Thursday, August 23, 2012

Lamebooker Challenge: Lost in Translation

Help us translate this submission into English.
Whoever has the best translation wins 10 internets!

Find out the winner of the previous Lamebooker Challenge here!

Find out the winner of this challenge after the jump!

Votes have been tallied! Congratulations nakedsnail! You’ve won with the following translation:

Meet your new obsession: Kayleigh, also known as “Kaely” or “Breezy”.

Keep your mouth closed unless an opportunity of a male member presents itself to you. Do not listen to rumours but judge my actions for yourself.

I am currently single; although many things trouble me, I do not have a boyfriend to worry about.

Would you like to go on a date with me? Sorry, but I’m out of your league and have a reputation to uphold.

I am amazed by the fact that many of my actions are unpredictable. I may be small, but I have won a few fights, probably because I am not worried if I get hurt.

It irritates me when other people slander my name, I can tell when people are lying and it makes me angry. If you have a problem with me, I would rather you addressed the issue to my face instead of talking behind my back.

I can guarantee that you are a woman of ill repute, and I will punch you extremely hard for no reason. I smoke marijuana but I do not take any other drugs. I have been known to experience extreme mood swings, psychopathic and stalkerish tendencies.

My words and actions may shock you, but when I am happy, you will smile too – I have that effect on people. I am an imbecile, and utter such idiocies you will never be able to wipe from your memory. I drink too much and usually end up in a pile of vomit (hopefully my own) at the end of a night out.

I frequently make fun of others, but if you do not appreciate bullying then you should stay away from my social media page.

I am a misogynist and feel threatened by others of the same sex. Women are cruel and do not uphold a good reputation. I also have trust issues, and prefer my own company for fear of getting hurt. I am emotionally stunted and cannot handle any situation that requires empathy.

I do not care what other people think of me, as long as they do think about me. I am not dependent on anybody and fear emotional intimacy. You cannot make an impression on my life. When people say mean things about me, I am not insulted, but entertained. If you try to take advantage of me, you will be making a mistake, because I am an expert in taking what I want and delivering cutting remarks.

I have cultural identity and self esteem issues. When I am in a relationship, I submit completely to a man, but before you approach me I would advise that you find out more about me, as I have been in trouble with the police many times.

Whether or not I have been good or bad to you, I will stay in your memory for these rest of your life; I am unique, crazy, and mean, and will leave you questioning your sanity.

I was born in 1994, am writing this in 2010, and reserve the right to ownership of this autobiography.

previous post: Complicated

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89 Comments

  1. STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR??????????

  2. Translation: “I suffer from extremely high self-esteem.”

  3. In English:

    “Hi, I’m Kaely. I only speak in moronic urban cliches. There is absolutely nothing original, interesting, or unique about me. I serve no useful purpose whatsoever. I have no idea what “All Rights Reserved means.”

  4. Translation: Mom’s not home so whateva whateva I do what I want.

  5. Translation:

    “Hi, I’m Kaely. My Dad should have worn a condom.”

  6. Meet your new obsession: Kayleigh, also known as “Kaely” or “Breezy”.

    Keep your mouth closed unless an opportunity of a male member presents itself to you. Do not listen to rumours but judge my actions for yourself.

    I am currently single; although many things trouble me, I do not have a boyfriend to worry about.

    Would you like to go on a date with me? Sorry, but I’m out of your league and have a reputation to uphold.

    I am amazed by the fact that many of my actions are unpredictable. I may be small, but I have won a few fights, probably because I am not worried if I get hurt.

    It irritates me when other people slander my name, I can tell when people are lying and it makes me angry. If you have a problem with me, I would rather you addressed the issue to my face instead of talking behind my back.

    I can guarantee that you are a woman of ill repute, and I will punch you extremely hard for no reason. I smoke marijuana but I do not take any other drugs. I have been known to experience extreme mood swings, psychopathic and stalkerish tendencies.

    My words and actions may shock you, but when I am happy, you will smile too – I have that effect on people. I am an imbecile, and utter such idiocies you will never be able to wipe from your memory. I drink too much and usually end up in a pile of vomit (hopefully my own) at the end of a night out.

    I frequently make fun of others, but if you do not appreciate bullying then you should stay away from my social media page.

    I am a misogynist and feel threatened by others of the same sex. Women are cruel and do not uphold a good reputation. I also have trust issues, and prefer my own company for fear of getting hurt. I am emotionally stunted and cannot handle any situation that requires empathy.

    I do not care what other people think of me, as long as they do think about me. I am not dependent on anybody and fear emotional intimacy. You cannot make an impression on my life. When people say mean things about me, I am not insulted, but entertained. If you try to take advantage of me, you will be making a mistake, because I am an expert in taking what I want and delivering cutting remarks.

    I have cultural identity and self esteem issues. When I am in a relationship, I submit completely to a man, but before you approach me I would advise that you find out more about me, as I have been in trouble with the police many times.

    Whether or not I have been good or bad to you, I will stay in your memory for these rest of your life; I am unique, crazy, and mean, and will leave you questioning your sanity.

    I was born in 1994, am writing this in 2010, and reserve the right to ownership of this autobiography.

