Friday, October 22, 2010

Wins Before the Weekend

previous post: Proof Reading Problems

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64 Comments

  1. 1. True enough, but I’ll still do it anyway.

    2. Christ. That old line.

    3. Kyle, you and your mates suck so bad.

  2. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Kyle and his friend are 5 yr old Frodos.

  3. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Damn kids nowadays don’t know that if you let your girls finish first then she will want to cum back again.

  4. Fuck. Carlos is an idiot. Why do men not realize that their first duty is to make sure the girl(s) is(are) satisfied? Fucking pigs. I don’t even see how a guy can enjoy it if he knows the girl isn’t enjoying it…
    Also, just when we think the puns can’t get any worse, along come Kyle and Derek to prove us wrong! ‘Culksmashian?’ WHAT the FUCK? I can’t wait to see Hobo’s reaction to this.

  5. So Carlos is a virgin. Forever.

  6. I’m pretty sure that’s WHY we tease fat kids. I mean teased….teased. Past tense. I don’t go to High Schools’ and point and laugh at the fat kids…anymore…..on Tuesdays……after 9…..

    And guys let’s face it, sex is a race. If you don’t finish first, you don’t finish at all! (I shouldn’t have to add JJ after that, but just in case the ladies think O.G. Is a jerk…JJ).

    I agree with everything you guys said about the tools in the last post. Lamer than FDR’s legs….oh is it still too soon for that?

  7. Leave FDR out of it, thank you very much.

  8. Kyle and I are on the same page. I hope she dies. Today. The whole family. The baby can live.

  9. …Kim ‘SlaveLashian’? Seriously?

    SlaveLashian. That’s what you’re going with, is it? You typed it out in that little comment box, you hovered your mouse over the little button, read it back to yourself, and you thought ‘Yep, Kim SLAVELashian is truly worthy of getting posted on here’?

    Maybe she could be you and she could be Kim ShitAtPunsAshian.

  10. Haha…fat jokes..haha. Good pun. Carlos probably has ED. Kim puns were funny.

    In the words of Reese Bobby: If you ain’t first, you’re last.
    OG made me chuckle. How about lamer than Stephen Hawking?

  11. I thought the problem with fat kids is that they NEVER have enough on their plate.

  12. A “race”, well O.G.Dirtwood you can call it whatever you want but the rest of us call that premature ejaculation.

  13. Hobo love <3

  14. Zoned, I agree. Kim Kardassian and company can expire as far as I’m concerned – Bruce Jenner looks like a fucking freak.

  15. I hate this famous-for-nothing (except having a rich parent and being a whore or having a sex tape) trend nowadays…how are you wordy? Guess what I haveee?

  16. Now don’t tell me that… I’ll cry, Zoned, I’ll just cry.

  17. Meh… same thing different place and time…My laugh is non-existent these days :(

    @keona, Stephen Hawking is one of my favourite British people…

    Plus Stephen Hawking jokes are just as lame as these posts.

  18. I’m sorry, casshern, I wasn’t being serious. I posted a lame joke to equate to the FDR jokes. IMO, jokes about people that are dead, paralyzed, in a coma, terminally ill, etc are all in bad taste.

    I’m out for a bit. Need to shower and wait for my aunt to bring back my car so I can go out and fulfill my “socializing around people” quota for the day.

  19. I find jokes about dead people to generally be hilarious. And jokes about Hawking. Don’t get me wrong, a great physicist, but still…
    And actually I’m not a fan of Hawking’s popular books. Generally they contain bizarre, unlikely speculation designed for sensationalism…

  20. @17 i was never so glad to hear my laugh reappear as i was tonight. a proper laugh out loud, tears and all. Inbetweeners – boking scene! :D

  21. Am I the only one who liked the last one? Yeah it’s stupid but it’s the Internet. Sometimes I prefer stupid to “funny”

  22. Actually, making fun of Hawking is lame. Making fun of anyone who has been stricken with ALS/Lou Gerhigs Disease is lame and makes you a fucktard. I just spent the last two years watching my dad die from ALS…it’s a terrible, horrible way to die, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

  23. A fellow nurse! *shakes hands* (I think Saffer is rubbing off on me when she saw a fellow Saffer.)

  24. dirtylittlepretty

    damnit Dukey, you make me love you so.

