Friday, January 14, 2011

Give ‘em a Hand

previous post: To the Point…

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112 Comments

  1. STEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER?
    FTW!!!

  2. fuck this shit

  3. These “jokes” about being “in a relationship with your left/right hand” are getting old. They were never really funny in the first place. Why not just rename Lamebook to Retardedbook?

  4. Lamebook, you’re seriously not going to leave this pile of shit here as your last offering to the weekend visitors of this site, are you?

  5. I’m with word….this really cannot be your weekend offerings. This is old and tired…c’mon lamebook.

  6. well, that’s disappointing.

  7. this is doubly shit, because it pushed pep’s soon-to-be-epic higher education wankathon onto page 2. how are we supposed to start a discussion on this?

    fun fact: i tend to use my left hand, despite being right-handed. though when i’m giving someone a reach-around i use my right. weird, huh?

  8. BOOOORRRRIIINNGGGG

  9. well because this is boring i have two questions.. first- what’s a reach around? (i’m scared to google and my partner keeps laughing at me..) and second, what is a good sexual surprise compared to a bad one?

  10. hpcan, a reach around is when you’re doing a man from behind and you reach around to assist him simultaneously.

    as for a good and bad sexual surprise – i would say that depends on taste. the cruising scene tends to be full of surprises, with all the abandoned public toilets, dark woodland areas and subterfuge involved. the bad surprises tend to involve the police, or people trying to empty their bowels on you.

  11. @hpcan use urban dictionary when ever you’re unsure if it’s google safe.

  12. That’s not funny. That’s why my family never gave me a younger brother.

  13. @word just ask them for something controversial. Worked for me last week.

  14. Long time watcher, short time contributor, but urgh.

  15. I’m in a relationship with Lamebook and it’s complicated.

  16. .. you don’t know ‘complicated’

  17. hpcan, the way vincent is describing the reach around there may lead you to assume he’s referring only to homosexual men. It can also apply to heterosexuals. Think strap-on.

    I’ll get back to you later on your second question.

    curly, history may sometimes repeat itself, but not today.

  18. Jonathon’s relationship is complicated because his girl just won’t support his Cosmo subscription and extensive Lady Gaga collection.

  19. I hope the gays don’t try to claim GaGa like they did Cher.

  20. word, a guy getting fucked with a strap-on whilst being given a reach around sounds pretty gay to me. i would say the straight equivalent is when a guy reaches around to give the girl a strum during doggystyle, although to me that just sounds impractical.

    mass, lady gaga was a gay icon before she was popular. it’s her core fanbase (along with 13 year girls). i’m not sure how that would affect your enjoyment of her music though, do elaborate.

  21. Me too #14, me too :)

  22. It won’t, vincent.

    Do you have a disco stick? I just don’t know what they are ..

  23. it’s that disappointingly stumpy appendage next to your gnarly misshapen balls. you know, the thing that you desperately want to insert into strangers on the internet, but probably never will.

    mine is fabulous though, thanks for asking. throbbing, veiny and covered in glitter.

  24. ‘throbbing’ .. probably because you were addressing me, or it’s infected again.

  25. maybe the lamebook people…because we cant say 4dm!ns….were too busy yesterday to find something decent….although i submit some good stuff here a lot and it never gets on…

  26. Ahh, vinnie, everything is gay to you, isn’t it? (or I’m sure you wish that were the case). Just because a guy likes his girl to give him the occasional “driving lesson”, it does not maketh him gay (but I’m sure you wish that were the case). But I will give you props for your hetero example.

    Oh, and, hpcan, I’m still thinking. I’m not sure I could come up with an example of a bad sexual surprise worse than the one vinnie described. Surprising, though, I would’ve thought he’d be into that shit.

  27. lol… driving lessons! it will be interesting to see if mass and walter cool their interest now that they realise what they’re auditioning for.

    i’m still not convinced. there doesn’t seem to be anything heterosexual about taking it up the jacksie. in the position i’m thinking of, the guy can’t see or touch the girl, which just leaves the sensation of a big shiny disco stick in the anus. that’s pretty gay in my book.