  7. I believe this to be a DNA sequence from the planet Fucktard.

  8. All it says to me is: ‘Hey everybody, I WANT YOUR FUCKING ATTENTION, I’m an 18 year old fuck up who blew school for the sake of being the class clown every fucking day, hence I can’t really write or speak English for shit, but fuck it, GIVE ME YOUR DAMN ATTENTION.’

  9. tl;dr

  10. What Nakedsnail said.

  11. “I’m 9, and I’m not pregnant yet, but I should be before my 10th birthday. YOLO!”

  12. Pretty sure that’s just what you type in if you have a really old Nokia and you want to have Skrillex as your ringtone.

  13. Meet your new obsession: Kaely. Also known as: k*BrEEZZy (sic). My name is not for your mouth; it is not a penis. What you have heard about me is factually incorrect, it is but what you see in front of you that you should base your opinion solely upon.

    I am single for now, or until I hope aboard the next Cock-Express. Would you like feast your eyes upon my veritable goody-bags? Well, you can’t! I’m just too much to handle, and you will not find any form of jizz stain upon my damn-fine Gucci wares.

    I am a random bitch, small but tough. I am so reckless that I am shocked by my clean STI record. I hate it when people talk shit; the irony is not palpable to me.

    Do you have something to say to me? Say it to my face. But wait. I don’t really want you to say it to my face; I want you to do something about it instead, because I am a walking contradiction.

    I am under the impression that 100% of the time you are selling the rights to your body, and well, that gives me the right to hit you harder that the grade-A narcotics I enjoy the smoking of. But wait some more! I’m not just any type of shit, bitch, I’m some other shit, something that cannot be likened to just any shit; I am the shit. Some might say ‘shit-hot’.

    I must reiterate, again, that I do in fact like to smoke marijuana, because I am outrageous. I like to rhyme, so I’ll say my smiles are contagious; or that could be code for my potential congenital herpes. My blonde moments are legendary, I wish, but I’m not really blonde; I’m just thick as shit.

    I’m notorious for partying too hard, passing out, getting thrown in the back of strangers vans and date-raped – woo! Go team! I enjoy a laugh, so when I see this post on lamebook.com I should, hopefully, be able to laugh at the cornucopia of fun that inevitably come my way. Get off my page, all those that hate me, even though I allow myself to be open to such ridicule. I hate women! They all hate me; though I can never figure out why.

    I trust no one (I have a sheltered life). I hate the drama that life brings; so if you have an extra-helping of drama keep it away from me. You can hate me all you like; it makes no difference to me, because you’re all my entertainment. Do you want to fuck me over? Well you can’t!

    I am one, seriously, white woman one who will make strides in this world until I invent a new renewable source of energy! So before you make fun of me for my illiteracy, get to know me, come find out how much of a white-trash-trailer girl I am. You won’t forget it. Seriously. I’m a cunt. You will never forget me. Never. Ever. I’m the next generation of 50-shades lovers.

    I have lost the will to live. Translating this makes me want to club baby seals, and drown puppies. 1994-2010 (because either my copyright has run out, or I’ve died), Kaely. All Rights Reserved.

    If this is the evolution of the English language: I no longer want to live on this planet.

  14. “Hi, I’m Kaely… I’ve used all my neurons learning to type like this. So, I will suck at everything else.”

  15. Greetings from someone so attractive you cannot help but expend all your thoughts upon her.

    My name is Kaely, but I’ve also been known to answer to K’Breezy ( which is such a silly moniker, I must admonish you not to confuse it with a penis and attempt to stimulate it orally).
    Gossip about myself is sadly incorrect, so please understand that the magnificence that you see here before you is the one legitimate truth.
    I am not currently romantically affiliated with anyone; with the multitude of struggles in my life, at least I don’t need to fear being stalked by male genitalia.
    Would you like to peruse my pirate treasure? Unfortunately it will blind you if you look. It shines so intensely it even cleaned all the dirt from my clothing. Especially cleansing was the Gucci, but that is probably because I rule as queen the country where it is made, and can demand the highest shine.
    I’m small and hard to chew, like jerky. I ignore my own safety to such a degree that I’ve even been known to chew on myself!
    On another topic, I dislike it when people try to speak and only fecal matter comes out. Then I have to tell my African-American friend how much the area stinks like a vagina. This topic has made me angry!
    Do you have inside information on me? You should yell and testify. Except you shouldn’t. You should force me onto a path of change. Because although you can shape-shift with ease, you always stay as a gardening implement which means I can easily hit you harder than the cannabis leaf I light on fire and inhale.
    My mind has altered! I am standing on a clean floor, with no feces in sight, yet I’m standing in a pile of feces simultaneously! Strange! Greetings! How are you now that I’ve materialized with my pirate treasure and internal waste on your doorstep? Oh no! You are angry! Why are you shooting more poop at me with your gun?! I already have more than I want! Ooh, look, money.
    Sorry, back to the point. My mind wanders. I should warn you that my smiles have been identified by the CDC as a highly contagious pathogen–please take the proper precautions.
    Sometimes my hair changes colors. This has spawned stories in the past centuries that, handed down through the ages, have become more and more epic. One might even say they are legend.
    I always take my partying too far and most of my friends end up at the bottom of the cliff. One of these days I will learn to stop a few feet before the edge.
    I love to joke, so if you are depressed and in need of a friend, you can just turn yourself around right now and wade yourself out of my poop mound, because I don’t care. And don’t touch my pirate booty!
    I dislike girls, in fact I hate them which makes my existence very troubled. I trust no one, so when I drive to work, I create my own driving lane where others aren’t allowed to follow. If they try, I fling feces and gold coins at them.
    I hate the theater, so if you have a mobile drama troupe, please keep them away from me. It is possible to hate while on top of actors and I don’t like that.
    It doesn’t matter how you feel about me, I’ve still forced you to spend time thinking about me and since any kind of attention whether positive or negative makes me feel more secure, nothing anyone does can influence me in any way. Ever.
    People who hate me entertain me. They may try to play Legend of Zelda on me, but they fail. Meanwhile, I am quite capable of loading Prince of Persia onto their chests and playing all day. They try to have intercourse with me but their penises are so small and their muscles so flabby that I just need to gently use the broom on them and they fall away. Then I do the Hustle in celebration.
    This white baby hen who currently is covered in a soft down on her bottom is actually a female dog! Surprise! I’m holding reality together for you, so grab a hold and be grateful.
    Read my dossier before attempting conversation with me (because I can tell you right now, I’m not an obedient dog). You’ll remember me forever if you do that, for good or ill. Because I’m definitely one of a group: a mentally deranged dog that breathes heavily in your face.
    Also, I died two years ago. Copyright 2010.

