Monday, October 25, 2010

Dumping His Ass

previous post: A New Hope… in one status

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88 Comments

  1. Pfft, Ben

  2. Nice one, I like Emily. Except that it took her to wait until his 5th time cheating to catch herself on!

  3. 5th time this month, jeez.

  4. A pink dildo? What’s wrong with black?

  5. Wonder if he has a pink sock to match the pink dildo?

  6. wow Emily – and you remained celibate after catching him the 1st time? or did you play with “his probably diseased ass” till just before the 5th time you caught him?

    wondering if it was Emily’s pink dildo that Allen likes to use….no, I don’t want to know

  7. Hmm yeah I didn’t notice that was only this month! And yey for pink – far prettier.

  8. Who DOESN’T like a pink dildo up their ass? Eh? Eh?

    Emily – Serves you right for gaining some ‘comfort weight, you doormat whale.

    Harsh but fuck it.

  9. Curly, I thought you wanted to avoid identifiable pics?
    Also who the hell calls it ‘comfort weight?’

  10. Lol @ Paranoid – you’re mean :P

    It’s ok Mad2, I only look like this today because I’m ill. No one will recognise me lol

  11. Mine’s purple. :-)

  12. Pink dildo – sounds logical. He can pass it off as “my ex left it here” or “I’m buying it for my gf”.

  13. Be nice to Poor Allen, he was just having his “fifth time of the month”.

  14. bollywood_rocks83

    I’ve always been of the opinion that any guy who likes it up the ass is either bisexual or bi-curious and that is in no way influenced by my very bisexual ex boyfriends who were content to let me do them when they weren’t over at their boyfriends’ houses.

  15. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    1. People really don’t know how to gracefully bow out of a relationship any more.
    2. And what the fuck is “comfort weight”? It’s FAT, YOU ARE GAINING FAT.
    3. Which also begs the question why do these girls look for an honest man if they don’t actually expect him to be honest?
    4. If your partner is sucks in bed guess who is to blame? YOU, you idiot.
    5. All of this brings me to my catchphrase “FUCK MONOGAMY”

  16. She breaks up with him after the 5th time, not the 1st or 2nd but the 5th??? LMAO @ “comfort weight”, pudge is pudge Emily!! :)

  17. Dukey, I was on board with you until you got to number 4. What the fuck.

  18. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    pineapplesalad , you are in a relationship, and your BF (I think you’re a girl) likes to slap you in the belly button with his dick and let’s assume that this isn’t your thing, what do you do?

  19. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Mama2One the 5th time THIS MONTH. Apparently he went over by 1 on his 4 cheatings/month agreement and that straw broke the cow’s back.

  20. The first time, I tell him I don’t like it and not to do it again. The second time, I tell him that it’s seriously annoying and to stop being a fucking douche. The third time, I quit and find a new bf who doesn’t think it’s funny to slap my belly button with his dick.

  21. You were with a guy who cheated on you four times, makes you pay for all the dinners out you have, is crap in bed, always calls you fat, and likes a dildo up his ass. Yeah, you’ve come off well here.

  22. What kind of real man tells his girl she’s fat? Way to show the love.

  23. Unless, of course, he’s actually serious, in which case I could at least deal with it if he did something for me that gave me equal satisfaction.. If one person is getting all the benefits and the other is getting none, then there is a problem.

  24. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I’m awaiting moderation so I have cut out all the swearing and spelling weird.

    Lol Hobo also notice that our venerable Adm|n5 labeled Emily as a win. In what universe does she count as a win?

    pineapplesalad exactly, If your BF sucks in bed, you tell him to stop and you show him what you like. If you don’t do that and you stick around in the relationship with a BF that sucks in bed, then who’s fault is that?

  25. When you made your post, it appeared that you were insinuating that if someone’s partner sucks in bed, it’s that person’s fault, which of course is a ludicrous claim. It’s his/her fault for staying in a relationship with no satisfaction (though I would argue that less than perfect sex isn’t always a deal-breaker, if there are enough good qualities to make the relationship worth it, figuratively speaking), certainly, but not that person’s fault that their partner sucks.

  26. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Then she shouldn’t bitch about the sex if she was willing to accept it in the first place. Their relationship must have had a hell of a good quality if she was wiling to put up with all the cheating, lies, truths, cheapness and selfishness.

    polsvoice Allen told her the truth about her being fat and she said she wanted him to lie to her, so the next time he lied to her about cheating and she said she wanted him to tell the truth always. WTF? you can’t eat your cake and have it.