  28. eww

  29. Hey word!

    vincent, loved your use of the word ‘strum’ earlier and ‘jacksie’ is also a good one. OK, truce over.

  30. i didn’t realise we were even in a fight, mass. i thought i was your GBF!

  31. Is that ‘gay best friend’?

    .. you are, but it ends there ‘K.

  32. There’s more than one position that would allow for said touching, vincent, and as an openly gay man, you should know this. Think outside the box. But I digress, as I’m no longer referring to a reach around situation. So we shall agree to disagree, as an ongoing to and fro with you is fruitless, hey, fruit?

    Gidday, mass. I liked his use of “strum”, as well. He’s got some great words stored in his arsenal, that’s for sure.

  33. I kinda figured he stored them there.

  34. au contraire, wordpervert, i would rather you continued to elaborate. are you suggesting that a girl fucking her boyfriend in a missionary position is somehow less gay? or would you have the guy riding on top? it all sounds outrageous to me, and not in a bad way. it sounds like the kind of socially sanctioned sexual activity that i might even enjoy!

  35. Well, with all this crass imagery I have decided to hit the Hideaway Lounge, clear my head. Maybe get a bj in the VIP room or something…

  36. There you go, vinnie! You worked it all out without me having to explain things any further. I knew you had it in you, fella. And I also knew it might sound like your idea of a good time. Wins all round.

    mass, well have fun. And by the sounds of it, I think it’s safe to assume that ain’t a gay bar.

  37. If gay bars have hot naked dancing girls, yes.

  38. did you people get initiated by throwing a pizza party? is that how you get props around here? or do you have to just speak in perfect english and pretend to care about the economy in relation to lamebook posts?

  39. @38
    As I understand it, and this makes sense considering our current dire economic straits, you can either go the perfect use of a plethora of vocabulary in relation to our economy. Or you can just go ahead and spend the forty bucks on the pizza party for the current lamebook elite….but I’ll be damned if they’re eating pizza on my dime….espescially with the interest rates in the pizza market so high right now…

  40. @zebras .. go strum your jacksie.

    Kidding, man …props!

  41. go strum my jacksie?
    i was on the verge of urbandictionarying what you’re trying to get at…but then i just didn’t. partially ’cause i don’t care, and partially ’cause you’re obviously trying to be a jackass.

  42. @38 to be fair, wouldn’t you agree that part of the reason we frequent lamebook (specifically the comments) would be to muse some of the comedic gems that these “lamebook elite” have to offer??? just sayin’.
    (aaah finally, a comment feed a girl can rub one out to…the tensionnnnmmmnmmnmmmm)

  43. haha ^

  44. Word I get Vince’s point. I’d be scared if my boyfriend liked taking it up the ass. What if he got sick of the synthetic material and wanted something a little more… ‘organic?’

    #38 “speak in perfect english” – I lol’d at that :)

  45. saff, I understand your concerns. But truth be told, I’ve never even been near a strap-on, let alone be involved with someone who wanted something like that (sorry to disappoint, guys). My whole point was about getting vinnie to open his mind, not just his behind.

  46. I have asked my wife to slip a finger in but she refuses to do it. She says that she’s worried she will never be able look at me in the same way again, whatever that means. I think she just doesn’t want to get her nails dirty, the selfish bitch. It’s ok though, I know where she keeps her toys.

  47. …and the perennially unfunny walter kills another thread with an awkward anecdote from his loveless marriage.

    zebra – there are many different ways of getting props on here. walter goes for the vulture method – he feeds on the scraps left behind by wittier and more interesting people. occasionally, in a desperate cry for help, he’ll post his email address in the vain hope of human contact.

    needless to say, this method doesn’t actually garner much in the way of props. you’d be better off trying the wordpervert method: just get everyone to believe you’re a hot female nurse. you’ll be top of the pile in no time at all, even if you are actually a 400lb truck driver called bill.