  16. Meet your new obesity;
    Kaely (yes, that’s spelled the way my parents did because they hate me)
    a.k.a I speak nizzy and love to suck dick.
    There’s a distinct possibility that I’m enjoying being single too much, I’m getting seriously good at swallowing.
    I fight like a honey badger.
    Awww, yah, honey badger don’t give a shit.
    I’m seriously high right now.
    And I have no idea how I got this gun.
    But it makes me smile.
    The only friends I have are guys because I can’t manipulate bitches with my cum-swallowing skills.
    Drama is my middle name.
    I crave attention from people so much because my daddy told me I was ugly.
    I don’t know what a catch 22 is.
    So talk to me. But don’t talk to me unless you know me. But talk to me if you want to get to know me. But not unless you know me.
    I think I’m coming down off my high.
    Also, there’s a cock in my mouth.
    Peace.
    Copyright jargon is sexy.

  17. Meet your new village idiot: KAELY $$$$$$ aka GED Swagger, or just Dumbass, for short. But don’t ever say it, it’s a club secret. Instead, fill it with some penis? Don’t doubt the validity of the noise intruding your ears. If you see something, recognize it, goddammit.

    My legs are wide-ass open, as of late. I got 99 problems and being coherent sure is one! Swagger level, you ask? Too bad. I’m too swaggerlicious and when I eat food, I don’t get any stains.

    Here’s a random, dumbass fact about myself: I’m so freaking spontaneous that they should crown me queen of the idiots. I may be petite, but I’ve killed motherfuckers. Just like DJ Khaled and Rick Ross do on the daily.

    I often come across people who are obviously smarter than me by a large margin and they start talking in a foreign language (I think they call it English?) but when they do, there’s just this pungent smell coming from there direction.

    Questions, comments, concerns? Give me a call and let me know! If you’re going to talk, you might as well perform some action while your doing it, too.

    Even though you’re practically copulating 24 hours a day, I’ll still hit you. I’m hard like that. I smoke the marijuana of Bruce Lee’s punches.

    You know what I always say: Never go with the other shit, just get some more shit.

    Weed.

    At times, I’m outrageous. I’m also currently suffering from an incurable disease called Contagious Smiles Disease, or CSD. Stay very far away, unless you want to look like a pussy for the rest of your life.

    I kid you not, I’m so much of an idiot that people have made legends of my stupidity. I’m practically a household name in my hood! Also, I only go to social events so I can get piss drunk, take off all my clothes, fuck every guy, girl and dog there, and then wake up without a kidney.

    When I make jokes, YOU BETTER FUCKING LAUGH. If not, you might find a fist on your face somewhere.

    Girls are just so dumb. I’m also a girl, but every other one is a scandalous bitch, BUT NOT ME! My pimp says I’m special. :)

    I can’t trust anybody. Everybody is so untrustworthy. They don’t know me. They don’t know my life. They don’t know what I’ve been through.

    If drama is running rampant, I want no part of that ish! I just want the simple life out on the countryside. And don’t try and hide the fact the fact that you’re always thinking about me, whether it be by love or hate. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I’m still a fucking moron.

    You know what….actually, I really love my haters. Nevermind that last paragraph! Drama’s awesome!

    Care to play a game of chess? NOPE, I play chess harder than you, sorry.

    Care to have sex over a guardrail or something? That’ll be swell. I can brush myself off afterwards, so you don’t need to bring towels or water or anything.

    Surprise! I’m white bitches! Bet you didn’t expect that. Now that you know I’m so interesting and spontaneous, you should come at me with your name and number (and SSN).

    Here’s a game I like to play: Find out everything you can about me before even talking to me face to face. It makes things awkward when I have to explain to people what I’m like and things I like to do. Honestly, people are sooooo ignorant!