  27. Dukey, I suspect Emily is one of those people who just stay in relationships out of convenience. I also note she moved in with this guy, why else would she have done that?

  28. Dukey: Way to misread my post. I said I agreed with you about it being stupid to stay in a relationship that you get nothing out of, the statement in parentheses being my personal opinion on whether or not it’s still stupid to stay with someone that isn’t the greatest in the sack if you have a healthy, happy relationship that is otherwise worth being in (no). Obviously I wasn’t talking about Emily’s facebook post, and I was in no way defending her.

  29. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    pineapplesalad Way to misunderstand my understanding of your agreement with my original statement. I was being sarcastic based your opinion.
    Being serious, obviously there were no good qualities in the relationship from what she talked about (no trust, no good sex, no honesty, no communication etc) which is why I agree with mad2physicist Emily seems like one of those girls who loves to be seen in a relationship whether it’s a good one or a bad one it doesn’t matter.

  30. Dukey, she may have gained like, a pound. You don’t know that shes fat. If she is, we don’t know the circumstances. Furthermore, she probably didn’t ask, so he was just being a douche by telling her.

  31. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    polsvoice you are starting to sound like MEG. Fat sympathy is not tolerated on LB. If she gained enough “comfort weight” for him to notice it then she is fat, besides if we don’t know the circumstances then why did you assume she didn’t ask? Remember you are not supposed to substitute your own life experiences for Emily’s.

  32. Oh lawd. This reeks of desperation…Emily, I wholeheartedly agree with the others, while Allen was an ass, selfish, cheap, a cheater, and shitty all around, it’s your fault as well for staying with him. You weren’t giving him any benefit of the doubt or whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night, you were desperate and pathetic.

    Call me shallow, but I would think anyone with half a brain would leave after they learn the ugly full truths of their partner, and can’t deal with them. Sure, give them a small window of opportunity to clean up their act to a reasonable standard, but you missed all the red flags that said this guy wouldn’t.

  33. I’m not arguing for fat tolerance, I’m arguing against being a tool. There’s “being honest,” and there’s Simon Cowell. There are so many people in the world who think they can say whatever the fk they want to people and hide behind the “I was just being honest” argument it makes me sick.

  34. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    But they ARE being honest or is your point that people need to lie to fat people so the fat people can keep getting fatter?

    Again it sounds like you a using your personal life as the basis of some kind of argument. In Emily’s case, she got fat and her BF called her out on it. That is all we know. In your case maybe someone insulted you (using things that were actually true) and so you can’t see the difference here.

  35. Ummm… When did she say he sucks in bed? I only see where it says he is selfish in bed. Those are two totally different things. You can still be satisfied by a selfish lover, it just might not happen every time. Or it could just be that he likes her to always be on top but will never be on top himself. The sex is still good, both people still get off, but there is no variety.

  36. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Dude that’s a distinction without a difference. Either way he is doing something she doesn’t like, she should have been as honest as he is and called him out on it. You can’t tolerate something and then turn around and start bitching about it.

  37. At least Emily did not post a photo of Allen’s skidmark-painted underwear for all of us to enjoy.

  38. Dukey, I’m going to interject just a second. What polsvoice means, is that, by all means, tell a fat person they’re fat. But, say it in a completely honest, yet not asshole-ish way. I don’t mean a subtle “beat around the bush” way either. The flat out truth, but not a Simon Cowell way. I am no defender of fatties either. I myself am one but am taking all the steps necessary to lose it, and have lost some weight. But I was told in a honest, yet nice way. (of course I already knew I was) Possibly Emily was already aware of the weight problem, and insecure. But Allen made her feel 100x worse about it.

    “You’ve gained some weight.” as opposed to:
    “You fucking fat whale!”

    “Maybe you should start up a diet so you can lose those pounds and get healthier and gain confidence.” as opposed to
    “Look at all the waves, you disgust me.”

  39. Yes, Dukey, it’s still honest, but it’s being a complete dick. You can tell someone something honestly (if you feel that they need to hear it) without saying “YOU’RE A TOTAL FAT-ASS.” This has nothing to do with fat people, it has to do with everyone on the planet who has a flaw. That would be… everyone on the planet.
    On a side note, when you make an argument, you have to use examples to support your argument. I used Simon Cowell as an example. I’m not using my personal experience here, but if I was, what would be the big deal about it? Would it be completely and totally wrong for someone to use their personal experience as an example that supports their argument?