  48. So, today, I was trying to get into my nurse’s uniform, and wouldn’t you know it? My firm, succulent DD tits spilled out of the top.. buttons went flying at terminal velocity! Maybe I’ll get the props I deserve here on Lamebook….

  49. thanks for that vincent. that was good.

    I was starting to wonder how many times you were going to repetitively use the baseless “semi-literate moron/dullard/etc” insult, with the combo “boring/you-have-nothing-to-offer”, but I’m glad you added the little wife bit.

    Please avoid the logic arguments in the future. You clearly lack the ability to express your dizzying logic and in a clear and concise way. You might want to consider busting out your thesaurus and telling us about your feelings. That’s always entertaining.

    Oh and by the way, I’m not actually married, just like you’re not actually gay.

  50. walter, i can only work with what is set before me. trying to come up with fresh, creative insults on the basis of a few sentences of turgid text can be like drawing blood from a stone.

    i’m always grateful when people provide a little bit of a background on their character, it really helps. i get fed up of calling everyone a semi-literate dullard all the time, but it is a useful blanket term that seems to apply to most of my adversaries.

    i’m intrigued that you decided to break the fourth wall at the end there. so you are in fact even more desperate and lonely than previously assumed – sorry to hear that not even your imaginary spouse is willing to put her finger up your bum! i’m not sure what that has to with my sexuality though. perhaps i don’t conform to your preferred media stereotypes of the limp-wristed, effeminate fag. do elaborate.

    as for the logic, it is unfortunate that the majority of lamebookers lack the ability to understand some of my more complex thought processes. i understand that it is easier to call me illogical than to admit your own cognitive limitations. i’m more than happy to let that one go, as in any case i would be quite willing to sacrifice sound logic for a good fat joke.

  51. Will you settle for a mediocre fat joke?

  52. The Salmon Mousse

    Illogical, perhaps. I’d probably go for narcissistic though.

  53. “i’m always grateful when people provide a little bit of a background on their character, it really helps. i get fed up of calling everyone a semi-literate dullard all the time,”

    So true. I used to respect vincent too much to insult him with any real grit until he let out his inferiority complex caused by working in retail, a fate which he blames on the educational system of his nation, because he couldn’t “beat the system.”

  54. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.”
    The other one says “So are you, you fat pig!”

  55. retail? i wish. i actually work on a building site, dressed like the construction worker guy from the village people. instead of wolf-whistling at passing girls, i quote lyric poetry at them, whilst cursing my lack of intellectual fulfillment and my lifetime of missed opportunities.

    then i come across smug, conceited would-be academics such as pep, and i thank god that i don’t have to spend my days listening to people like him going on about how great they are.

    then i load up the hod with mortar, flex for the ladies, and climb up the scaffolding humming ‘fire island’ under my breath. it’s the life, trust me.

  56. Any joke with ‘blokes’ in it is a good one, Jonjones.

  57. What’s happened here? Damn you lot. Why do so many threads have to descend into a slanging match? We were having fun, vincent, and you had to go and get nasty (again). You can’t help yourself, can you? Now don’t go blaming Walter for it. I’m with his “wife” – no girl wants her manicure ruined. But you were then compelled to go into prick mode once more, and bring me into it, as well.

    If this is how you want to get your (cheap) thrills, buddy, then carry right on. I’m not interested. Anyway, I’ve got a truck to wash.

  58. Hey Bill ….looking good!!

  59. sorry miss, walter started it!

  60. Thanks mass, I was beginning to feel unappreciated.

  61. That was at 56 not 58 By the way, Unless you were referring to me….in which case, two thanks are in order.

  62. Hey, Jonjones .. ever hear the one about the two gay blokes walking down the street and they see a dog licking it’s nuts?

  63. … the one bloke says to the other ” I wish I could do that”

  64. to which the other bloke replies ” you should probably pet him for a while first”

  65. Pep @ #53 I second that. I’ve also lost a little bit of respect for our vinny. Pity, I was all for keeping him when he was a new stray.

