Thursday, July 8, 2010

Dylan’s Vision

previous post: Pair Problems

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139 Comments

  1. STEVER!

  2. This kid think’s he’s Chuck Norris. I want an America without Dylan.

  3. Toadette is the winner

    …wow. The Kool-Aid one made me giggle though. “OH YEAH!” Other than that…just wow.

  4. World War Hulk FTW.

  5. I want an America where Dylan is Frodo and has no pool.

  6. Dan_Fargis is going to dream of this post and nocturnally emit all over his sheets. You know, so God makes him cum instead of his own sinful hand.

  7. bollywood_rocks83

    This is so funny, The fact that he sat there thinking up all these analogies makes me like him.Plus people who own Jeeps are automatically cool in my book.

    On a more serious note, isn’t America almost like this esp. with the UN thing? She’s still the only country that hasn’t signed the Kyoto protocol among other UN resolutions(like that cap on emissions thing).

  8. i want an america run by fargis!

    oh, wait, that already happened for 8 years in the noughties…. :-/

  9. Dylan, What a Wanker!!!

  10. I want an America where morons like Dylan shut the fuck up and stop making us all look bad.

  11. Although yes, It is true that we have not signed the Kyoto Protocol. We were supposed to and then good old George W. pulled out.

  12. This kid is joking right? If not he should be made to eat his own shite. Dylan, please stay in America…in fact just stay in your truck with Britney and never, ever venture out.

  13. Oh god no. Idiot

  14. Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Cuervo and Pedron? A true ‘merican would name his Jeeps after bourbons, not tequilas.

  15. I guess his 2000 Wrangler’s name was a tribute to his garden keeper, Pedron, his ever first love…

  16. @14

    i have not-so-english nicknames for my nipples.

    they’re called chastity, lafondra and jayson.

  17. porkpie – That would actually be a bad idea because if he and his girlfriend were confined to his truck then they’d have nothing to do but make lots of little Dylans. Dumbasses like him are not very good at birth control.

    I think exile is a much better course of action.

  18. Hahahaha Alord, I bow for u.
    made me choke

  19. I hate when jackasses like Dylan are paraded around to look like the norm in America. Good god, what a tool!

  20. bollywood_rocks83

    Where would we send him? I’m sure most countries after reading that will pay us to keep him.

  21. I want an America without douchebags like Dylan.

  22. Dylan can check a few of these off already, no?

  23. I’m not 100% certain, but I do believe he may have been taking the piss.
    Irony and sarcasm tend to be lost in text.

  24. Also, I laughed.

  25. I have a dream, that this simple minded miscreant doe indeed gain acceptance to the army. That the army in it’s infinate wisdome packs him off to a country with sand, muslim targets and big manly JEEPs. That he is lightly injured by a IED while the rest of his squad including his gay lover (don’t ask don’t tell) are turned into hamburger. That he is captured and tortured daily by a big guy with a bigger beard named mohummad who has a thing for seeing the ivory glint of bone peeking thru the skin. That very last thing he sees is the destruction of his country by far right republican dipshits like himself.
    too much?

  26. alord may i ask where is your third nipple located?

  27. i can’t believe people take internet postings like this one “for cereal”

  28. @ schiuma – i never kiss and tell

    @ shipoopi – excelsior!

  29. Haha, the Kool Aid one totally reminded me of that episode of Family Guy! “Peter Griffen I’m sentencing you to 24 months in prison” “Oh no” “Oh no” …… “Oh Yeah!”

  30. I love this guy. The rest of you could use a refresher in comedy.

  31. I’m from Spain; I live in a town with a major US Navy and Air Force presence. As much as I try to remind myself that Americans like Dylan are the exception and not the rule, I have, unfortunately, met far too many over the years who talk just like that. *sigh*

  32. Isn’t it the Marines who say hooah!, not the Army?

  33. Plans involving ‘a girl’??? Poor Britney :(

  34. BeautifullyDizzy

    I have to say, the dude’s grammar is pretty good….. it’s just too bad that he’s such a douche.

  35. Dylan’s funny. I like him.

  36. Army says Hooah, too.

    And yes, though this may be sarcasm, and I hope to God it is, these types do exist.

    When I took the ASVAB, I met a kid wanting to join the Marines to, and I quote, “Kill me some rag heads”. Needless to say, he ended up getting a 29 on the ASVAB, which was *barely* enough to pass (he had failed on his 2 previous attempts).