  40. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Where are we getting all this extra information from? Am I missing something here? We don’t know HOW he told her she was fat all we know is that he did tell her she was fat.

    polsvoice It would be completely wrong because then you would be projecting your own emotional experience on Emily and you will be biased and do something like calling Allen “a complete dick” without knowing anything about how he told Emily she was fat.

  41. Jesus, Dukey, get a life.

  42. Team Dukey. If you can’t tell your partner what you want in bed (typical read-my-mind mentality), it’s your own fault.

    If constructive criticism pertaining to your degrading appearance is too sensitive a subject, it’s your own fault.

    Sorry, Emily. You’re a butthurt loser. Also, humiliating your new ex on a public forum is very pathetic.

  43. Aren’t you doing the same thing by calling Emily fat when you don’t even know if she’s fat or not? Aren’t you projecting your own irrational hatred for fat people onto Emily and being just as biased?

  44. Just my assumption: Allen, as bad as he may be, probably knows you don’t just up and call your gf a fatass. He probably DID gracefully, half-jokingly make an innocent comment about her weight gain (which is much better than simply keeping silent about it!), and sensitive Emily took that as “you giant fatass.”

  45. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Cum Dumpster love your name just letting you know all us guys appreciate people like you.

    polsvoice not really, She said it herself, he was there to “remind [her] of just how fat [she is](: “. I know fat is relative, but I say again if she got fat enough for him to notice, then she is fat.

  46. Dukey, if Kiera Knightley gained five pounds, would you notice?

  47. I know I wouldn’t notice 5 pounds on anyone. It’d have to be at least 15 for me to notice and even more for me to say anything.

  48. 5 times in one month??? I gotta say, Emily is a slow learner.

  49. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Thanks christopherlovet I was about to point that out. I also wanted to point out that you are using a practically anorexic actress as your example.
    polsvoice If he was able to notice the weight gain and call her on it, then it isn’t “comfort weight” or “thick” or “heavy” or “big-boned” or whatever euphemism fat chicks use, it’s fat.

  50. Jesus christ

  51. Kiera Knightly is so skinny her boobs point in instead of out. She needs to gain 5 pounds in the titty region.
    You know, I totally support staying with someone and trying to help them better themselves. On the other hand, I stand by my earlier assertion that Emily was a fat unhappy individual for a long time in this relationship and ought to have ended both the fatness and the relationship long ago.
    Please note also that Emily never said he was mean about pointing out the weight. She might have meant that one day she marched up to him and, as some women are wont to do, asked in an accusing tone ‘do these pants make my butt look big?’ and he admitted they were not flattering. Seriously, I agree this guy sounds like a total jerk, but Emily’s post is not that informative.
    Oh and I don’t think liking a dildo in the ass makes you bi-curious. Some straight men enjoy when women play with their ass.

  52. It’s obvious Emily is exaggerating – Allen can’t be that much of a tightass if he’s using a dildo.

  53. I just think its pretty interesting that everyone has focused so much on the fact that Allen told Emily (in whatever manner he did it, nice or mean) that she was overweight, and that this is bad because he hurt her feelings. How about the fact that he gave the “hot beef injection” to 5 other women?! Are we as a society so caught up in how we (or other people) look, that we are blind to the friggin obvious wrong-doing here? If you are with someone who is more worried about how you look than how you treat them, then the relationship is NOT as meaningful as you would like to pretend it is, and you need to walk away. Simple as that. People are stupid.

  54. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    lol@ Word

    Mad2, you are right, and since you like Bio lessons here is another one. For most men it’s the prostate gland that causes the sensation in the ass. In fact if you have a skilled enough chick, she can stimulate the prostate gland and cause an orgasm without touching your penis. I’ve heard some crazy stories from female doctors about prostate exams that went awry.

  55. And because that last post had nothing funny in it, I’ll tell you my favorite joke. A baby seal walks into a club……*rimshot*

  56. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    O.G. I feel so evil for laughing :D . Did they have Bloody Marys after that?

    In case you can’t tell I’m stuck somewhere all day and I’m bored to death (Coincidentally I’m also watching Bored to Death) so I’m hoping more misguided people will try to defend Emily’s stupidity.

  57. I’d love to stay on here and be bored with you Dukey, but early day tomorrow. Get to wake up and run 4 miles. Don’t want to be a fatty like Emily…ha ha!