    “Flex for the ladies,” Vince? I thought you were gay.

  66. I thought vincent #55, paragraphs 1 and 3 were hilarious. Sarcastic too, Saffer.

  67. I had not heard that one mass, I shall be sure to take credit for it at some point in the future…probably on this website.

  68. I’m here all week … try the buffet!

  69. saffer, i think that’s a little unfair. if anything, i’ve made an effort to be more playful and lighthearted in my comments recently. why, i even joined in with mass and word’s sex banter, in this very thread!

    i noticed your prophetic warning that the end is nigh for lamebook on another page. who are all these brilliantly witty comedians who were here in the good old days of yore? i used to read the comments section long before i started commenting, and i don’t remember anyone that special. there was a poster called sensible madness who used to translate ghetto speak, that was pretty good. and a chap called lord something or other who would raise a chuckle every now again. but that’s about it.

    anyway, do enlighten us as to who these dearly departed comic geniuses were, let us indulge in a final moment of nostalgia before the apocalypse sets in. perhaps some of them are still lingering in the ether, and may yet heed your anguished cries.

  70. I hate it when it goes over my head, thanks mass, I missed that one. I’ll just head over to the buffett table

  71. … and I didn’t lose respect for you because of your occupation, Vinny, just so you know. Not that you care, and neither do I really, it’s just been indoctrinated in me to try and be polite- even to faceless web lurkers.

  72. I’m sorry Vincent. I’ll start prefacing all of my comments with a full bio, so that you have some ammunition.

    The reality is that I have given out numerous nuggets of personal information. The fact that you continuously fail to pick up on them is telling. As is the way you jump all over any bit of misdirection. I’m more than a little disappointed that you haven’t yet said anything that bothers me.

    But you are right that I have picked on you a little bit. I hope you take my criticism as constructive. There are some things you do well and some things you do poorly. If you would like any editorial advice in the future, (I’m specifically talking about expressing yourself in a clear, concise, and logical manner here) you know how to contact me.

  73. “The fact that you continuously fail to pick up on them is telling”

    …of what exactly? that you care a lot more about me than i do about you?

    anyway, i appreciate your kind offer. if i ever need a mediocre yet earnest gofer to do my menial work for me, i’ll drop you a line. perhaps you could do my taxes for me or something. also, let me know if you ever need any witty or original comic material to help you with the ladies. i’m sure you could go a long way with my cast-off quips.

  74. vincent, where on this thread has there been any sexual bantering between myself and mass? The only sexual bantering (as you put it) that went on here was between you and I.

    Also, it’s quite interesting; out of all the former comedic? Lamebookers we’ve had, you mentioned alord. I don’t know what, but that says something to me…

  75. My favourite has always been Soup, vincent. You weren’t around when I first started reading the comments, but Soup used to provide some real gems. I remember thinking that boy must spend hours constructing his comments. They were delicious.

    Sensible was good, but I don’t think you would got along with alord. You both display a distinct lack of confidence and need for acceptance and you overcompensate with a pretentious claim to intellectual superiority. You two would have clashed terribly, like you did that one time with your intellectually masturbatory philosophical discussions. Don’t you remember?

  76. Bam! intellectual slaaam. No coming back from that, all you can do is go apply at mcdonalds and live out a mediocre life with your 6 children in the double-wide.

  77. …my favorite has always been Keona.

  78. She was a funny bloke.

  79. Look Vincent, I come to lamebook to act stupid. You come to act smart. When we talk to each other, we both fail. I will not be addressing you any further and I’d appreciate the same from you.

    Go ahead and have the last word…

  80. amen

  81. oh, and I do think vincent is alord, it was like a ‘moment of clarity’ ..moments ago, wish you all could have been here.

