Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Keepin’ It Complicated

previous post: Ready for Parenthood

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60 Comments

  1. Oh d-d-d-d-dear.

  2. Paint_my_nails_please

    Ashley and Christine — BFF?

  3. You still want someone to paint your nails?

  4. Wow, this is fucked up.

  5. lumpyspaceprincess

    What if she was just carrying it in her purse in case she had to cut open a mango or butter a bagel? I always have a knife on me for stuff like that.

  6. Cheshire makes it onto Lamebook…couldn’t have been any less funnier though

  7. Ha ha! Ashley’s ruined her life! Let’s all point and laugh!

    Thank gawd a’mitey straight people have the right to get married.

  8. you can facebook from jail?

  9. Oh God…please let these be fake…

  10. Umm… Ashley’s a male name…

  11. Umm… no it isn’t. Not unless he has cruel parents.

  12. Isn’t Ashley of the post a female? I want Ashley to be female. At least it makes it kind of interesting. If it’s a bloke, then I have nothing to say.

  13. Ashley is married to “mike” and they have kids, it’s safe to say Ashley is a girl.

  14. Umm… Ashley’s a male name if you’re a time-traveller from the 1950′s.

  15. Ashley is a male and female name. More commonly female, thankfully.

  16. To top it off, Ashley’s pregnant… I didn’t realize it was in poor form to search until AFTER I did it… I just felt really badly for her. Yeah, I’m a sucker…

  17. Of COURSE “jail f***ing sucks”… it’s JAIL!! Did she expect to find GOOD f***ing there?? It’s supposed to be punishment and a deterrent!

    If it was GOOD, then everyone would want to go there…

  18. Well then, Buns, the female Ashley of the post is one crazy bitch – so crazy in fact, that after all she’s allegedly done, she can pause for a Facebook to and fro.

    The world is on its head.

  19. Now how did you know you found the right Ashley, vb? It’s not exactly an uncommon name, nor is Samantha.

  20. There is a search engine… her post is there word for word.

  21. I found Ashely via ‘youropenbook.org’, and it looks like she updated her supplementary post to read:

    im fucked…i have cops everywhere lookin for me. i took mike truck to get away from him and the next thing i know i hit a tree and 4 cars one of which was a cop car. not to mention i ran someone over. god im so upset and scared i have to turn myself in but worry about my kids. mikes divorcing me. plus i still have that dv charge i have to deal with in sept. they r going for grand theft auto. property damage. leaving the scene of an accident. and causing great body harm with a vehicel. can u say totally fucked?!?!

  22. P.S. How ironic that in her info she writes this:

    Favourite Quotations:Live every day like it were your last.

  23. Yup, that’s the one… her photo didn’t quite match what I was expecting… but I tend to stereotype… my bad…

  24. Holy fuck, Ashely. Don’t go broadcasting that over Facebook. Personally, if I ran someone over and totaled 4 cars, Mexico would be the first place I’d run to. Not my computer.

  25. I’m glad Ashley took the time to write on facebook that she did all that. Now soon to be ex Mike will have plenty of evidence to show that she is an unfit parent and take the kids away. Good call!

  26. right now, all thats playing over in my head is “better get a lawyer son, better get a reaalll good one” !

  27. Has it occurred to you posters that you may be causing great emotional turmoil by ridiculing the male use of Ashley? It’s a common male name, at least common enough that there are about 5000 dudes out there now questioning their sexuality because of these comments.

    Signed,

    Ashley. Yes, the Ashley who just banged your wife. And yes, she enjoyed it. Thanks for asking.

  28. Ashley, Scarlett called from the 19th Century. She says she wants her Civil War back.

  29. Ashley is originally a boy’s name and evolved into more commonly a girl’s name in the last few decades. I’d far rather be a dude named Ashley than named Bufort or something really pussy like Toby.

  30. @ Onehandedjack
    Grow a pair, will you? You are very clearly not man enough for this comments page.

  31. @onehandedjack

    come on buddy, you know it’s not a common male name. It’s ok if you are named that…. it’s okay if you have your girlfriend wear a strap-on to ram you with. Can’t we all just get along????

  32. @WhyNotTheWhales
    I didn’t know there was a “man threshold” for the comments page and I’m sorry I don’t qualify. This weekend I plan a hearty camping and fishing exercise, aimed at improving my percentage.

    @sidneybunny,
    I’m not called Ashley, but I wont turn my nose up at the odd strap-on (see above-mentioned “man threshold” issue). We will get along just fine! I was just making a point. Perhaps too strongly hmmm…

  33. @onehandedashley

    atta boy! Glad to see you got your balls out of your wifes purse… all is well :)

  34. Bruce Campbell portrayed the badass Ash in Evil Dead, with his chainsaw hand an all that goodness. You know what Ash is short for? Ashley. So, there.

  35. Just when I thought Lamebook had stopped being funny, it hits me with 2 hilarious zingers in a row like this. My stomach hurts.

  36. What’s the big deal with the name Ashley for a guy, anyway? Someone up there said it. There’s much worse out there. Try Norm on for size, and get back to me.

    And Props for Brah referencing Evil Dead, the original, of course. Awesome.

