Thursday, August 26, 2010

Wonderful One-Liners

previous post: Aww Shoot!

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49 Comments

  1. Ben, stever, whatever.

  2. Anyway, Tim and Bryans prank war was the only mildly amusing post here.

  3. MsBuzzkillington

    What does “iced me” mean?

  4. From Urbandictionary: Iced (V). The act of drinking a Smirnoff Ice on one knee as fast as you can, following the presentation of the ‘ice’ in a clever manner.

    “You should have seen John get iced when he woke up this morning.”

  5. that has to be the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. If someone said “ice you” to me, I’d say “fuck you” turn around three times and then smash the smirnoff bottle on his head. Smirnoff Ice tastes like donkey piss anyway (yes I used to drink it by the gallon and got sick of it. don’t hate). That’s a lame attempt at Smirnoff Ice trying to start a trend. Just like Dr Scholls’s “gellin’” bullshit

  6. Iced is when somebody comes up to you and says “You’ve been iced Bro!” Then they hand you a Smirnoff Ice and you are supposed to slam it on the spot. It can be at work, the mall, picking your child up from daycare…I forget the consequences if you don’t but I am pretty sure it has something to do with being a douche for even following through with it. I seen it happen once to a friend of mine. He grabs the beverage, shakes it, and proceeds to spray it all over the icer.

  7. Charlotte Sometimes

    i wonder if bryan came in the pudding and mixed it in… he might have omitted that because he didnt want to admit that dipping his dick in pudding made him get off. hmm…

  8. That only works with fresh apple pie.

  9. i ejaculated into a flatmate’s houmous once. it’s a long story, but somewhere between bryan and tim’s prank war and the old testament wouldn’t be far away.

    they ate it, too.

    true story.

  10. @ alord…. real talk?

  11. Maybe I’m just a bit slow tonight, but I don’t really see the humor in the third one.

  12. and lol @ alord’s war stories

  13. dirtylittlepretty

    @alordslums-surely you meant hummus??

  14. I always knew you had it in you Alord.

  15. dirtylittlepretty

    nvm that….why would there be that many different spellings for one damn word?

  16. i don’t know how to spell it, i just know how to mix it.

  17. I’m curious about the ‘long story’, alord. Care to share? We have time :) *bats eyelids salaciously*

  18. @ dirtylittlepretty – alordslums is right (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hummus) but at the same time so, so wrong. I once put white rum in a buddy’s visine but cumhummus?

  19. Charlotte Sometimes

    yum… nothing like a scoopful of sperm hummus for lunch.

  20. eeeesh.

    ok. i’m going to lose favour instantly by telling you that it was a girl. we were at university and she was stealing everyone’s food. she was also fat, spiteful, annoying, and a general bane to everyone’s existence.

    her favourite food to rob was houmous (hummus?). my friend ben was very fond of houmous, but no sooner did he buy it than it disappeared. we knew it was this girl, let’s call her jizzabelle (although she temeritously tried to blame the thieving on the other girl in our flat – a shy, demur girl from hong kong).

    anyway, to give her her comeuppance (geddit?) one day ben bought some houmous, i did my do in it, then we put it in the fridge with a big, very clear sticker on it marked ‘ben’s houmous – do not eat unless you are ben.’ and it was gone the next day.

    that’ll learn her.

  21. tl;dr

  22. Hey look my feminine wiles worked for once.

    That story is actually far less terrible than what I’d imagined had been your reasoning. So you gain favor.

  23. Charlotte Sometimes

    did you ask her if it was good?

  24. no. but be aware that you ought to take my stories with a pinch of salt.

    not that one though; it already had plenty of salt in it.

  25. i think it this reference it means glitter-bombed.

  26. Does Jonathan’s comment make sense to anyone? None of the definitions on Urban Dictionary really shine a light onto what’s going on there. Although, if we have to look up (what is supposed to be) the joke in Urban Dictionary in order to understand it, it’s probably not a very good joke to begin with. Lamebook fail.

  27. And to think I could done something dirty to food instead of playing garbage Jenga and reverse Operation on passed out people’s orifices. I’ll keep the defacing of food in the back of my mind on my next drunken night of shenanigans.