  25. dirtylittlepretty

    these posts really sucked hard too

  26. Kim Kardashian might be a vapid, worthless, ignorant waste of oxygen, but I still want to come on her tits.

  27. Yay for nurses!
    I’m sorry word…you know I’ll always save some for you ;)

  28. LMFAO @ O.G!!!

    1. I’ve been fat all my life and I found this hilarious.

    2. You clearly have never HAD an orgasm once in your life (either young and ignorant, talking about things of which you have no clue, or old and frigid). If you had, you would not have said what you said. Get rid of your asshole boyfriend (probably Carlos) and find a real man. Carlos is a prick who should LOSE his prick.

    3. I kinda laughed at Kyle’s OP but then after I realized what it was gonna turn into (about 0.000128236 seconds later) my face literally looked like this D: and I didn’t even want to finish reading it.

  29. I should probably be pleased that I don’t know who Kim Kardashian is

  30. Shelley, I tend to agree with Mimi. ‘Good girls’ generally refers to girls who either a. won’t get in bed until late in a relationship or b. won’t do anything once there. ‘Bad’ girls, on the other hand, are women who enjoy their sexuality. Carlos, as I mentioned before, is just a wanker, both figuratively and (once his gf finds out about his opinion) literally.
    Pedantic, you are fortunate, I wish I didn’t know who Kardashian is. I’d tell you but I don’t want to take away from your present bliss.

    Oh, and about nurses: on the textsfromlastnight website there was the following:
    ‘Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.’

  31. Probably for the best mad2. I’ve heard the name but I couldn’t pick her out of a line-up

  32. Mad2 — Very good point! Good girls suck.

    …Well, no they don’t. But they do.

    Bad girls FTW! ;)

  33. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    That must be one crappy nursing school if they are teaching people about “every muscle in your penis”.

  34. @Dukey…shhhh…if we don’t tell them, they’ll keep trying to find it! Best nursing school….ever!

  35. The penis has only one muscle, I thought. But it isn’t a regular muscle like a tricep or something. For one thing, it can’t contract. For another, it can’t be made larger through use.

  36. Oh, and just before I get called a retard…yes I know there are muscles in the penis…but it was funnier the other way…

  37. Hm…a nursing school that entails those sorts of teachings, eh? ;) Where, pray tell would this be?

  38. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    The penis has VERY TINY muscles in it’s blood vessels. These muscles control the blood flow into and out of the penis but that’s about it. The rest is just spongy tissue. Mr Penis gets hard when some of those muscles expand/contract and allow more blood in/ release less blood out of the penis. And these muscles are controlled directly by the brain i.e.,when you see a pair of tits, your brain knows that that’s hot so it directs those (very tiny) muscles to get you prepared to nail her.

    This type of information is very obvious to someone who has taken basic biology or at least anyone who has just googled the word penis in a non-pornographic manner.

  39. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    *its

    Although I think O.G has a point, so keep searching ladies you might find something.

  40. I was thinking of that too, just joking before. I know only of the major penis muscle that guys can “flex” to make it move up and down and sort of wave at you.

  41. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    That’s the Pubococcygeus muscle, it’s not in the penis. Even women have the PC Muscle. That’s the one you can exercise to improve the quality of your orgasm in both men and women. For men, it can also help you control premature ejaculation and to shoot your sperm further (some chicks like the show).

    Someone should really sit Carlos down and tell him all of this stuff.

  42. Yes, but the ‘spongy tissue’ is called ‘smooth muscle’ or something like that.
    But it should be pointed out that if a woman did discover a new muscle there it would be a major scientific breakthrough so I will third Dukey and O.G. in saying: don’t stop looking!

  43. Well, further research showed that apparently erectile tissue is NOT a form of smooth muscle, although there is a kind of smooth muscle in the penis (visceral smooth muscle). Apparently, the clit has the same kind of tissue. However, smooth muscle contraction IS responsible for the erection of the nipples.
    Perhaps our resident nurses Shelley and Keona can provide more information.

  44. I would be able to, if my current knowledge wasn’t from merely a four week crash course. We didn’t study that section. I’ll be going for my LPN whenever I can go back to school, except this time it will be an actual school.