  82. walter, i’m fairly sure that was mad2physicist with the philosophical discussion. wonder what happened to that little guy, he was always fun to play with.

    i do remember soup et al coming up with a few great one-liners, but that sort of repartee would inevitably descend into quasi-flirtatious in-joke territory, which i find a bit tedious. as you well know, i prefer it when it gets a bit more edgy. a nice big juicy fight is much more inclusive, everyone can join in.

    word, you’re right. it was a special, sexy time between the two of us, and i will treasure it as such. although i must admit when i closed my eyes, i was imagining big bill at the controls.

  83. Of course.

  84. Oh, one more thing. This will most likely be the last time I address you as well, vincent, seeing as though you’ve decided in recent times to be quite the asshole toward me…

    I find it interesting you didn’t ask me to elaborate on what I may have been alluding to in the second paragraph of my comment #74. I will now, though. I remember the very first thread you materialised. It also happened to be the very same thread that alord made his last comments on LB. I liked you, and I said that – on that same thread. I said I liked you because you reminded me a lot of him. I’m sure you remember that.

    Anyway, what I’m saying is I’ve always thought you were him, and I’ve never wavered from that thought. You can choose to respond or not. I’m just putting it out there. There. Said it. Done.

  85. Poor boy.

  86. if you could be any fruit out of all fruits what fruit would you be?

  87. good question.

  88. on a slightly different but related note: Was it you, vincent, who said positive things about Martin Heidegger in that phil. discussion once or mad2?

    It’s not prejudice, people are right to call Heidegger a vapid douche wanker who isn’t saying anything deep: he’s the worst example of an uber-rationalist whose phenomenology nonsense cares nothing about empirical data. The motherfucker abandoned his own phil. project, so we still have morons who quote “Sein und Zeit” primarily because they didn’t read to the end of it.

    Sartre, who somebody also defended, is even worse: he’s seriously the prototype of modern spoiled brat princess bitches from the suburbs who take pride in caring more about their own feelings for attaching themselves to causes than the actual causes (I’m a moral agent ’cause I’m an ACTIVIST, heehee…) Really, though, Camus was a badass who blew that cuntbag out of the water.

    You want more tidbits to make insult hay, vinny? My actual specialty within hist. is euro. intellectual history (seriously, history of philosophy, ideas, religion/theology, whatever was the dominant form of making long-ass treatises at the time, etc. and yeah, it is the most pretentiously named field in all of history)

    In other words: My favorite philosopher’s dick is bigger than your’s.

  89. Oh, in case I wasn’t being clear enough: I routinely masturbate while looking at pictures of David Hume and invested a good deal of my self-esteem in that comment right there. If you act put-off I *will* cry for weeks and I find your comments to vinny deeply offensive, Walter.

  90. @zebras … I didn’t fully appreciate your Illuminati joke the other day… I was being a jack-ass, sorry.

    lol

  91. Dayum, this is more like dramabook with all your personal issues with each other.

    Back on track, I always thought a “reach around” was just a lady behind the guy reach around to pleasure him. I didn’t realize there was other stuff happening. So glad I didn’t try to impress someone by saying this.

    OK back to the Vincent and Walter show.

  92. it’s that time of the weekend when things get a bit silly again. first walter and wordpervert get all sulky and decide they never want to talk to me again, then word and mass think they have unmasked my secret identity, and now pep has unleashed a brief history of european thought in ghettospeak in my direction. now, i do like to stir things up on a lamebook weekend, but this is too much even for me!

    i never found walter’s conversation to be particularly stimulating anyway, so that’s no great loss. word on the other hand i’ve always had a soft spot for, ever since she stuck up for me during my torrid early days on the site. i’m not sure why she’s turning her back on me now, maybe because i said she was a fat male trucker? it was a joke, for heavens sake. fwends?

    for what it’s worth (probably not a lot), i really am not alord. it was a name that popped into my head from when i was a lurker, i remember laughing at some of his comments. i have never registered another account, and i have never posted under another name other than this one.

    pep – another time, buddy. i’m too tired. i will say this though: those who are so quick to dismiss heidegger will have generally read the macquarrie translation, which can cause a lot of confusion and misunderstanding of the author’s original intention. i don’t doubt that you know your stuff. but maybe lets save the dick-measuring for next weekend, don’t think anyone’s in the mood for it right now!