  37. Army = Hooah
    USMC = Ooh rah

    Hell I like Dylan. At least he loves his country unlike a lot of these pathetic little shithead kids who claim to hate America, but hide behind its freedoms and don’t have the guts to leave.

  38. I am pretty sure that is sarcasm, surely no one can be that much of a dick for real!

  39. i dint get this. nufin funny bout it.

  40. CommentsAtLarge

    Yep, that’s what we want, America to become that cousin who doesn’t get invited to the family parties anymore.

    I must say I’m surprised at the names for his Jeeps – I would have expected something more along the lines of “Miller” and “Natty Ice.”

  41. In other news, Dylan has been offered his own primetime TV show on Fox News.

  42. Oh my hell the Wiccan one made me laugh so hard… That WOULD be funny! REALLY funny! I like that guys sense of humour!

  43. While, as a man of peace, I in no way condone Dylan’s “kill everyone and everything routine I do agree with him in 2 places:

    1. Global warming is obvious bunk. Doesn’t anyone remember the blizzards in Washington DC this winter? Record snowfalls everywhere. It’s a hoax used to funnel money into liberal elitist colleges and think tanks, as well as put the treehuggers into power.

    2. America needs to return itself to its previous stature, when we were the best country in the world. The only way to do that is to go back to the Christian roots of this country and instill a renewed sense of faith in her citizens. If the public school systems of this country continue to propagate liberal lies (e.g. evolution, global warming) and de-emphasize faith (e.g. taking prayer out of school), then we as citizens have no choice but to turn to private learning institutions and (preferably) home schooling.

  44. Tyler, loving America has nothing to do with wanting to destroy any and every thing that is not America/American. I love America, but I also respect other countries.

    Though, if everyone who makes the statement, “If [insert random politician here] is elected, I’m moving to Canada” actually *did* move to Canada, we’d only have about 15 people left here.

  45. PS Canada, apparently Americans consider you to be second best only to ourselves, so… congrats on that.

  46. Wow dan… is Dylan your son? Are you Ben? Is Dylan Ben’s son?

  47. I want an America free of idiots like this kid.

  48. I really hope this is all a joke, because it is hilarious. Forcefully converting everyone to Wiccan was a personal favourite. Well played Dylan.

  49. @14 Bourbon? No sir, for this fellow beer would make much more sense.

  50. i’ve kept this in long enough, but i can’t keep swallowing my tongue.

    for the last week or two dan has been messaging me (he managed to get hold of my email address through my url link), and you wouldn’t believe the kind of smut this guy has been sending me.

    whilst his posts portray him as a right-wing absolutist with a strict sense of proper morality, the stuff he’s been sending me show an altogether darker side to his personality.

    i don’t want to go into detail about the content of his messages – i wouldn’t want to besmirch these good-natured forums with his unseemly language – but suffice to say, just about every morally questionable practice imaginable has been mentioned by him in his missives over the past couple of weeks.

    hopefully now people can understand if i’ve been prone to being a bit splenetic and ill-humoured whenever he’s reared his head on these boards.

    dan, please stop now. i’m not easily offended, but you’re really starting to go beyond the pale – my friends have to use that email address too.

  51. Dylan, you had me going… not. I like it a lot.

  52. And now I like alord’s #50 comment more than the post.

  53. @alordslums that made me laugh alot

  54. Dawn of the Dan

    Dylan is obviously a liberal making fun of the typical Glenn Beck viewer. Funny stuff, I applaud it.

  55. I call cut & paste. There’s no way a kid like Dylan fits a word like “contiguous” into his normal writing vocabulary. Someone find out where he got this dribble from. Start with Rush Limbaugh.

  56. hey word.

    glad to know i have your sympathy. :)

  57. @alordslums – That’s amusing, obviously untrue, but amusing. :)

  58. it’s no laughing matter though – i hope he packs it in.

  59. dan, i’m prepared to be gentlemanly about all this if you just leave it here.

    do i have your word that you’ll stop sending me those messages?

  60. Hi alord, and I think you know I’ve been with you on the dan thing.

  61. i showed word some of dan’s emails, and i hope she’ll allow me to speak for her in saying that she found them, quite frankly, disgusting. and word’s got pretty good sea-legs…

  62. True that. dan, you’re a dirty little man.

  63. I think this guy’s grammar is too god for him to be that ignorant. I mean… although these analogies are quite disgusting, they are funny in a way because it’s kinda how America treats foreign policy. Which means this guy knows his shit, or else he’s be like:

    “america fuck ya!!!1 die dirty arabian dipshit LOL… IMMA GONNA KILL ME SUM PALESTINIANS”

    Instead of listing a bunch of analogies that kinda apply to the system with much dark humor. I mean usually the kind of Americans that are Republican Conservative don’t think these things up, they mostly just justify themselves through God or something.