    My daddy honestly said I was one of a kind, but let’s face it, there are numerous dumb idiots like me out there and you should definitely avoid me at all costs. All I have to offer is weed, coke, a mouth, and what little change I have.

    1994-2010 Kaely. All my rights are not reserved anymore. Upon further investigation, I’ve found out that it’s 2012 and not 2010. Please don’t take my name! :(

    Wow, that was honestly painful. She should’ve been swallowed.

  18. Translation:

    I was poorly named by my parents and therefore go by the name of Kaely.

    I am unemployable due to suffering from a severe form of language Spastification and crippling Mega-Dyslexia.

    My high opinion of myself is conversely related to my I.Q

    English is not my first language and I learned everything from watching R’n'B videos on MTV and my keyboard is in hyrogliphics with a randomly strobing Caps Lock button.

    Don’t shoot me, I’m not worth the bullet.

  19. Oh ffs. At least with the last challenge the answers were just one-liners.

  20. ^have you read any of the novellas above? the first really long one got a high score, then everyone just said “fuck this for a game of soldiers” and didn’t read anymore.
    which is great, because it proves there is some hope for some of us.
    maybe.

  21. Hello, It’s delightfully pleasant to make your aquaintance. Please allow me to introduce myself. My given name is Kaely, but some of my closer friends have annointed me with the moniker KBreezy. I have attained the age of 16 years although I present my years as if they belong on an epitaph. I neither have a penis on me or currently in me so you may ascertain that I am a single female. I speak in a delightfully inner-city manner as to better display my class and education. I fancy myself to be rather tough although I am small of stature. Should one tangle with me they might find themselves engaged in fisticuffs.

    I am a panoply of contradictions. Allow me to elaborate. I strongly dislike other women, but have a strange affinity for myself. I must insist that you cease and desist with dramatic behavior in my company, but I will be overly forthcoming with the same. I am of caucasian heritage but I use racially inflammatory slang about African Americans with impunity. Finally, I strongly disapprove of others speaking in an inflammatory, libelous, or derogatory manner, but these characteristics are what primarily describe my own utterances.

    Have a lovely day and do drop in for a visit

    Kind regards,

    Kaely

  22. she’s 16? oh good. this trainwreck just keeps on getting fucking better and better, don’t it?

    all you fat, contented, fucking sheep are picking on a child because a website invited you to.

    humans of the year, the fucking lot of you.

  23. I don’t actually know how to use a semicolon. But aren’t they pretty decorations? Also, did you know that the shift button makes the letters go big? And if you press shift and numbers at the same time, they make symbols. I wrote most of this by smashing my face on the keyboard over and over again. YOLO BITCHES.

  24. MsAnneThrope, can you do math? 2012-1994=18. Adult.

  25. 2 things.
    1) I didn’t fucking read that. because why the fuck would I?
    2)I know more teenage girls who lie about their age online than I know those who tell the truth.

  26. maths?
    1 + 1 = stfu

  27. Actually, it says 1994-2010. It was written 2 years ago

    when she was 16.

  28. I blame society.

  29. Coddling children too much and not addressing their unbelievable stupidity with harsh swiftness is exactly what got us children like this in the first place.

  30. ^not always. in kaely’s case, because she is quite obviously african-american, a lot of what went into filling her so full of stupidity and ugliness is a couple centuries of being treated like a piece of shit for the colour of her skin.

  31. Well since you already said you didn’t read it, though it was a struggle, spoiler alert: she’s white.

    “THIS WHITE CHICK IS A DOWN-ASS BITCH,” she says, albeit with more lowercase letters scattered here and there.

    And I sincerely doubt she’s been enduring anything at all for centuries.

  32. so why are the pixels all black?

    doesn’t change the fact that she’s still a child. this ‘competition’ is encouraging you to slander a child.
    I’m pretty sure you could be criminally charged for it under the laws of most modern countries, too.

  33. it says: I am sofa king we Todd Ed.

  34. MsAnne, if you honestly feel that strongly, you should contact lamebook with your complaint. They are pretty quick with deleting pages if they receive a genuine complaint.

  35. translation: hey, I’m a douche!

  36. I’d give those 10 internets to Wokki though : -)

  37. LiverFullOfSambuca

    Meet your new Kaely.

    I’m also known as KBreezzy but I’d prefer you not speaketh my name.
    Though some may taketh my name in vain, you shall hear no evil.
    You will know me whenst you see me.
    I taketh no partner.
    I walketh through the valley of the shadow of 99 problems.
    I fear no evil.
    I swallow without fear.
    I catcheth no disease.
    I cover thy body with thy Gucci.
    I appear whenst you least expect me.

    O, fear thy small one for I shall appear as meek.
    I await thy orders for the seal of the reckless will open.
    Thy angels on standby as I have taken it upon myself to wreak havoc.

    Talketh not about me thy whores of Babylon, thy fornicators.
    Thoust who speaketh mine name shall do so in mine eyes as I command thee.
    Whores of Babylon shall shudder with fear upon mention of my name as I am an angry KBreezzy.

    Fear not thy temptation of thy smoke for it is thy powerful.
    Thy smoke which will have me appear at thy door.
    O, whores of Babylon! Thy shall shudder in fear for what thy looketh upon will be a vengeful KBreezzy.
    Thy will fear me.

