On second read-through of this, there are so many fuckaroons I don’t know where to start.
Rachelle: In what possible way can ‘Can you pee in a jar and give it to me?’ turn out to not be a bad thing? Also it’s spelled ‘Ectopic’
Mike: What a dickless waste of manhood. First if you want to marry the bitch then go ahead and do it. Don’t drag it on till she has to fake a pregnancy to force you into marriage. Also how do you not know its a fake pregnancy? doctor visits? prenatal vitamins? back-up pregnancy test? back-up back-up pregnancy test by an actual professional.
Kristin: Meh. Probably still a fuckaroon for not addressing the issue privately.
Kelli, oh Kelli where the fuck do I start? In addition to being a lying conniving bitch, you are fucking stupid as well. In what universe is that plan foolproof? I have to use a list here
1.)Building a marriage out of lies? Something tells you you are in that relationship for the social status or the money.
2.)You think borrowing pee is fucking normal?
3.)What if he asked for an abortion?
4.)Why would you stretch the lie to include your childless sister? For authenticity? Yeah that’s the part of your plan that needs work.
5.)What if he wasn’t a complete idiot and he asked for a real test? What you get pissed and bitch about a lack of trust in the relationship?
I can keep going but this becoming TL;DR, plus I will leave the ranting to the experts.
Once again I am forced to telephone my mother at an ungodly hour just to thank her that I didn’t turn out to be a participant in an ill-conceived shakesperean tragedy. Oh, and I have to thank her that these other people did, so I can laugh at them. Fuck me, I can’t stop…
Please please please let this be fake. If it is not please please please say she really had her tubes tied and can not reproduce. Better yet tie the tubes of all involved giving pee what the hell did you think was going to happen!?!
You don’t need a lot of urine for a pregnancy test. Kelli quite possibly have taken the original sample and divided it up, taking a sample to the doctor’s office and just using their test for the ++ sign.
While it’s true a doctor would also order a blood test, most clinics don’t have in-house labs or even if they do, they won’t get to the blood work immediately. A doctor would take the urine pregnancy test at face value and tell Kelli and Matt that she was indeed pregnant. That’s probably all Matt needed to hear, since they married four days later.
I’m assuming Kelli is smart enough to think of all this. But she was able to persuade a pregnant friend to give her a urine sample, and she obviously had a well mapped out web of lies, so I’m sticking with this theory.
I’ve seen a lot of “accidentally on purpose” pregnancies and it almost never ends well.
On a lighter note: $20 for a clean urine sample sounds like a steal!
And the abortion? And the paperwork for the surgical or chemical ectopic pregnancy treatment? Morrigan I might need to focus my face-palming on you from now on. Are you a prepubescent boy?
1.) hCG tests can detect the level of the hormone so any expert would detect a discrepancy in the girl’s story (we can all assume she is no Einstein).
2.) She wouldn’t draw the blood for the test herself (assuming she has no knowledge of phlebotomy) so the blood test would detect a lack of hCG in her blood.
3.)Why the fuck can’t he wait a few days for the fucking results of the blood test?
4.) Using ‘Kelli’ and ‘Smart’ in the same sentence is a fucking travesty. Granted Mike is not the brightest light bulb out there but that doesn’t make Kelli.
This all reminds me of an old joke “One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.
“The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
“No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine when he had an idea. John decided to have a little fun with the doctor and pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had yet another brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and even beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him with an agitated look in his face and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!’”
Nah, entrapment won’t get me as much money…not til we get that life insurance policy settled away, then get married, then I’m sure you can guess from there…and if there are any little brats running around I don’t want to have to share with them you know?
Urine pregnancy tests, especially within the first 6 weeks, can be iffy. hCG levels rise immediately after implantation, but can change throughout the day and can show negative results. Even though I was pregnant, I took 2 pregnancy tests that came out positive, and 2 that came out negative (talk about confusing). The only thing that assured me 100% I was pregnant was a vaginal ultrasound.
Blood tests aren’t 100% accurate, either. It’s the same with the urine tests… hCG varies throughout the day and especially within the first 6 weeks. Most OB-GYN’s skip blood tests now and go directly to vaginal ultrasound.
I sure as fuck hope Kelli can’t reproduce anymore, though I’d wish Rachelle had gotten her tubes tied as well. What’s with people airing dirty laundry over Facebook? That’s seriously an issue you bring up in private. Mackaylah? Ugh… that child is destined for a future full of low-expectations.
Erm, hCG, as far as I know, is supposed to continually gradually rise throughout a pregnancy, especially during the first several weeks. The numbers should be doubling every few days. I wouldn’t think it would fluctuate unless there was a problem, or maybe a disappearing twin. I think your two negative tests were just duds.
I’m not even going to touch that clusterfuck that is the original post.
It’s possible they were duds, but about the continuously rising… I’m pretty sure that’s only a half truth. Why else would they recommend you take the test with your morning urine if not for the higher levels of hCG present? There’s a higher presence of the hormone in your body as opposed to if you were not pregnant, but those first 6 weeks (sometimes as far as he first trimester, but this is kind of rare) are pretty much your body’s hormones trying to find a good balance.