    So yeah… I think this is probably taken out of context and the person has a very dark and awesome sense of humor.

  64. alord, not defending him by any means, but how do you know for sure it’s actually dan sending you the emails and not some other lamebooker pretending to be him?

  65. @ alordslums Considering the subject matters that come up on lamebook, you saying you won’t put what he’s said on the forum either means you’re making it up or it is VERY bad. Because it does get quite gruesome in these comments sections usually.

  66. Hey Dylan! You already have the America you want.

  67. @ivy – alord is not getting any emails from me. He is trying to annoy me into saying something impious. Unfortunately for him, I find his babble to be amusing more than anything. Let us remember Exodus 23:1 – Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.

    @alordslums – if indeed someone is sending you pornography, I suggest you contact the ISP or domain owner. I believe (although I could be mistaken) that disseminating explicit material to someone is illegal and/or a breach of that persons service agreement with their email provider. In any case, you should contact the authorities if it is bothering you.

  68. @64 – i don’t. but he was pretty vitriolic about a few barbs i’d been throwing his way on here (and seemed to remember a lot of things very specifically). could still have been someone else though.

    @65 – i could just post it on here in full – but there’d be nothing to prove that it was what he’d sent me by email and not just something i’d written.

    anyway, this is between me and fargis. i want to hear him apologise. don’t you think his post (#57) are the words of a guilty man..? it sounds to me like he’s gloating. like a murderer that thinks he can’t get fingered.

    WELL DAN, I’M GOING TO FINGER YOU!

  69. @alordslums, i’m sure he is way to busy with the suggestiveness of your threat plus the fact that your post 69 to apologize for at least another minute and a half. Dirty little monkey.

  70. All I have to do to get fingered by alord is send him abusive sexual e-mails? Sweet…

  71. Hey Dan… I don’t remember alords saying you were sending him pornography. If this is true, then you busted yourself… and you need my e-mail.

  72. dan. here’s some fire for your fire:

    “but the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, AND ALL LIARS, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”

    revelation 21:8

    that would worry you if you actually were who you said you were. it’ll all come out on judgment day.

  73. I want an America where people like Dylan spend their entire lives shoveling horse crap after parades.

  74. @Rodo – he said “but suffice to say, just about every morally questionable practice imaginable has been mentioned by him in his missives over the past couple of weeks”

    “morally questionable” = pornographic.

  75. so dan, by your rationale, the holocaust was pornographic?

    it just so happens, a lot of dan’s emails were very obscenely pornographic in nature. but i didn’t mention that before…

  76. dirtylittlepretty

    so what’s the name of Dylan’s new vehicle???

  77. I sure hope Dylan’s last name is Dolan, that way he could be known as DylDo.

  78. im getin seriyusly fucked of theres a fake yoink i anit put any coments on todays posts yet but there r coments from me on evryone evan tho i dint do it FUCK OFF CUMNUGGET!!!!!!!!!!

  79. yoink, how do we know #77 was really you…?

  80. u dunt alord thats wat also pises me off noones gunna beleve im me just cos thers a fuckin imposter rappin my usaname

  81. @dan_fargis

    Nah man, you busted yourself and you know it :P .

  82. i dint rite that. fuckin ducklesuckfuckdickstick

  83. mayb i chang my usaname. see how fannyflapbuttlick likes it

  84. 81 an 82 anit me fuck of u fuckin lowlife

  85. Well, at the very least he is using correct punctuation and sentence structure. I suppose he has one redeeming quality.

    Also, this is the reason my boyfriend had to pretend to be Canadian when he went to the British Virgin Islands. Sweet Jesus.

  86. Seriously yoink? Who else would say “CUMNUGGET”? It’s quite obviously you. The gig is up.

  87. yoink I think fannyflapbuttlick SHOULD be your new username.

  88. Pedanticoldgit

    Cumnugget! Excellent, I’m using that from now on.

    And MasterProp, I stand corrected. Thanks.

  89. laugh.out.loud

    bwahahaha STFU DylDo!!!!