  93. true dat, we can cross swords another time. For now, let’s let the people who *obviously* don’t have confidence issues show it by keeping the conversation on sandwiches, the weather, and what one has had for lunch and where.

    à la prochaine…

  94. gute Nacht ..

  95. vincent, are you a ginger?

  96. Vince #69 (I just saw your comment) There’s no prophecy, and neither is the “end nigh.” I just said it’s the climax of the LB dark ages: They started in the MEGarian era, heightened in the banana-sucking monologues, and have reached a peak with this nerds weekend get-a-way that’s currently going on. It’s almost over, I can wait it out… *fromage anyone?*

  97. I just read this whole post. some of you had more time than I do I see.

  98. Fucking hell fire, that was riveting. Death by pomposity.

    vincent =/= alordslums n’est-ce pas?

    Yours
    A Pleb

  99. I once had a girlfriend who had a hand… I sloshed a load right up her nose until she sneezed proto-human juice.

    You set of cunts, all that talk and not one mention of my own brand of subtle humour and rapier like wit… My desperate need to be accepted will never be fulfilled here it seems… Well you can all just go arse punch each other.

    If I had any feelings they’d be pretty hurt right now.

  100. saffer, if you’re so concerned about the quality of the facebook comments, perhaps you might want to contribute something with a bit more content than that glib analysis.

    you do make me wonder if this mythical era of great comedians on lamebook ever really existed. as i recall, most of you just sat around giggling sycophantically at the occasional decent joke, followed by hours of tiresome and crass innuendo. still, at least they didn’t use big scary words, right?

    ah, the good old days.

    zebras – no, i’m not ginger. i hope that was a genuine question, and that you weren’t trying to be funny.

  101. lamebook, even. not facebook.

  102. C’mon Gentlemen, let us settle this with honour.

    If everybody inserts a lollipop stick into their Japs eye we can stage a series of cock swordfights. Last man ‘standing’ wins.

    I already have my stick in and it’s starting to itch, so if you could all hurry up please?

  103. you guys… it warms my heart to read you!
    C’mon, kiss and make up.
    NOW!

    PS : Lamebook, see what happens when you post something extra crappy?

  104. well shit, you guys were no help… well except vincent.. and blondebimbo..

    i’m still not sure if i should stick a finger up my partners bum or not… maybe i’ll get him drunk first… i guess i can always resort to blumpkins when all else fails.

  105. i’m not trying to be funny. i just simply asked you because in my head, i picture you as an orange. as in the fruit.
    and since NO one has responded to my question regarding fruits, i thought i’d try to figure it out for myself.
    i mean cmon… i’m all for being a prissy bitch a lot (most) of the time, but sometimes you just gotta answer these questions so people know what you’re all about.

    so… would you agree you’re like an orange… or do you have another way around this issue?

  106. Zebras, totally missed your question (kind of glazed over by that point) – I’m going with a pineapple.

  107. Peach.

  108. zebras, i’ll be a pomelo in that case. not to be wilfully obscure, but i just think they’re delicious and interesting.

  109. Damn! I wish I were something exotic… I’m probably more of a cantaloup

  110. I love cantaloup.

  111. I love you too, Walter

  112. I hate to jump in the middle of multiple conversations; just wanted a moment to say that, that Charlie in the post (felt I should remind everyone, since the conversations have ventured far from the status update :P ) is me. At least, I think it’s me. I vaguely remember saying it. There’ a chance it’s not me, but it sounds like a douchy comment that I would make.
    Anyway, that’s all I’ll say, except to woefully agree, it’s not a very riveting post. Kind of dull compared to some of the other things I’ve come across on lamebook.

    Oh and @Zebra: guava.

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