Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Pissed Over Piss

previous post: Let’s Talk About Sex

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68 Comments

  1. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I still don’t get the benefit of tricking a guy into marriage. WTF?

  2. I don’t give away urine.

  3. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Oh, where are my manners. I forgot to add “FUCK MONOGAMY!” in there.

  4. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    On second read-through of this, there are so many fuckaroons I don’t know where to start.

    Rachelle: In what possible way can ‘Can you pee in a jar and give it to me?’ turn out to not be a bad thing? Also it’s spelled ‘Ectopic’

    Mike: What a dickless waste of manhood. First if you want to marry the bitch then go ahead and do it. Don’t drag it on till she has to fake a pregnancy to force you into marriage. Also how do you not know its a fake pregnancy? doctor visits? prenatal vitamins? back-up pregnancy test? back-up back-up pregnancy test by an actual professional.

    Kristin: Meh. Probably still a fuckaroon for not addressing the issue privately.

  5. “Mackaylah”

    *stabs fork in eye*

  6. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Kelli, oh Kelli where the fuck do I start? In addition to being a lying conniving bitch, you are fucking stupid as well. In what universe is that plan foolproof? I have to use a list here

    1.)Building a marriage out of lies? Something tells you you are in that relationship for the social status or the money.
    2.)You think borrowing pee is fucking normal?
    3.)What if he asked for an abortion?
    4.)Why would you stretch the lie to include your childless sister? For authenticity? Yeah that’s the part of your plan that needs work.
    5.)What if he wasn’t a complete idiot and he asked for a real test? What you get pissed and bitch about a lack of trust in the relationship?

    I can keep going but this becoming TL;DR, plus I will leave the ranting to the experts.

  7. Once again I am forced to telephone my mother at an ungodly hour just to thank her that I didn’t turn out to be a participant in an ill-conceived shakesperean tragedy. Oh, and I have to thank her that these other people did, so I can laugh at them. Fuck me, I can’t stop…

  8. Glee?

  9. Everyone involved with this woman should have known there would be serious trashy troubles in the near future the moment she named a child “Mackaylah”.

  10. I’m with Stellaaa. This sounds TOO much like Glee.

    But maybe that’s where she got the idea?

  11. Please please please let this be fake. If it is not please please please say she really had her tubes tied and can not reproduce. Better yet tie the tubes of all involved giving pee what the hell did you think was going to happen!?!

  12. Why would she give her pregnant urine to her friend? Why?

    What did she think was going to happen?

    You want me to help you lie? Well, okay, I’ll do it.

    OMG!!! How could you! you used me to lie to your boyfriend!

  13. Dukey #4- advising from experience?

    Rachelle actually bothers me more than Kelli. She’s bad mouthing her friend in public because she regrets her own choices. You’re the worst of them, Rachelle you bitch, take some responsibility.

  14. Who just hands out their piss to other people?

    “Here you go, try not to have too much fun”

  15. Am I the only one who wants to read more??
    Where’s the rest?
    =(

  16. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    You know it Saffer. As you can guess from my rant, this topic strikes a nerve. I still can’t believe how often this happens though even though it’s such a bad idea.

  17. Dukey, you’re right it’s unfortunately common. I personally know three unrelated girls that got pregnant to “keep” their guys . I apollogise on behalf of womankind.

  18. *apologise

  19. You don’t need a lot of urine for a pregnancy test. Kelli quite possibly have taken the original sample and divided it up, taking a sample to the doctor’s office and just using their test for the ++ sign.

    While it’s true a doctor would also order a blood test, most clinics don’t have in-house labs or even if they do, they won’t get to the blood work immediately. A doctor would take the urine pregnancy test at face value and tell Kelli and Matt that she was indeed pregnant. That’s probably all Matt needed to hear, since they married four days later.

    I’m assuming Kelli is smart enough to think of all this. But she was able to persuade a pregnant friend to give her a urine sample, and she obviously had a well mapped out web of lies, so I’m sticking with this theory.

    I’ve seen a lot of “accidentally on purpose” pregnancies and it almost never ends well.

    On a lighter note: $20 for a clean urine sample sounds like a steal!