    Thy will see my smile and will have been stricken with the disease.
    O, but I am only human and I have human error as thy temptation of thy smoke hath maketh me but a sinner.

    O, thy shall come to thy alter of KBreezzy for comfort. KBreezzy shall enlighten thy soul and bringeth joy.
    Be cautious for thy KBreezzy is a jealous KBreezzy who shall ban thee from thy communication.

    Whores shall repent or shall be judged for thy KBreezzy shall shun thee to the valley of the shadow of doubt
    where thy shall be the object of thine horrible penance where thy shall be instructed to know me.

    Pray to me, know me and thy shall be forever absolved amen.

  38. Blah blah blah penis. Blah blah blah racial slur. Blah blah blah mash keyboard with face. Blah blah blah what doES tHIS bUTtOn Do? Blah blah blah random tangent….

  39. Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but there’s no way you’ll ever be able to read the sh*t I wrote so you’ll just have to call me maybe.

  40. A profile of:

    Kaely

    I am also known as Breezzy, but please don’t call me that. Disregard unsubstantiated rumours and believe in what you can tangibly see.
    I am currently not in a relationship, alothough I have many troubles in my life I believe that by not being dependant on a man I can
    rise above any challenge and better myself in the process. Many men view woman as throwaway pleasures but I hold myself to a higher standard,
    I am a law abiding citizen and I carefully think through every life choice. I am fairly petit however I do take self defense classes
    where we have been learning to take care of ourselves. I dislike people who discuss things behind other peoples backs. I find it cheap and
    a poor reflection of character. I believe that honesty is truly important and so discussing problems face to face is the best way to resolve
    any personal issues. I don’t often boast but you probably shouldn’t try to argue with me becuase my wit and intellect will hit you harder than
    a bullet on your doorstep. I have good dental hygiene and I love to smile and laugh, I am however human and am prone to the occassional mistake.
    I love meeting up with my friends and catching up with them and their lives over a glass of Semillon. I am a vibrant and well humoured
    woman so if you don’t enjoy light hearted activities I don’t know why you are reading this. I am wary about meeting new people, especially
    other women, I’ve had some bad experiences where people have lied to me or used me to get to someone else, it can be hard to trust people
    in this day and age. Some people strive to be loved by all they meet, they feel a need to please everyone. I am not like that. I am
    confident in myself and if somebody doesn’t like me I can accept that and get on with my life. The way I think of it is, even if someone
    doesn’t like you, at least they thought about you and considered you important enough to form an opinion of. I am down to earth but you
    should get to know me before you criticise me as taking the time to understand me I can assure you that you will never forget me. Everyone
    is unique, it’s just some are more unique than others ;)

    Sincerely Kaely

  41. that’s hilarious, franky. do you seriously think that this place operates under any moral or ethical guidelines?

  42. Greetings, and allow me to introduce you to your latest object of interest! My name is Kaely, but my friends call me Breezy. However, I request that fellatio-prone scoundrels refrain from using that name.

    Please forget those rumors you have heard about me. I ask that you pay attention only to what you personally witness. I do not currently have a boyfriend; but while I do have many challenges, I assure you that finding a man is not one of them.

    Are you curious to know if I have style? Allow me to inform you that I am abundantly stylish, and spotless too! (Watch out, Gucci!) My attributes are of a highly uncorrelated distribution. I am small in stature, but strong at heart. I am quite independent and self-sufficient.

    I dislike it when people speak ill of me, especially when they happen to be so cowardly themselves! If people have an observation to make about me, I wish for them to confront me personally. In fact, I prefer that my critics act out their feelings rather than merely expressing them; for most of them are of low moral character, and I wish to strike them, even with an intensity greater than the strong medicinal agents I consume! In fact, not only am I tenacious; I am fearsome! (The type of fearsome that is manifested in surprising folks at their front door with a firearm, for example.)

    I enjoy consuming the cannabis sativa plant. I can be very vivacious, and have a delightful smile! As a fair-haired woman, I am known for my dopey escapades, and I do tend to overdo my evening socializing. I enjoy a good laugh now and then; if you do not appreciate humor, then you probably ought not to be on my Facebook page, and I invite you to move on.

    I have a strong aversion toward other females. I dislike them all, in fact, for they are persons of low repute! I do not trust other people. I prefer to act independently and mind my own business. I dislike dramatic tension, so please maintain such behaviors at a distance from my person.

    Of course, feel free to think ill of me; whether you appreciate me or disapprove of me, at least you are still thinking of me—though that does not affect me one way or the other. However, I do appreciate my critics as my primary source of daily amusement, if nothing else. Just when they think they are getting the upper hand on me, they find that, in fact, it is I who prevail! If they try to harm me, I recover instantly and strive even harder to triumph!

    I am one white lady who can be pleasant and quite forward, so be feel free to talk to me. But become acquainted with me before you attempt to address me; rest assured, I am a very colorful personal, and you will not forget me easily, whether the experience be positive or negative. For there is no question that I am very unique—a notable woman who will amaze you!

    1994-2010
    Ms. Kaely *****
    All Rights Reserved

  43. Certainly, they operate under a fear of being sued..

    I’ve seen a number of pages deleted on what could only be a single complaint from the facebooker being mocked.