PS: Did anyone else notice that the dude’s name is MATT and not Mike?
The hormone levels are rising, but they drop at different times throughout the days. That is why morning urine is the best to get the most accurate results. As you get further along the pregnancy, the hormone levels will find a balance and there will continuously be a steady amount of hCG in the body.
Most of the the newer tests state you don’t require a morning sample of urine for testing. Apparently you can pee on that stick whenever the hell you want. As for whether it’s accurate or not…
But quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck about any of this. As far as I’m concerned, the piss peddler, the sterile bitch, and, her softcock of a husband can all go take a long walk off a short pier chained to something really fucking heavy.
I guess I wasn’t clear. I meant she could have divided the pee she got from her pregnant friend into two containers – one she used to show her boyfriend the first at-home test (using an eye dropper.)
She could then take her boyfriend with her to a clinic. When they say: ‘go pee in this cup’ and she goes into the bathroom with her purse/sample to carry out her plan.
A clinic would pull out a pregnancy test that looks pretty much the same as an at-home test and get the positive result. They would also do the blood work to check for STDs and the like. Never did I say she was “sticking a needle herself” – I said that would be done at the clinic. Of course the blood work would say she wasn’t pregnant. But all she needs in that instant, a doctor with an hCG level pregnancy test to come into the little room and say to Matt that his life is about to flash before his eyes. All the blood work results would be sent to a lab AFTER the urine test at a walk-in clinic.
As for why Matt can’t wait for the blood test (which would be hours, if not the next day) – god knows. Maybe he’s not very smart?
Look, it’s all very contrived and I was just offering a theory on how a woman with stolen urine might be able to convince a guy that she was in fact, pregnant. An at-home test can yield a positive result from urine saturation, so he might not take that at face value. If he marched her to a clinic and the lab did the hCG and blood work (with the results of the blood work coming a few hours later, and remember they would be phoning HER not Matt with the results, so she could say whatever she wanted on her end of the conversation) and there you have it – faked pregnancy.
I didn’t mean Kelli was smart, but we’re not talking about a bunch of geniuses here. Kelli played Matt, played her pregnant friend Rachelle into giving her a urine sample, and (apparently) her own sister. To me, Matt is the biggest idiot of the bunch for:
a) sleeping with Kelli in the first place.
b) not using a condom.
c) not waiting for the blood test.
d) marrying Kelli even though the plan was to put the baby up for adoption.
e) Kelli said ectopic pregnancy, wouldn’t her newlywed hubby go to surgery with her as she deals with this? A natural miscarriage (which Kelli would have been smarter to feign) and an ectopic pregnancy are two very different things.
It’s all starting to sound like a Scooby Doo special to me. “And Kelli would have gotten away with it all, too! If only Rachelle had kept her mouth shut.”
And I apologize for being a Wallace *pant pant* I’m done now.
Can I bring my rooster to the farm animal sex swap? He doesn’t have lips to put lipstick on, but the combination of feathers, wattle and beak are a BDSM experience not to be missed. If you prefer a more placid animal, I have a show pony.
I registered a long time ago, lurked way back in the day (I remember vaguely who ee was, if that’s any indication.) Dukey Smoothy Buns (is that from Johnny Test, Dukey?) Paranoid Android, and tons of others have capitalized names. Did they stop allowing that after a certain point? I didn’t realize a capital was unusual.
Pretty much the same? really? So what the fuck do they go to school for all those years for? just send them to Wal-mart to read those boxes and give them a fucking diploma then.
The reason I don’t like your theory is because you are implying that Mike/Matt is way more stupid than someone who used borrowed urine to facilitate a marriage and by the fuck I am hoping that is not possible.
Since the festive season. Some users were smart enough to quickly revert to their usual user names when a troll came and shook things up. I took my sweet time changing back from antixmas to saffer and lost my original username with a capital.
And yeah it is from Johnny test. Lamebook has banned spaces and non-lowercase letters from all user names. I know because I got kicked out once and when I tried to sign up again the had all these fucking rules.
At a walk-in clinic with a general practitioner, it’s a lab tech. and a standard pregnancy test exactly like you’d get at Wal-Mart. They do check hCG levels, but it doesn’t say in the OP how many weeks or months pregnant Rachelle was when she handed over her urine. It was a wayward theory, unprobable perhaps, but along the same far-fetched lines of someone letting you have their pregnant urine KNOWING that you were going to use said urine to trap a man into marrying you.
I have an extremely low opinion of Kelli – she’s thick as two short planks. Can we just agree they’re all idiots? I don’t want to arose the ire or face palms of Sir Dukey Smoothy Buns.
Sorry you lost your original name, saffer. I was lurking around Christmas, I saw when wordpervert got trolled/hacked whatever that moron was doing. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but it’s the lowest form of creativity.
* Sorry about the all caps in knowing up there, I’m off to look up italics on LB.
Makaylah??? I spelled it as above, but my iPad corrected it, which is pretty scary. Anyway I heard a mom yelling at an Arizona and a Dublin in target today, my heart broke. Then I saw a Sowkenya on a friend’s Facebook. I hate everything.