    I, too, thought alord’s story was going to be far worse. But I enjoyed it. I’m all for that form vigilantism. Did anyone tell her, though? I’m interested in her reaction to your action, and all.

  28. Oops, grammar fail. Oh well, I’ll chop my hand off later.

  29. @lamebookpro

    I have to ask: Just how much donkey piss did it take before your discerning palate rebelled and demanded some Bud Light Lime to appease its requirement for a refined beverage?

  30. hoursesforcourses

    @whatusername maybe Jonathan’s grandma mailed him some Smirnoff ice?

  31. I should be one of those no lives who posts Ben and Stever on every post instead of making off-topic posts when I’m sleepy

  32. Hey dddtl dddtl,
    The pussy and the fiddle,
    The fatty jumped over the moon,
    The little bitch laughed to see such a staff,
    And the whore ran away with the poon.

  33. I always thought craigslist was just an American thing. Turns out there’s one for my hometown here in Aus. I’m going to check out how much anal virginity there is for sale here in Sydney.

  34. i dont get number three
    & how his touche gee gee the right response to getting ‘iced’? at one point did he say, ‘gee gee,you dont know how to party like a 16 year old girl at all.’ so she ‘iced’ him proving she CAN …touche gee gee, touche…

  35. @lamebookpro. Cummus, surely?

  36. lol @ Cummus!

  37. “she was also fat, spiteful, annoying, and a general bane to everyone’s existence”

    Can a moderator please remove this post? Or at least this line?
    So its OK to spread your seed into someones food, as long as they are fat? Maybe she had a medical condition?

    That is a NASTY story, and exactly why I don’t eat other peoples food, or complain at a restaurant until AFTER I have eaten my meal! Too many horror stories, and I don’t want to find out that I’m allergic to semen after sampling the Lord’s Secret Sauce!

  38. @ Soup – this thing went on for years. I drank gallons upon gallons of donkey piss until one day my tastebuds and self-pride said “fuck this”

    @ Pedanticoldgit – there you go!

    @ iddjit – she did have a medical condition. it’s called eatingeverythinginsightis. Fuck her.

  39. Iddjit, did you actually read the rest of the post? They didn’t do it because she complained, and they didn’t do it to her food or food they had offered to her, and in fact, had she heeded the note, she wouldn’t have eaten it at all. Fair play that her being fat probably has very little to do with anything (although you could argue she’s that way because she steals everyone’s food or vice versa), but she clearly got what was cumming to her.

    Do you see what I did there?

  40. I am intrigued into how said spaff was delived into the humous. Are we talking point and aim because that’s some damned fine control you have sir or was it deposited into a receptacle and administered later with more emphasis on placement?

    I need to know for ’tis vexing me greatly.

  41. Iddjit living up to their name it seems. Troll or moron? Vote today.

  42. Troll. And a fat one too.

  43. Iddjit,she was a fatty stealing food,fattie deserves sploodge in her humus,that she stole.MORON.

  44. moron. i’m definitely betting on moron. obviously fat too.

  45. I don’t think iddjit’s a troll, they’re a cool regular poster on here. I think they just missed the point. Like everybody else said, it’s not because she’s fat, it’s because she was taking everyone else’s food and blaming it on other people. They even put a label saying nobody else should eat this on the spunk-hummus, and she took it anyway.

    Okay, it’s kinda a disgusting revenge, but it’s funny :p Fitting punishment, too.

  46. I hear ya Hobo. I take back the troll comment out of respect for you.

    However it just gets my hackles up when someone jumps on the soap box and screams remove/delete our hard thought comments on the lameness of humanity.

  47. However, I think it would be fair for us to ask lamebook to remove/delete the not hard thought out, non one-liner that is #3.

    Boring, and he probably needs more education, anyway.

  48. alordslums, did you tell her what she’d eaten after the fact? I would have had Ben just put up a sign addressed to “Person who stole my hummus” and explaining. Better yet, with a picture of the premixed hummus (with the haploid gene sample) on it!

    Dealing with persistent thieves can lead to desperate measures. One time I was barely talked out of making a cake with Ex-Lax icing and leaving it in our work refrigerator.

  49. I’m just gonna “like” all that is alordslums…..

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