  37. @word
    Nothing wrong with the name Ashley for a man. I just like to help men question their manhood and sexuality and worth, thats all. I didn’t mean any harm at all. Honest to goodness. :)

    @onehandedjackoff
    Sorry I’m new to lamebook (and being civilized), I was just having fun with you… I hope you are not out sucking on your tailpipe :|

  38. John Wayne was originally named Marion. I have male friends with names like Shelby, Christy, and Kelly. Granted, I’d fuck everyone of them, but that doesn’t mean that each of them is not all man.

  39. sidneybunny, honestly, no drama here. Actually, I help men question their manhood, sexuality, and worth all the time. It never has anything to do with their name, though.

    Most of them come up short on every count.

  40. The name Kelly. Absolute case in point when it comes to it being a predominately female name, but the best and hottest Kelly I know of is Kelly Slater.

    Now that’s a fucking manly, sexual, worthwhile man if there ever was one.

  41. “I hope you are not out sucking on your tailpipe”…

    No, no, not at all. I’m busy procrastinating at work, but don’t knock it till you’ve tried it:
    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2008/05/23/2008-05-23_man_whos_had_sex_with_1000_cars_gives_ne.html

  42. yaaaaaaaah so I really didn’t mean to tangle anyones underwear here. I guess no one noticed that I’m making fun of Ashley used as a male name when….. I’m female….. and my screen name is SidneyBunny… Sidney spelled the way it is most commonly used for males (instead of the female Sydney) …… No? nobody thought that was odd? hmm… ok :)

    @onehand
    I don’t believe that guy for a second….Come on 1000? Reminds me of the guy on Howard Stern that said he preferred to have sex with dolphins instead of humans….. not buying it. And if that guy really did have sex with that many cars than he is a raging whore in my book! Show some restraint buddy. :) )

  43. @Sid

    Yeah, with the “bunny” appending your name, I don’t think anyone was picturing you as the paragon of masculinity.

  44. Soup, I had a mental picture of a hairy trucker called Sidney dressed up as a Playboy bunny, way to go for dashing my dreams buddy.

  45. Paradroid, I’m sorry to say, but your dream was doomed from the start. Sidneys don’t drive trucks. You might get an accountant, or at best a psychiatrist.

    If it helps, I’m so hairy I’m pretty sure my mom banged a yeti at some point, and I used to drive a truck. Feel free to fantasize about the golden locks that pour out of my skimpy lingerie.

  46. Paradroid?

    Can you speak in a comedy German accent? Then, and only then will my fantasy be complete.

  47. I do enjoy this thread. It goes from batshit insane actual facebook story to man-whores, strap-ons, truckers, and banging a yeti, possibly a yeti in lingerie. I think there’s a Kool Keith song about that somewhere. Or if not, there should be.

  48. Ashley, hey, chin up, there there, It could be worse…

    no wait.

    you ARE pretty fucked.

  49. i was raped by a trucker once.

    it was after i’d moved to wisconsin from berlin, as a young german girl.
    it was a stiflingly hot summer in ’78, and i was working at a gas stop. when i went outside for a cigarette i had to be a long way from the gas, so i’d go and sit by the truck lot out back. this one time i saw something moving in one of the cabs, on closer inspection, i saw someone had left their baby yeti in the cab, and it was almost suffocating in the heat and seemed to be in some distress. i turned around to hail a passer-by for help, but a big hairy arm covered my mouth and bundled me into the cab.

    it’s too hard to talk about the rest. i hummed ‘deutschland deutschland über alles’ quietly to myself the whole time from the moment he peeled off my dress to try and block out the ordeal. i can’t hear that song now without breaking down. which means i can’t go to oktoberfest or watch the olympics (two of my favorite things).

    i heard this guy went on using the yeti trick through the whole mid-west with plenty of other girls before he got caught. i just sometimes wonder, ‘why me?’ but i’m trying to rebuild my life. i’ve set up a bat sanctuary, moved away to oklahoma, and i make a good living harvesting and selling batshit on the side.

  50. alo, I would have believed your story 100% but your reference to a “gas stop” gave you away. Maybe you are confusing this experience with something that happened in Canada, eh?

  51. i don’t ask for belief, just a little understanding, walter. it’s been a hard life.

    now if you’ll excuse me, i’m literally up to my knees in batshit – every hour you leave it after it’s been pooped knocks a dollar off the market price, so i have to get scooping! batshit has to be fresh, you see – the fresher the better.

  52. Are PA and Soup going to bang?

    @Alord
    I thought you were a dude? I remember somewhere you wanting some other dude to give you bj-er. Sweet story though

  53. also re your quibble #50, i can clear that up.

    as a (now not so young) german woman, i’ve always still after all these years, so you say, struggled to have had the perfect grasp on an english language, you see.

  54. The posts around Ryan’s totally upstage his, but I love his attempt to “save” himself with the follow-up comment.

  55. alord, come clean. You’re a hermy, aren’t you?

  56. I , sure as shit, hope so!!!!!!!!!!!!

  57. i’d be spoilt for choice.

  58. Latest drama update from Ashley (yeah, they could base a tv story on this one!)

    wow mike go fuck urself. u wanna pick that skank bitch over ur pregnant wife?!?! wutever then have that nasty OLD ass bitch. dont try to come crawlin back like always cause this time i wont take u. I WANT A FUCKIN DIVORCE!!!

    bwhahaha, as if mike was really going to continue on with a pyscopath about to go to jail !

  59. I’ve been searching for Ashley on that openbook site, using lines provided from smartie, and still no hits. What’s the trick?

  60. What’s the legal difference between Assault and Battery in America?

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