  90. This is hilarious, I hope you all understand sarcasm cause I doubt hes serious about any of this

  91. numba 77 is me an 82 an 83 anit soup an rodo ur telin the rong yoink i neva sed fannyflapbuttlick im english fanny meens nufink like wat it meens in america it dunt meen anyfing to do wiv your ass also the word butt should giv it away that anit a very used word in england its an american fing so i dunt say butt point haaaaaaaa suck on that fat jucy one you name steelin wanka!!!!!!!!

  92. i nev sed CUMNUGGET. not me

  93. Are you telling us all the gold is not yours yoink? You should really end up thanking your impostor because his stuff is fucking precious.

  94. McCowles, comment on how he loves Amurrica so much, but has plans for a “country far far away” – I’m not allowed to make serious comments.

  95. Is it sad that I’m actually able to tell when it is and is not really yoink? He is too unique to successfully impersonate I guess.

  96. MsBuzzkillington

    93 Comments.. I can’t really read them all.

    But isn’t he being totally sarcastic? I mean there are all the things America does. There are all the things America is. Stupid, ignorant… busting through walls, breaking down buildings, effing up everyone’s lives and then expecting all the other countries to be grateful.

    ” You make us angry, we smash the crap out of everything.”
    ” Build a wall in a vain attempt to protect themselves.”

    That is what we already do. His words, his sarcasm. There’s no way he is actually for all of this.

  97. @MsBuzzkillington – America is stupid and ignorant? I’m pretty sure this is the best educated country in the world. If we have gotten dumber it is because the liberals have poisoned the minds of the younger generations with their anti-God tripe.

  98. Dylan must be joking, everything is spelled correctly.

  99. This guy’s a jerk, not because of all the idiocy he wrote as his “vision of America”, but because he took a brief moment of his bragging about the jeeps he’s had-time to mention in passing he also happens to have a girlfriend.

  100. I prefer ImposterYoink, can we keep him?

  101. @dan_fargis Apparently Norway is the best educated country. The United States doesn’t even rank in the top ten.

  102. Dylan could have his ideal America, but this country has two-term limits, so W. can’t be president again. Repeal term limits, get your ‘utopian America’, Dylan. I won’t hold my breath.

    @dan_fargis- Lots of countries are beating America in the education department, including many that aren’t Christian-based, and don’t allow religion in schools. And some of the worst school districts in America are in the most religious-oriented areas.

  103. Anyone know where Saskatchewan is ? If you do don’t say it just say yes and what country you are from I am curious.

  104. FuckMustard: Yes, USA. Why do you ask?

  105. @ FuckMustard: Yes, and I’m from the USA as well.

  106. Carbon its actually Finland that has the best education system in the world, although UNICEF rated South Korea as the ‘most effective’ system of education. The UK came 7th with USA a lowly 18th out of 24.

  107. curiosity is all, a lot of people don’t and I was trying to figure out which country is taught their geography well.

  108. For those of you that need it (which is most):

    joke [johk] –noun
    1. something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement, as a witticism, a short and amusing anecdote, or a prankish act

    sarcasm [sahr-kaz-uhm] –noun
    1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
    2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.

    funny [fuhn-ee] –adjective
    1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person.
    2. attempting to amuse; facetious: Did you really mean that or were you just being funny?

    And for the rest of you that doesn’t take this stuff to seriously = <3

  109. Well you guys just proved a lot of people I know wrong :) Most people I know think that people from the USA don’t know their geography at all.

  110. Wow, I hope this asshole dies in a jeep accident. Or a truck accident.

  111. I hope this tool dies in a Prius accident.

  112. krasivaya_devushka

    Keep dreaming Dylan! Keep dreaming!

  113. @ FuckMustard, I know what country it’s in. Is that good enough?
    I’m from New Zealand.

  114. What a stupid, worthless little fuck. He’ll last six days in basic training before he pussies out.

    I want an America without Dylan. And he can take that skank Britney with him.

  115. It’s people like Dylan that make America what it is. We have the America-loving, gun-toting, Hummer-driving people to balance out this new wave of Americans that constantly say, “I’m moving out of America if _____ get’s elected/happens.” ‘Cause, Lord knows, complaining about something while taking no action at all is the best way to make change. Dylan spices things up a bit.

  116. this was just copied from an email forward. whatevs

  117. “It’s people like Dylan that make America what it is.”

    Stupid?

  118. I guess I better start stacking maple brittle and hockey sticks as high as I can. You Americans won’t ever take us alive!!!

  119. I thought he was a total dick until he said the thing about the kool ade guy. Now I kind of like him.

  120. @jeromy

    Well, now, let’s not resort to name-calling.