  20. *quite possibly could have taken*

  21. @Dukey, if he asked for an abortion she could just take the cash and go shopping for the afternoon. At least, that’s what I did both times.

  22. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    And the abortion? And the paperwork for the surgical or chemical ectopic pregnancy treatment?
    Morrigan I might need to focus my face-palming on you from now on. Are you a prepubescent boy?

    1.) hCG tests can detect the level of the hormone so any expert would detect a discrepancy in the girl’s story (we can all assume she is no Einstein).
    2.) She wouldn’t draw the blood for the test herself (assuming she has no knowledge of phlebotomy) so the blood test would detect a lack of hCG in her blood.
    3.)Why the fuck can’t he wait a few days for the fucking results of the blood test?
    4.) Using ‘Kelli’ and ‘Smart’ in the same sentence is a fucking travesty. Granted Mike is not the brightest light bulb out there but that doesn’t make Kelli.

  23. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    This all reminds me of an old joke
    “One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

    “So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.

    “The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

    “No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

    Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine when he had an idea. John decided to have a little fun with the doctor and pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had yet another brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and even beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

    The doctor looked at him with an agitated look in his face and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!’”

  24. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Hehe @ Bimbo at least you didn’t try the entrapment thing.

  25. Nah, entrapment won’t get me as much money…not til we get that life insurance policy settled away, then get married, then I’m sure you can guess from there…and if there are any little brats running around I don’t want to have to share with them you know?

  26. Looks like I wouldn’t be able to pull the wool over Dukey’s eyes, goddamnit.

  27. Urine pregnancy tests, especially within the first 6 weeks, can be iffy. hCG levels rise immediately after implantation, but can change throughout the day and can show negative results. Even though I was pregnant, I took 2 pregnancy tests that came out positive, and 2 that came out negative (talk about confusing). The only thing that assured me 100% I was pregnant was a vaginal ultrasound.

    Blood tests aren’t 100% accurate, either. It’s the same with the urine tests… hCG varies throughout the day and especially within the first 6 weeks. Most OB-GYN’s skip blood tests now and go directly to vaginal ultrasound.

    I sure as fuck hope Kelli can’t reproduce anymore, though I’d wish Rachelle had gotten her tubes tied as well. What’s with people airing dirty laundry over Facebook? That’s seriously an issue you bring up in private. Mackaylah? Ugh… that child is destined for a future full of low-expectations.

  28. Unrelated: Morrigan as in DAO Morrigan?

  29. Erm, hCG, as far as I know, is supposed to continually gradually rise throughout a pregnancy, especially during the first several weeks. The numbers should be doubling every few days. I wouldn’t think it would fluctuate unless there was a problem, or maybe a disappearing twin. I think your two negative tests were just duds.

    I’m not even going to touch that clusterfuck that is the original post.

  30. Afterthought… this (*stress* PRIVATE) conversation happened over three days! You’d think it would’ve been deleted in the first five minutes.

    I’d give a left leg to see Mike’s page.

  31. lllllb:

    It’s possible they were duds, but about the continuously rising… I’m pretty sure that’s only a half truth. Why else would they recommend you take the test with your morning urine if not for the higher levels of hCG present? There’s a higher presence of the hormone in your body as opposed to if you were not pregnant, but those first 6 weeks (sometimes as far as he first trimester, but this is kind of rare) are pretty much your body’s hormones trying to find a good balance.

    PS: Did anyone else notice that the dude’s name is MATT and not Mike?

  32. Bah, let me clarify my ramblings:

    The hormone levels are rising, but they drop at different times throughout the days. That is why morning urine is the best to get the most accurate results. As you get further along the pregnancy, the hormone levels will find a balance and there will continuously be a steady amount of hCG in the body.

  33. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    The Mike is probably misspelled. :D <— this means I think you are a cretin.

  34. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    hCG levels WILL increase. In fact if they fluctuate or increase slowly then that means that she DOES have an ectopic pregnancy and she isn’t a lying conniving bitch.

  35. Most of the the newer tests state you don’t require a morning sample of urine for testing. Apparently you can pee on that stick whenever the hell you want. As for whether it’s accurate or not…

    But quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck about any of this. As far as I’m concerned, the piss peddler, the sterile bitch, and, her softcock of a husband can all go take a long walk off a short pier chained to something really fucking heavy.