    You may at least try.. isn’t that what a lot of your blog is about? Doing something rather than just whinging about it?

    Don’t make me bring out my hypocrite card.

  44. doing something over something that is actually important, franky.
    not this crap.

    oh no. plz don’t call me a hypocrite. omg.

  45. Hey, you’re the one going on about it. I’m just trying to help…

    ..hypocrite.

  46. It says:
    “My name is Kaely because my parents are assholes and I desperately need an education.”

  47. I’m just pointering the most obvious of shit out to those seemingly unaware fucking spazztards who think child abuse and cyber-bullying is so terrifically amusing.
    Pretty sure that the FBI takes an alternative stance on the matter, btw.
    Don’t get pissy with me. I don’t make these laws nor necessarily agree with them, I just know that they exist because people are low-life scum.

    and the worst scum are people who pick on defenseless kids.

  48. …and I swear that is all there is to it.

  49. Who gives a fuck what age or colour this stupid twat is? These kind of people should be fucking neuthered.

    Is someone picking on a kid here? Because I’m pretty sure, since the face and name is obscured, that we are mocking a line of text.

    Take your lithium and go lie down.

  50. ^I see you didn’t read it, either.

    but what’s a ‘neuthered’? is it what your mother does for fag money?

  51. Acquaint yourself with your most recent infatuation; Kaely.
    I am oft referred to by the allonym “K Breezy”. That is my preferred moniker. Please refrain from putting my name into your mouth, as it is not a penis. Vehemently disregard what you have harkened upon, and rather, behold what it is that you see with thine own eyes.
    At present, I am unwed. I have one less than five-score issues, not one of which involves the male reproductive organs. Would you be so inclined as to verify the confidence, style, and perhaps arrogance belonging to me? However, verification may be unnecessary, as the level of the forementioned

  52. Hi, I’m a young lass and still trying to find my identity in a world that is so fucking hard to fit into. I’ve found writing to be a good medium to express my feelings and just because I don’t conform to standard spelling gives you no right what-so-fucking-ever to judge me. Most importantly, whether or not I’ve found my own identity, I am honest, I am most definitely my own person and I will not bow down to the hypocritical degenerates we are all forced to deal with from day to day.

  53. Acquaint yourself with your most recent infatuation; Kaely.
    I am oft referred to by the allonym “K Breezy”. That is my preferred moniker. Please refrain from putting my name into your mouth, as it is not a penis. Vehemently disregard what you have harkened upon, and rather, behold what it is that you see with thine own eyes.

    At present, I am unwed. I have one less than five-score issues, not one of which involves the male reproductive organs. Would you be so inclined as to verify the confidence, style, and perhaps arrogance belonging to me? However, verification may be unnecessary, as the level of the aforementioned attributes I possess are extremely palatable, and upon inspection you will find that there be no blemish on my self, nor my reputation.
    All that is required of me to proclaim is, “Be damned, Gucci!”.

    I am the monarch of unpredictable circumstance. Though my stature may be lacking, I bear no insufficiency in brawn. The truly madcap nature belonging to me promotes unaided sufficiency. In instances wherein others speak ill, I am of an abhorred countenance. Due to the fact that yonder location bears the odor of a feline, I must say, good sir, “May a breachment of your unmentionable areas befall you!”.

    Do you have anything you wish to mention concerning me? Huzzah! Be free to profess it! Do not merely soliloquize, but take action! At all times, you bear resemblance to women of the evening, and I shall strike down upon you in a fashion more severe than the plant materials I set aflame. I am not one to partake in other substances. Perhaps I have lied, for I do partake in other substances now and again. Such substances include those that compel me to arrive at your gate and declare, “Good evening, and how are you this beautiful night?”. It is these very same substances that have at one point or another encouraged me to pick up arms, causing great alarm and frightened dismay, while yielding criea of, “No! This is very rude indeed!”.

    I find myself to be in full support of the production, harvesting, and utilization of plants- particularly those of the female cannabis variety. I am indisputably the most brazen of all. If you be a man of wagers, profit may be made in placing your fortune on the side of confidence in my smile’s ability to afflict others. My moments of absentmindedness, attributed to the hue of my hair, rival those of myth and legend, and my libatious celebrations are in every instance carried out to an extreme. I adore a good jest, and if you find that you do not share my love, than I must inquire- Why is it that you are on my page? I kindly request that you leave at once.

    I am a misogynist. I profess this title proudly because I am of the belief that they [women], in their entirety, are unwelcome purveyors of slander. There be not a single person I give credence to. When it comes to my avocations, I am of a mind to remain solitary, especially on roads. I despise dramatics, so if you be a playwright or actor, cease and desist when in my presence. You may disagree with my sentiments, but whether it be adoration in your heart, or malice, thoughts of me shall remain. You have my assurance that you shall not be the one to build me up or tear me down.