    Obviously you haven’t had a political conversation with an irate conservative. If we were all fair and peaceful then there’d be no fun. Hell, my family will purposely bring up politics just because it’s funny to see my grandfather scream about illegals and Obama, and then hear him yell at the brave few that say they disagree.

  121. Haaa, Dylan’s a keeper. It’s obvious he’s being sarcastic and he does it well.

    I want more people like Dylan!

  122. the comments threads today are totally insane. All hell has broken loose.

  123. Why can people not see that Dylan’s joking?

  124. @Brah: I come from a family of die-hard right-wingers who would take Dylan’s “joke” quite seriously. My uncle once ordered my cousin out of the house, calling her a “commie,” after she made the revelation that she’d voted Democrat the year prior. And this at Thanksgiving. Usually it’s hilarious to sit and watch the noise level escalate and screaming start, because everyone’s arguing the same points. I think if someone admitted they were a fan of either Obama or Steve Spurrier, they might die.

    After moving to southeast Asia, it really sucks to see how hated we Americans are, even by our allies. I love my country, and hate that sometimes I wish I could fake an Australian accent to avoid some of the vitriol thrown my way.

  125. @11eleven I was wondering where I had seen this before.

    @Hoobernut that sucks but it is a part of life, just tell people you are Canadian. Everyone loves a Canadian

  126. Dylan didn´t write that, it´s far too well-written. And it is kind funny…my guess is this is something someone else wrote, aimed at conservative idiots like Dylan. Sadly, he thought it was for real and agreed so much, he posted it on his wall…

  127. This is obviously one of those emails that travels around that has just been copied and pasted into his profile. Seems like overly sarcastic hilarity to me. “Oh yeah!”

    He clearly loves his country, and I greatly respect him if he is indeed choosing to give up years of his life to protect it.

    Oh, and clearly the Obama administration is doing a stellar job. 46% approval rating? I was never great at math, but I think that is lower than half right? And 38% approval from Independents? Impressive.

  128. Umm…I’m pretty sure he IS Canadian…I’m pretty sure he lives in my town.
    Sad.

  129. @Hoobernut

    I don’t get the America hate. I’ve been to Europe–they can be every bit as rude, obnoxious, and white trash as the most Southern Americans. And I say that as a person whose Christmas dinner had a political “debate” that was anything but Christ-like.
    Like I said, it just seems popular to hate America now even though more than half its population isn’t anything like the stereotypes.

  130. I want to live in Dylan’s America!

  131. @Brah

    I haven’t been to Europe, but I’m pretty sure the assholes of the world like to take holy pilgrimage to the Philippines, where even basic morality takes a backseat to money when it comes to foreigners. Seriously, you come to a tropical country after “finding ‘love’ on the internet,” and demand that a poor family with no electricity boil mineral water every day for your hot bath? Just so I can detect swamp ass AFTER you’re done bathing, and cringe at the Midchester Thunderdogs football chest tattoo that was probably hot at 20, but not on some 60-year-old man titties? Thanks, but no thanks.

    But sure enough, here, white skin = American! Land of the free, home of the dickhead.

  132. lather.rinse.repeat

    So im a bit late commenting, catching up on my reading haha. But, to the people who think he is joking, sorry, HES NOT JOKING. He’s joining the army? Come on guys. Someone wanting to ge into the “defence” force is much more likely to actually be serious about something like that, than trying to be ironic. If he was being ironic he would disagree with the ideas and values of the army rather than joining up. And as for him being “too intelligent” to seriously have those opinions, based on spelling and grammar, being intelligent does not mean you automatically dont have really shit, fucked up opinions. But as clarified above, apparently he got it off a forward anyway so he’s not as smart as he thinks he is. :)

  133. Its obviously a joke the whole thing is a joke. Even the paragraph at the beginning. I don’t know how anyone can say it’s not a joke.

  134. i am tempted to believe it is a joke because of the lack of spelling mistakes… :D

  135. I was suspicious too, mostly because of the word ‘contiguous’, but there are plenty of retarded people who can spell. In the UK we call them ‘privately-educated’.

    Still, if this *is* a joke it’s super lame. There’s no pay-off.

  136. His vision of America is the same as Hitler’s vision for Nazi Germany.

  137. I want America to send Dylan off to war so,hopefully,he will be killed and never return in turn making America safer from him

  138. How about not making jokes about Soldier’s dying?

  139. Dylan, you already have an America like that. And by the way, America is a continent.

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