Tuesday, March 9, 2010

TamPWNED

previous post: Moronic Monday

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57 Comments

  1. Me no like

  2. Becky has the soul of a poet. *_*

  3. Oh man, That’s nasty.

  4. meh, tampons are fun to play with.

    I prefer the unscented ones though. If “playtime” lasts awhile, the flowery smell could give you a headache.

    I’ve never put one in my mouth, though. At least not an unused one.

  5. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    #2 Do jumbo tampons imply you have heavy flow or a cavernous snatch?

    #3 At first glance I swear I thought that kid was biting a mouse’s head off.

    #4 Maybe his mum needed to chill her bush. ba-dum-tish.

  6. When that boy gets older he’ll learn those taste better if they’re dipped in sauce first.

  7. @DivineMonkeyTrigger

    did you know that the first tampons WERE actually dead mice? That’s why they call the strings “rat tails”.

    They didn’t absorb THAT well, but it was better than nothing.

  8. @DivineMonkeyTrigger
    To answer your question about jumbo tampons, I quote mean girls: “It’s not my fault I have a wide set vagina!”

    Also, weirdly loving the phrase “cavernous snatch”

  9. The bigger problem than the insufficient absorption was that the mice tails would sometimes fall off. Then the little mousy had to stay in there FOREVER.

  10. My mom used to do the frozen tampon thing. My brother and I hated popsicle day.

  11. WWalter Sobchak

    You just sent chills up my spine at the thought of that.

  12. well at first I thought they weren’t THAT bad today… Then I read the comments and puked in my mouth a little! Thanks guys!! You make the lamest lamebook stuff way more awesome!

  13. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    @Mcowles. Why dead mice? Ewww. That is the single whackest idea for a mousetrap I’ve ever been privy to.
    -Don’t ask me about the porn I watched in Japan recently-

    @Mememe. I find cavernous snatch handy, they’re useful for all sorts of things (I use old women as drug mules before you think the wrong thing). :o

  14. Walter…there are muscles inside the Vagina that make it very easy to push something out if needed…

    And Jumbo tampons are usually for women who go through regular tampons in 2 hours or less.. So yes they are for a heavy flow. Not a looser snatch. Most jumbo tampons are made longer in length than in width.

    Totally did look like a mouse at first glance. >.<

    Cotton Ice…anyone?

  15. @DivineMonkeyTrigger

    If I was a chick, I’d use my vagina to hide snacks for the movies, or to hold my keys while I’m working out. You ladies have it made. You’re like sexy little kangaroos.

  16. @kritzo

    I’ve read stories about things getting “stuck” up there… maybe there’s a “point of no return”?

    There definitely is for the “backside”… which is why all anal plugs have flared bases.

    Maybe the mouse was just hanging on too tightly for the muscles to overcome their clawing fury?

  17. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    Kritzo, do you have a steroid empowered super vagina? Or if male are you used to girls “easily pushing something out if needed”? Because if that is a blanket term and accurate, I think you just ended rape on women by men forever… The nobel prize is in the post, but the vaginal trap manufacture industry will not be happy…

  18. Soup, we are sexy little kangaroos. You’d be very surprised what we can put in our ‘pouches’!

  19. @Divine

    That’s probably not a topic you want to dive into here… but all women ARE able to push stuff out. Men also have muscles to keep them in.

    It’s sometimes a fun game between two CONSENTING adults to see whose muscles are stronger, haha.

  20. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    @Soup. Ladies can have pockets you know? Just a thought.

    Cackled like a cauldron stirring witch @ sexy little kangaroos though.

  21. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    *Ladies, that is*

  22. @mcowls: No, no, no. You have it all wrong. The mice are alive when they go in. Those were the days, man.

    @DivineMonkeyTrigger: Genius – chill her bush!

    Also, that kid looks way too much like a chubby version of my kid, and it’s freaking me out.

  23. Sexy little kangaroos – thank you sweetheart. That’s the cutest thing I’ve heard in a while. I need a life…..

  24. @dtronol

    That is your kid… after swallowing a few before he was caught/photographed. As Confuscious says, tampons in the belly make one look chubby.

  25. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    For jumbo tampons I would suggest the big and tall store for women. Or a rolled up gym sock.

    Don’t woman get sick nowadays from Toxic Shock syndrome from sterilised tampons then what in the living hell were woman’s fleshy hot pockets made out of back in the day of hiding the (dead or whatever) rodent? Am I coming across like a total vagnoobie?

  26. There is an alternative to the jumbo tampon/sock/mouse you know. The Mooncup: http://www.mooncup.co.uk/ I feel a little bit sick…

  27. There’s also the Diva. And I think the Keeper.

    If women were able to just push stuff out of their vaginas at will we wouldn’t have such entertaining ER stories about goldfish and a garage door spring stuck up there.

  28. I think we had a lamebook conversation awhile back about tampons/pads/cups all in reusable/disposable fashions. Someone go hunt it down for me, so we don’t have to relive it from start to finish :) .

