Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Updates from Up Above

previous post: Doin’ Time

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42 Comments

  1. Steve Brule

  2. I love you Chris. And thanks again for dying for my sins.

  3. Jesus Chris!

  4. Jessika is from 15 years in the future.

  5. Steve is awesome.

    And Chris has perfect timing.

    I don’t get Jessika. Unless is it is lame that her parents put a “k” where a “c” should be.

  6. @Zarggg Yeah I reread that like 4 times and it just wasn’t making any sense to me.

  7. @6 kind of just seems like typical religious warblings. Cue Fargis.

  8. Also, Mike in the first one rules

  9. Jessika makes me wonder how heavy a drug user she might’ve been before being “saved” … obviously there’s permanent damage there …

  10. The fucking miracle would be for Jessika to learn how to fucking spell MIRACLE

  11. What’s a mircle? And I didn’t realize 1998 was 27 years ago?

  12. I think Jessika’s was lame because she is a bit touched in the head…

    Has anyone seen the film The Number 23 with Jim Carrey in it? Yeah Jessika’s story is a very lame version of that film…

    Thank you Chris but I’m afraid that you will have to die at least 5 more times to get rid of all my sins. :P

  13. Little baby Jesus Chris is my favourite jesus

  14. lol @ Zarggg

  15. No, I am not satisfied with God’s love. He has never once given me an orgasm. Greedy bastard.

  16. He’s Jesu Chris to his friends. Or JC. I should know, I receive him all the time, in a non biblical sense.

  17. Jessica, is the amazing non-coincidence that both your phone, your church and that random rapist van all misspelled miracle?

  18. God smites those who use all caps in His name.

  19. Jebus H. Chris on a unicycle, I know I’m going to regret axing this question, but here I go anyway: WTF is the 3% to which that numbskull Andrew is referring? Is this supposed to be the percentage of some population that has been saved? If yes, 3% of the world? Of the South? Of his hick town? Of the universe (including Pluto even if it is not a planet)?

    Thank you in advance for your kind replies o.0

  20. Math has never been my strongest subject, however Jessika makes me feel like Good Will fucking Hunting.

  21. I don’t like stupid religious people. They make me sad. Just throwin’ that out there.

    WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO RAPE THE CAPS BUTTON ALL THE TIME

  22. What the fuckity fuck is Jessika on about? How is a phone even involved in this?

    And why is it that really stupid people always seem to type in all caps? Do they accidentally hit that button once, and just never find it again?

  23. Also, I hate it when people rape my FB feed with those goddamned, “90 billionty percent of people won’t be stupid enough to post this random fucking shit that I copied and pasted from some other idiot because I’m too stupid/uninteresting to have a real thought of my own. Will you?”

  24. xD last one is great.

  25. @Miss She That and the whole ‘put the colours of your bra/whatever is going around now’ as your status and the boys will never know. Worse yet when they tack on the You’ll-die-if-you-don’t-repost/This-will-help-fight-breast-cancer bit.

  26. Jessika remembers a lot of numbers and random things. I realized recently that I got married on 06-24-06 which is technically 666. Good thing I don’t believe in number connections or else I might be giving birth to Rosemary’s baby one day ;)

  27. Oh, and I assumed Jessika was a teen from the way she talks. But she would be 39 this past January if she was 27 in 1998.

  28. What kind of magical thinking is Jessika partaking in? I honestly cannot make heads or tails of that bullshit, I’m gonna need some divine intervention on that. But Chris is a winner.

  29. Oh, junebug, the truth trips so daintily from your lips. The current, “I like ‘it’ on the ‘wherever’” meme is giving me an aneurysm.

    Hee hee, I’m talking about my purse but everyone will be titillated because they think I’m talking about fucking! I’m so edgy! Oh, and repost or your vagina will fall out, and fly around the room. ROFLMWDOQQQWLOL!!!L!!1!!

  30. So when someone calls Jessika her phone says ‘expect a miracle’, instead of ringing?

    Neat.

  31. The “Chris died for your sins” is a joke from Weeds. It was printed on a bunch of shirts (that looked like this: http://www.cafepress.com/weedstv.175499011).

  32. “THANK YOU GOD LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER JESSIKA”

    God: “That’s not my kid.”

  33. @Miss She That’s the one. I’ve seen far too many of my former teachers with it as their status. There’s nothing more depressing than “(my old spanish teacher) likes it on the desk, on the bed….almost anywhere LOL”.
    I feel sadness on so many levels. Sigh.

  34. I was thinking maybe it was a text message telling her to expect a miracle, but did cell phones even have texting back then?

  35. And what plan is God on anyway? maybe he doesn’t get unlimited texts.

  36. I think the funniest thing about jessi-ka is that both her and ‘jordin’s names were spelled wrong. I suspect it is a long held tradition in her inbreed family. (maybe jordin is her son..father…considering the names and writing, possibly husband.) I think the phone bit was just made up to make the story better or she just chose it as her background…., she probably saw something with an M on a van and due to her inability to spell or read, probably just took it as whatever she was thinking and I think what she is trying to say is that her church was founded the same year she was born.

  37. That shit makes little baby jeebus chris cry, junebug. Cry and cry.

  38. awesome Pedantic!

  39. Do you get your money back if you aren’t satisfied with God’s love? Can you send round your own collection plate? And what’s with those wafers? So thin, nothing LIKE a good breakfast on a Sunday morning.

  40. I despise non-funny comments.

  41. ^ That wasn’t funny.

  42. if we all dont sin..christ died for nothing

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