    I have profound affection for those who find they cannot show affection for me- for those people provide me with amusement, from the rising of the sun until it’s setting in the west. Fool me, you say? I shall fool with greater conviction. Sabotage my business arrangements? No! I will simply forget about the affair and handle business pursuits with more vigor. I think you will find that this ivory skinned lady is accommodating and accepting, and she’ll never be false to you. It would be in your best interest to contact me at once. Before you speak with me directly, perhaps some other means of communication may be employed, so you may learn what you can about me prior to meeting. You have my word of honor that I am of a negative demeanor, and memories of me shall not idly fall, whether they be fond or recalled with ill-regard. It is undisputed fact that in this world exists only one of me; a petite, young lady who’s sanity is questionable, yet who maintains the ability to leave one awestruck.

    This autobiographical work, begun in 1994 and completed in 2010, is under strict ownership of Kaely.

  54. ^dunno what to say about this one. tl;dr doesn’t begin to do that crap justice.

  55. but, fucking hell, crusty, old son!
    spot on.

  56. … (rubs eyes. looks again) … (sighs and moves on)

  57. Translation: “I do anal.”

  58. MsAnneThrope you are quite clearly a moron, so get off your high horse and stop comparing light hearted mockery to child abuse. The girl in question may have been 16 when she wrote this, (and i believe that’s old enough to know better) but she’s 18 now so technically there are not even any ‘children’ involved.
    Since you were so eager to accuse lamebook commenters of child abuse and didn’t even read the text itself you may not have noticed that the post is anonymous so I fail to see how anyone is being bullied.
    Pretty sure the FBI don’t give a shit so stop referring to these vague ‘laws’ to try and back up your trolling.

  59. Meet your new obsession, Kaely.
    Also know as Cunt, that’s my namesake. Unless it happens to be a phalas then please refrain from putting it in your mouth.
    Disregard what you may have heard and acknowledge what you see for I am currently single. I have a few issues but can confirm that I am neither transsexual or a hermaphrodite.
    You’re curios as to my attire, that is understandable, believe me that is now a stain or typo, this happens to be knock-off Gucci.
    I am principally haphazard and, despite my small stature, I am rather tough. Team player I am certainly not.
    I despise those who pontificate negatively about me, the putrid stench of Vagina, and that painted man yonder.
    I respectfully request that those who would like to discuss do so with decorum, remembering that actions speak louder than words.
    Those whom take up said offer could be deemed a lower class citizen whom I shall strike with a force equal to a cloud of decal smoke.
    Let me lay out a scenario:
    - I’m strongly opposed to any drugs other than “the chronic”
    - I retract my last point
    - I often answer the door with my firearm in situe, safety first
    - I’m a huge fan of Gordon Gecko
    - I’m terrible entertaining at parties
    - My smile just might be as contagious as my STD ridden body
    - I sometimes have lapses in common sense, these are well renowned
    - At most soiree’s I drink and drug to excess
    - I have a sense of humour and have no time for those who lack one
    - I’m some what of a misogynist and ever so slightly paranoid
    - I’m not one for drama and would prefer if people didn’t air their dirty laundry in public
    - Marmite, despite your point of view it make one ponder
    - I am fairly resilient and industrious
    - I’m friendly, approachable and memorable
    - You can’t have the rainbow without the rain
    - I am truly unique, spontaneous and sure to leave a lasting impression.

    I wrote this memoir in 2010, and am now 18. All rights reserved.

  60. So she wrote in when she was sixteen and technically a child. So? She’s eighteen now. I look back at the things I did when I was sixteen and I’d like to punch myself in the face, and I sure wouldn’t be able to defend it if people decided now to make fun of something I did then. Nobody is “cyberbullying” anyone, and there’s certainly no “abuse” going on. And if I had to guess, based solely on the name Kaely and this block of ridiculousness, I would bet that she is the kind of chick who went out of her way to make life, REAL life, absolutely miserable for the people in her school she deemed “losers” or “nerds” or “fat” or “ugly.” The type of people who are victimized and bullied for real don’t typically write this kind of drivel, but those who are so full of themselves and more than willing to do their best and go to extreme, cruel lengths to make others miserable sure as fuck do.

    Someone who is, or was, undoubtedly a bully for real doesn’t generate sympathy from me because some strangers she doesn’t and will never know made fun of her behind her back, in a way she’ll probably never even learn about, because she decided to broadcast to the entire internet world that she thinks she’s some tough hard bitch with a learning disability.

  61. Translation:

    Meet the biggest idiot on the street, Kaely.
    I’m a preschool dropout because I’m the dumbest fucking cunt on the block. I suck dick for crack and take it up the ass. I’m a worthless waste of air and should probably go play in traffic. I hope someone reads this realizing how stupid I am and ends my misery. I’ll never achieve anything other than helping doctors track every STD known to man and then some on a single person. I hate my life, and I won’t ever become anything more than a ghetto fabulous piece of shit worthless hoe who sucks dick for drugs. Please end me.

  62. Translation:

    I’m a stupid hoe, I’m a I’m a stupid hoe.

    That is all.

  63. Hi,I never went to school.

  64. #60;- just because you are involved in a crime, and declare yourself innocent, doesn’t change the fucking facts.
    so calm the fuck down. what you did was illegal. end of story. ignorance of the law is no defense in a court of law.

    why am I even wasting my fucking breath with you? you’re a fucking onion. a vegetable.