  36. Wow Dukey, that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say in one go.

    Rachelle is unbelievably stupid. What the hell did she think was going to happen. Kelli spelt it out for her and then Rachelle acts all shocked! Ffs.

  37. ‘Hi you exploded a spunk bomb inside of my belly, now I’m growing a human and you’ll have to marry me’

    ‘Oh hi, yes I remember spewing my cream into your lady gutter, please let me see a tube of piss so that I can verify your claim’

    ‘Here you go, here’s one I prepared earlier’

    ‘Ok this all seems fine, just take a seat over there and let me get my broom handle and coat-hanger’

  38. *Sigh*

    *Shakes head*

    *Walks away*

  39. Hey Paranoid, come back!

    Now you’re both here, thought I’d share … “The Boat that Guy Built”. 2nd March, 7.30, BBC1. I’m excited, are you?

  40. *turns on heel*

    Aye, sounds proper grand does that by ecky thump ;)

    *makes mental note that using asterisks to denote actions becomes tiresome after a bit*

  41. I am excited curly!… To be fair though that’s got more to do with me forcing my latest sperm extractor to teabag me as I type to you.

    I should record my voice so that you can dub over it with filth?

  42. Paranoid what is a mental note?… Is it when you push a pen up your bum to write with, cause I’m always doing that.

  43. Ah mofo, you always know just what to say to get a girl going don’t you. That’s a great idea, I await with extreme excitement. *rubs hands with glee*

    Or, we three could get together to watch. You can bring your sheep if you want, I’m not a jealous person.

  44. If I can bring my lipstick wearing goat, you got yo’self a deal lady.

  45. Brilliant, goats are much more civilised anyway. And maybe I’ll get some make up tips.

  46. Paranoid I’ll bring my ewe and we can have a Sheep Swap?…What colour lipstick does your goat wear I have found that Sensual Pink highlights the brown in their eyes beautifully?

    curly If you’re in the mood for rubbing don’t waste it on hands!

  47. Sorry guys, was busy there furiously fiddling behind my desk. All that talk of sheep, goats and 2 dirty Yorkshiremen – what more could I ask for!

  48. Bestiality on a Thursday? No time for that, to busy prostituting my poodles.

  49. “Furiously fiddling” Why the fuck am I thinking of Nigel Kennedy?

  50. Imamofo, where do you get the Sensual Pink lipstick? Would it also work on my Gerbil? She is called Dolly but has a harelip.

  51. Lol that wasn’t my intention.

  52. Pissing on a stick debate aside, I’m still at a loss for WHY THE FUCK PEOPLE POST THIS SHIT ON FACEBOOK?!

  53. I guess I wasn’t clear. I meant she could have divided the pee she got from her pregnant friend into two containers – one she used to show her boyfriend the first at-home test (using an eye dropper.)

    She could then take her boyfriend with her to a clinic. When they say: ‘go pee in this cup’ and she goes into the bathroom with her purse/sample to carry out her plan.

    A clinic would pull out a pregnancy test that looks pretty much the same as an at-home test and get the positive result. They would also do the blood work to check for STDs and the like. Never did I say she was “sticking a needle herself” – I said that would be done at the clinic. Of course the blood work would say she wasn’t pregnant. But all she needs in that instant, a doctor with an hCG level pregnancy test to come into the little room and say to Matt that his life is about to flash before his eyes. All the blood work results would be sent to a lab AFTER the urine test at a walk-in clinic.

    As for why Matt can’t wait for the blood test (which would be hours, if not the next day) – god knows. Maybe he’s not very smart?

    Look, it’s all very contrived and I was just offering a theory on how a woman with stolen urine might be able to convince a guy that she was in fact, pregnant. An at-home test can yield a positive result from urine saturation, so he might not take that at face value. If he marched her to a clinic and the lab did the hCG and blood work (with the results of the blood work coming a few hours later, and remember they would be phoning HER not Matt with the results, so she could say whatever she wanted on her end of the conversation) and there you have it – faked pregnancy.

