Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Twilight Saga: As Cold As Ice

previous post: Locked Into Love

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29 Comments

  1. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Yay! more twilight.

    Nadin is a cock for identifying that that drivel.

  2. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    “Yup I tasted it” how did he logically reach the conclusion to lick the dick-shaped frozen contents of a fucking condom?

  3. There’s an idea, but I’m not crazy about a frozen dildo. Maybe it would work with hot coals.

    Aliens is the story of my life. You have NO idea!

  4. @ Dukey – Don’t you automatically put any phallus-shaped object in you mouth to taste it? My mama taught me that : always taste it first! You don’t know where it’s been.

  5. Titanic is the story of mine. You have NO idea! I wish Sara could reply.

  6. Animal Farm is the story of my life. You may actually have SOME idea!

  7. Yup, Sounds like a Twilight self-fucker to me. You freeze a load of water in a spunk sack to simulate rutting with a vampire. If you want to know what it’s like getting rammed by a zombie, why not try filling a blob bag with frozen rotten offal before heaving into you?

    Hungry Bitches is the story of my life. Hmmm that gives ME an idea!

  8. What makes you think zombies can get it up? Please tell me it’s firsthand experience!

    I’m interested, seriously, since I’m preparing for the zombie apocalypse. I’m hoping to make it my survival strategy, but all the very serious book I read on the subject tell me it’s not a viable option.

  9. Unfortunately wandr I am an unbeliever when it comes to zombies, vampires and the like.

    But I can offer (and did)some sage advice on how to ‘simulate’ fucking a zombie. 1st try the method outlined above, if that fails seduce a coroner’s assistant and sexy talk him into letting you have a go on one of the corpses with the correct appendage set in rigor mortis. Hope this helps.

  10. Hang on, wouldn’t the last couple of posts be perfect for “Tips from a Twat”?

  11. Yeah they would’ve been curly!

    This is the type of quality advice people often want and need but are often to scared or embarrassed to ask for, but since no fucker is desperate enough to ask for my help on there, I’m having to act out and fulfil my agony aunt fantasies over here instead.

    Come on everybody, make yourselves comfy and tell Uncle Imamofo all about your worries and woes…. touch yourselves whilst you do it will make it easier for us all.

  12. Am I wearing my naive hat today, or is anyone else thinking tissue damage? Ouch!

  13. I never thought to ask you on Tips from a twat. Like I said, I’d given up on that idea. I didn’t know I was so desperate for advice until your comment.
    Next time I have a really pertinent problem I need expert advice for, I’ll try and use the appropriate venue. Promise!

    Do you negate the existence of trolls too?

  14. wait…..he tasted it?????

  15. Gave up on me already eh? Folk normally wait until I start sloshing fluids about the room before they turn their backs on me.

    Good fucking question that! I don’t think so, do you?…I’d like to see a few to be honest, I think if somebody is brave enough to go troll over there, good on ‘em!…but they best be good ones, or I’ll have my fill of them!

  16. Men In Black was the story of my life, but my idea ended with a red flashy-thing.

  17. Princess Bride was the story of my life. I now have a phobia of suction cups.

  18. @ 17: Your comment caused me to laugh out loud (even I wasn’t expecting it), which led everyone else in my office to jump and look at me, possibly wondering what about budgets was so hilarious. Please be less amusing. My job is on the line here.

  19. I usually hate Twilight jokes but these were less predictable and enjoyable. Well done!

  20. Is it really that uncommon to use ice in maturation?

  21. @ cononellingus – Interesting question. I guess it depends on what you’re maturing. If you were trying to mature your spelling, for example, I would suggest a dictionary rather than ice.

  22. Icy dildos?! When I think of ice, I think of numbing – and numbing is the last thing I want when trying to get off. No icy dildos near my kooka, please.

    The use of ice, however, is welcome on my boobs. Gotta love cold boobs… Especially amazingly awesome cold boobs…

  23. I have a question. Why would a vampire be freezing cold, and not, say, room temperature?

  24. @siren sorry it auto corrected it wrong because I did misspell lol… but I do wanna know if icy masturbation is that abnormal? they have those glass wands that you put in ice baths or warm water and there is always using your mans favorite popsicle… I just didn’t know it was that out of the box to try different temps.

  25. <4 for amazingly awesome boobs, cold or warm.

  26. @ conoellingus – I guess people are into all sorts of things, but I agree with jellica, there is no way I would want anything numbing that area in any way. I wouldn’t say icy masturbation is “abnormal”, but probably uncommon. It’s more likely that people enjoy having an ice cube rubbed over their naked flesh than actually have a big rod of it shoved up their you-know-what.

  27. I will agree with you on that… and it’s not like its a big part of my alone time but I have heard a lot about it and didn’t realize it was so uncommon I guess the people I talk to are some kind of freaks. lol

  28. hydrogen and oxygen doesn’t really turn me when they are together. Three is a crowd, you know…

  29. Well in water, there’s 2 Hydrogens and 1 oxygen, so technically you would make 4, hawkbit.

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