  65. “… I look back at the things I did when I was sixteen and I’d like to punch myself in the face, and I sure wouldn’t be able to defend it if people decided now to make fun of something I did then…
    —————————————————————

    I submit that you’re a fucking coward if you don’t come through on this, onionbreath.
    go on, I fucking dare you to put some testicles behind your bland-faced coward’s statement.
    then I can write a ‘funneh’ about how you should take it up the arse for pocket money.
    dude, it’ll be a fucking riot.

  66. who let msannthrope loose on the internet? what a fucking joke. takes one half-ass glance at the block of clusterfuck text and surmises Kaely is “obviously” black, gives a brilliant psychoanalytical diagnosis for Kaely’s disorder as being caused by “centuries” of racial profiling, suppression, and skin-color-based stereotyping, and then has this laughable, bloated and sadly misguided sense of authority with which he (she? it?) attempts to speak legalese and incite fear amongst the posters for “internet crimes against a child”.

    I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER

  67. ^ I refuse to read a full fucking paragraph that blatantly has no soul.

  68. Whore.

  69. I think red head is simply fucking burning.

    did anyone get a scalp count?

  70. We got any resident window lickers that can dribble on the inferno to help cool this mofo down?

  71. Hi,
    Please call me K-breezy as I do not like the name my parents chose for me. Please refrain from saying my name, disregard what you have heard and know what it is you are looking at. I am currently single, but that does not mean I have a problem finding a gentleman suitor. My wardrobe is impeccable. If you
    have an issue with me or my life choices, please let me know so we can have a conversation regarding the issue. If we are not able to come to a resolution I will not hesitate to use violence. I like to join my friends for some cocktails,
    but sometimes I drink excessively. I have a wonderful sense of humor but if you do not enjoy my particular brand of humor feel free to ignore my profile page. I do not take pleasure in being in the company of other women. In my opinion they are
    hypocritical and disingenuous. I have trust issues, so I do not involve myself in other individuals affairs and vice-versa. I consider myself a “street hustler” and I try to
    conduct myself as I believe a “street hustler” would, when dealing with associates, rivals, and anyone who may wish ill will upon me.
    Sincerely,
    K-breezy

  72. @Misannethrope
    I’m guessing you are quite young IRL. It would probably explain why your put downs are so bad. What Red Head said.

    “what you did was illegal. end of story. ignorance of the law is no defense in a court of law.”
    LMAO. this is the comments section of lamebook not a court of law.

  73. ^fuck off, you stupid scrote.
    I ignored you the first time because you’re not worth my time.
    you’re still not. so shut up now.

  74. She’s clearly singing out 99 Problems by Jay-Z and adding “swag” because it’s the hip word. She’s obviously just YOLOing, you guys..

  75. haha MsAnneThrope.. Scrote is a funny word.

  76. “I am Kaely. I am a whore. YOLOSWAG.”
    I may be paraphrasing, of course.

  77. ^your mother is a whore.
    ha, look at me – paraphrasing, too.

  78. This post gave me cancer.

  79. The long translations gave me old age.

  80. @MsAnneThrope If you’re so butt-hurt about this post, you should just do us a favor and delete your Lamebook account. It’s a site tailored to laughing at the things people put on Facebook.
    Otherwise, shut up.

  81. ^go fuck yourself, you stupid obese mongoloid.

  82. what a great thread, hey guys?!

    lots of thick-skulled knuckle-dragging heroes, hiding like cowards behind net anonymity, who think it is so terrifically amusing to slander and abuse a child.

    hope you’re all proud of yourselves. you should all be ‘neuthered’ (sic).

  83. Hi, my name is Kaely. I was going to tell a tale, disheartening at its most optimistic turns, filled with incest, neglect, oppression and prejudice; much to my dismay, my ShiFt kEy Is oN th3 fritz, So I LEaVe yOu W1tH thiS. THosE Wh0 kNow mE be$t WiLl be AbLe To INfer coMpLetEly mY inTeNti0ns.
    -Th3 baDDest BitCH KAely

  84. Lol. MsAnneThorpe, not only are you a hypocrite (you too have an anonymous account and are bitching at anyone who opposes you – maybe even other 16 year olds?), but you admitted to only glancing at the text, and then assumed this girl was colored by the way she wrote. Can I call you a racist too? I will. But I’m also going to pretend that you don’t exist because I’m fairly certain that you’re clinically insane.

  85. ^That’s a rather rash assumption to be making of a ‘nonymous misanthrope over the world wide web isn’t it faggy boy? Aren’t you worried someone might give you a virus? I hear that’s how people get them, you know, post’n stupid shit in a thread with other infected users. I’m not bitching at you, I’m just making sure you’re safe and protects yourself from cstd’s

  86. This is the daughter of that chick from Malibu’s Most Wanted!!! (The fat white one, you know Jamie Kennedy)

  87. Hi I’m Kaaely and I am bat shit crazy. I provided this informative profile in hopes that you know to avoid me at all costs and understand any interaction with me will result in frustration and disappointment. tootles

  88. Man, some of the shit that was posted here just makes my head fucking spin. And my comments were nothing compared to that which made it through, however, they are still awaiting moderation. That’s cuz I called out the a d m i n on responding. Too funny.
    F you all.

  89. … I could actually feel my brain matter dying as I read this.

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