  54. Wow, somebody sound the Wallace alarm, we got ourselves a live one here.

    (Good usage of paragraphs though)

  55. I didn’t mean Kelli was smart, but we’re not talking about a bunch of geniuses here. Kelli played Matt, played her pregnant friend Rachelle into giving her a urine sample, and (apparently) her own sister. To me, Matt is the biggest idiot of the bunch for:

    a) sleeping with Kelli in the first place.
    b) not using a condom.
    c) not waiting for the blood test.
    d) marrying Kelli even though the plan was to put the baby up for adoption.
    e) Kelli said ectopic pregnancy, wouldn’t her newlywed hubby go to surgery with her as she deals with this? A natural miscarriage (which Kelli would have been smarter to feign) and an ectopic pregnancy are two very different things.

    It’s all starting to sound like a Scooby Doo special to me. “And Kelli would have gotten away with it all, too! If only Rachelle had kept her mouth shut.”

  56. And I apologize for being a Wallace *pant pant* I’m done now. :)

    Can I bring my rooster to the farm animal sex swap? He doesn’t have lips to put lipstick on, but the combination of feathers, wattle and beak are a BDSM experience not to be missed. If you prefer a more placid animal, I have a show pony. ;)

  57. korrigan have you been around long? How did you get a capital in your name?

  58. I registered a long time ago, lurked way back in the day (I remember vaguely who ee was, if that’s any indication.) Dukey Smoothy Buns (is that from Johnny Test, Dukey?) Paranoid Android, and tons of others have capitalized names. Did they stop allowing that after a certain point? I didn’t realize a capital was unusual.

  59. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Pretty much the same? really? So what the fuck do they go to school for all those years for? just send them to Wal-mart to read those boxes and give them a fucking diploma then.
    The reason I don’t like your theory is because you are implying that Mike/Matt is way more stupid than someone who used borrowed urine to facilitate a marriage and by the fuck I am hoping that is not possible.

  60. Since the festive season. Some users were smart enough to quickly revert to their usual user names when a troll came and shook things up. I took my sweet time changing back from antixmas to saffer and lost my original username with a capital. :(

    *moment of silence*

  61. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    And yeah it is from Johnny test. Lamebook has banned spaces and non-lowercase letters from all user names. I know because I got kicked out once and when I tried to sign up again the had all these fucking rules.

  62. Oops!…

    *Matt not Mike

    * Morrigan not Korrigan

  63. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Don’t worry Saffer, you will still be Duchess Buns to me.

  64. ahh thank you finally acknowledging that Dukey :)

  65. At a walk-in clinic with a general practitioner, it’s a lab tech. and a standard pregnancy test exactly like you’d get at Wal-Mart. They do check hCG levels, but it doesn’t say in the OP how many weeks or months pregnant Rachelle was when she handed over her urine. It was a wayward theory, unprobable perhaps, but along the same far-fetched lines of someone letting you have their pregnant urine KNOWING that you were going to use said urine to trap a man into marrying you.

    I have an extremely low opinion of Kelli – she’s thick as two short planks. Can we just agree they’re all idiots? I don’t want to arose the ire or face palms of Sir Dukey Smoothy Buns.

    Sorry you lost your original name, saffer. I was lurking around Christmas, I saw when wordpervert got trolled/hacked whatever that moron was doing. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but it’s the lowest form of creativity.

    * Sorry about the all caps in knowing up there, I’m off to look up italics on LB.

  66. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I don’t want to arose the ire or face palms of Sir Dukey Smoothy Buns. Indeed :D .

    Don’t blame me Morrigan, my brain is just having a really hard time accepting the existence of these levels stupidity.

  67. Sir Dukey Smoothy Buns, but there’s always someone worse off…just when I think I’ve heard of the dumbest shit alive, LB provides another one (they’re good like that.)

    Do I get half a point for knowing it was Matt not Mike? Or is bringing that up more likely to get me the dreaded face-palm? Because if it is, I didn’t bring it up. :)

  68. Makaylah??? I spelled it as above, but my iPad corrected it, which is pretty scary. Anyway I heard a mom yelling at an Arizona and a Dublin in target today, my heart broke. Then I saw a Sowkenya on a friend’s Facebook. I hate everything.

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