  29. Divine, rags were used back then. Lots of em.

    Also toxic shock can come from tampons being in too long or something….I dunno. Been thinking of making the switch to diva cup but it scares me!

    So the rats usage…maybe that’s how the plague was spread?

  30. And to answer someones question about the muscles pushing things out and the point of no return. Yes there is a point of no return. I admit to having to make an emergency trip to my doctor for lost condom retrieval. gah!

  31. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    didhedie- the sickness is spreading. I grabbed then modified this from the website:

    Testimonials
    Thanks very much for the advice! I’d run out of socks so it was really helpful and it’s got a lot better with practice after freezing them without having to borrow from my ex boyfriend’s new girl. I didn’t want to go back to the old ways of using decomposing lab(ia) animals with a low rate of absorbency so I was really relieved!!! Thanks for being so helpful, even my son loves the taste of them. I ‘ll keep trying to win people round to the mooncup! I was just wondering if you guys were thinking of bringing out a jumbo size… Cheers!

    When I read this, I want a vomit-cup.

  32. Yes, rags being used were where we got the phrase “on the rag.”

  33. MonkeyCMonkeyDo

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You all made my day with these comments :D

  34. wtf? the kid’s picutre was in no way funny. smh

  35. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    msjessiemeghan and douchetastic, the anachronism that still stays with us today is not one that escapes me semantically (on the rag), but thanks for “filling me in”, or “soaking up” the confusion.
    I just had a sneaking suspicion that dead, rotting, putrefying critters up there for any amount of time must be worse then something designed to do that job would be…
    But yeah, I could see how this behaviour en masse may result in a well deserved plague…

    Mcowles is right, I’ve run out of tastefulness in regards to tampon based unhygienic hijinks.
    I’m gonna pull the rat’s tail now and end this bloody mess…

  36. DivineMonkey, funny, funny man… where you been all my life?

    And the sad fact for us girls is if we need jumbo plugs, it usually means we a jumbo vag.
    I have a friend that has to put in 2 at a time to stem flow.
    For the record boys, I buy regular.

  37. Parenting fail.

  38. beckyboo,

    Don’t be too hard on the parents, kids get their hands and mouths on a lot of things they shouldn’t.
    I actually think it’s hilarious, and I’ve seen much worse.

  39. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    beckyboo: ‘splain yourself?
    Parenting fail on grounds that if a woman has a period it means it’s another month’s missed opportunity at procreation?
    -or-
    Parenting fail on the grounds that whatever an ice machine maybe, a tampon should easily thaw out within 20 minutes at room temperature or maybe 5 if you just jam it up “there” (even if it does feel a little cold at first), thus making the grounding an overreaction?
    -or-
    Parenting fail on the grounds that mice are for feminine hygiene, not playtime?

  40. At first I thought the first post was some kind of really shit revenge tactic. ‘You fucked my boyfriend, so… so… I’m gonna use one of your tampons.’

  41. ‘You absolute bitch.’

  42. lol

  43. On the topic of ladies being able to “push things out”, some of us are stronger than others down there (pelvic floor exercises, ladies) and there is also the method of squatting and sticking your fingers up there. Emergency room removal of things usually only takes place where either the girl doesn’t know how to get the foreign object out, or it’s something genuinely difficult to retrieve.

    As for toxic shock syndrome, what people don’t realise is that it’s extremely rare. It will happen to some women if they leave a tampon in for over 8 hours.

  44. Kangaroos are horrible, vicious, kicking, clawing, menacing, manipulative, unforgiving giant rats. So yes, women are a slightly cuter version of a kangaroo.

    And in support of the fact that they are indeed giant rats, in the olden days they were used as an alternative to jumbo tampons.

  45. Having sex with Anne is like pushing a piano into the Grand Canyon.

  46. More like throwing a pebble.

  47. On heavy days, get a jar of peanut butter and call the dog.

  48. it amazes me how much guys are freaked out by an unused tampon. It’s a piece of plastic with some cloth.

  49. Lillith my Alter Ego

    True most men are such pussies when it comes to tampons.

  50. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    ^^^Fuck that^^^. I eat tampons for breakfast. Like the tyke in the photo.

  51. Poetic justice for Becky.

    @5 Divine
    Cavernous snatch made me giggle, but probably mostly because I for some reason read it as carnivorous snatch :D

    And sexy little kangaroos *chuckle”

  52. Can someone please explain to me why people put their tampons in the freezer? Or was that a joke? If so I dont get it…

  53. The Instead cup is disposable. I don’t know if I am comfortable with a reuseable device for menstration.

  54. Its the fucking Beatles

    The moon cup. *gag*.

    I love the comments on this website. Far funnier than the actual posts! :OD

  55. @ CircusMonkey, I’m with you, why DO people put Tampons in the freezer?

  56. Wonder if Becky said “borrowing” because she’s going to give it back? SPLAT right on her window! haha

  57. The Moon Cup is just weird!! I get that some people enjoy putting whatever they can inside them but COME ON!!

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