  45. @Dukey, you would think most people would know this, but too many don’t. :/ Too many people (MALES even) think that there is actually a bone in a “boner” and that there are muscles in the shaft of the penis itself as well, imagining, like you said, those like in our arms or legs, etc. Even my LTR ex (who is 37 and I would have assumed knew better) thought this, until I informed him that it is mostly spongy tissue where blood collects when aroused. The penis becomes erect when this tissue is engorged with blood.

    And yes, the clitoris is, as it would say in a boring old biology book, “homologous” to the penis in that it has the same placement and is made of the same tissues, but is just shaped and sized differently, among other tiny differences. Being that a fetus does not develop its sexual organs until, I believe, its 8th week of life (I could be wrong but I’m too lazy to look right now), it is essentially a blank slate; starting with a small amount of tissue that will either remain mostly the same to become the clitoris or continue to grow somewhat to become a larger penis.

    Also, the fact that the male urethra is nearest the underside of the penis further proves it… just as the female urethra is just below the clitoris. And yes, I have always wished like hell that the urethra traveled through the clitoris just like it does the penis instead of being just underneath it. It would sure make it a lot easier for females to urinate with less mess and also while standing! *LOL* But, yeah, as the penis is much larger than the clitoris, it fills out the space that would, on a female, be just the underside of the clitoris until it reaches the urethra and therefore, the now-decidedly-male fetus’ growing “clitoris” and urethra merge as it becomes a penis.

    I give this shit way too much thought and came to the above stated logic before I ever even had a sex ed class in school. I have no training of any kind but I was aware of most human sexual anatomy and physiology (both genders) by the time I was about 8 or 9. I was ALWAYS very fascinated by it and I discovered my mom’s old nursing books (from the 70′s but still somewhat informative haha) and studied them [privately] in my own free time.

    Oh, and yes, contrary to popular belief, even though the nipples are made of the same external tissue as the glans of the penis and clitoris (as my ex liked to point out a lot for whatever reason), nipple erection is caused by muscle contraction, not by internal erectile tissue. However, nipple erection CAN be attained and prolonged by the use of suction devices… but such is the case for just about any body tissue when enough suction is applied for a necessary length of time; but especially where skin is thin and accompanied by a relatively large supply of blood (lips of the mouth, for instance).

  46. As an afterthought… “WHY would the nipples need to become erect int he first place?” I can only say that it is nature’s design to make breastfeeding simpler and more effective. A newborn baby (if not born too young) already has the instinct to open its mouth wide when its lips are touched with the erect nipple. A nursing mother could also use her finger to do the same thing; but speaking from experience, having even that one finger free to be used instead for holding both the baby and the breast in proper position makes for a MUCH easier time of breastfeeding than most would imagine.

  47. Jesus wept.

  48. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Fuck me.

  49. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Shelley we don’t need an actual biology lesson.

  50. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Are you there Word?

  51. Only for this brief moment. My hangover just got worse by looking at this crap.

  52. Shelley, since you seem to have a knack for sucking the fun out of EVERYTHING, I’d just like to let you know that my penis is filled with clowns.

  53. Sorry >.< Jeez….

  54. Holy moly.

  55. I just wanted to thank all of you for making my morning. :D

  56. Shelley, contrary to everyone else apparently, I appreciated the biology lesson. I also have some additional theories about the evolutionary advantages of nipple erections. Since the philistines seem to look down upon any intellectual discussion, however, I won’t go into them at the moment. Actually that’s more from laziness and not feeling like typing it out.

  57. Kim Homeboyjizzjarashian?

  58. no

  59. LOL mad2. Thanks. =)

  60. Fuck it, I’m breaking out the Wallace alarm.

  61. Soup, Class, Dignity and Grace still your watchwords I see. Well played old chap

  62. Kyle and Derek are trying too hard, they want to be funny but instead they end up flailing about like an epileptic on a bouncy castle.

    Their a bit like HIV… their on the way but just not fully there yet.

  63. haha the “Anatomy of a Penis” presentation wins the day for me – next thing somebody’s going to allege the human penis is prehensile? (in somebody’s demented mind anyway)

  64. Mine is.

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