  58. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Indeed.

  59. Yes, I used a practically anorexic model as an example in my argument. How do we know that Emily is not practically anorexic? We don’t.
    If Allen “reminded” her that she is “fat,” that means she never brought it up. For example, if someone wants to remind you of something, they’re not going to assume that you’re going to bring it up first. They’re going to say it, whether you ask them to or not. Which means that Emily could very well have never asked to be reminded of her weight gain in the first place, and Allen was just being an ass by pointing it out. Once again, I’m not arguing for fat tolerance. I’m arguing against being a toolbag. Allen, given all the evidence here, is a toolbag.

  60. Lamebook, I love you so much… why do you make me so sad? I have become the Emily to your Allen. Please stop making me want to get my kicks elsewhere, and I promise you hot, hot make-up sex.

    (please note that the said hot, hot make-up sex is not a metaphor.)

  61. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Not really polsvoice. If Emily were anorexic, then her boyfriend would be happy to have her gain weight (especially in her boobs) and he wouldn’t have to remind her that she is fat. Speaking of reminding, maybe she she brought it up first and then he reminded her all the subsequent times, the same way you remind someone of a meeting that you talked about before. None of that matters though, the point is whether he brought it up or she did, we don’t know how he told her. Yes he is a toolbag but not because of the fatness thing. She is also a whiny pathetic bitch and I think they deserve each other so they can generate more (hopefully funny) LB posts.

    @Junebug I am considering changing my name to Lamebook just to get some jail-bait makeup sex.

  62. While I can see our views on a lot of things are different, I do agree with you on that last thing. She’s an idiot, too. She was foolish to stay with him if she was so obviously unhappy with how the relationship was going. But that does not make him any less of a douche. And yes, they are definitely perfect for each other. Maybe we’ll see more of them on here in the future.

  63. @O.G Dirtwood, I laughed at rimshot… nicely done sticking that in there with the anal talk. ;)

    Let’s see how long this debate goes on between pols and Dukey.

  64. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I thought it was over :( here I am being bored for nothing. Maybe I should start a new one … Hey polsvoice What are your views on abortion and stem cell research? Do you think Obama is Hitler? Sould we legalize weed?

  65. It was over. I have no conflict with anyone here, I was just having a conversation. But if you want to debate about something else, I will entertain you.
    I believe that abortion is sometimes necessary, depending on the situation.
    I believe that stem cell research is also necessary. But there are personal reasons behind that. Objectively, if we have an opportunity to find cures for so many of the horrific diseases humans have to suffer, then I believe we should seize those opportunities, regardless of how controversial the cost may be.
    No, Obama is not Hitler. Being president is hard, and every president is going to make mistakes. I do not dislike Obama, but I did not dislike Bush either. However, I admittedly do not know much about politics.
    Yes, I do believe we should legalize weed. This is not just because I enjoy smoking weed, though. All through school, I was beat over the head with “MARIJUANA IS SATAN” and for awhile I just accepted that without question. But upon further research, I decided to believe that the benefits of marijuana far outweigh the risks, and I still hold that belief today.

  66. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I think you have a problem grasping sarcasm. That being said, I actually agree with most of what you said.

  67. Dukey, if you are Lamebook then I seriously think we should be addressing whatever metaphorical relationship issues correspond to long-and-unfunny-commenters-who-are-repeatedly-stabbing-us-in-the-brain-with-the-rusty-screwdrivers-that-are-their-senses-of-humour.

    And then you can get ze jailbait sexin’.

  68. You are absolutely right, Dukey. I am TERRIBLE at picking up on sarcasm, even if someone is holding up a sign that says “I AM BEING SARCASTIC.” I apologize for my social faux pas.

  69. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    That’s way too much work, I will just stick to the long unfunny posts.

  70. YES! LEGALIZE POT! DO IT NOW!!!!1!1!!!1
    No seriously, do it.
    Ahem. I’ll try to control myself, I just feel rather passionately about this.
    Dukey, for once I was ahead of you, I knew about the possibility of a girl giving an orgasm through ass play.

  71. Speak of the devil.

  72. I don’t know who is in charge of making weed legal, but I though Obama enjoyed a little of the green himself. You’d think he’d get right on that.

  73. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    pols, I can’t imagine anyone doing such a high stress job without a lil’ wake ‘n bake.

    Mad2, I meant a guy, only guys have prostates. The female equivalent is the Skene’s. Usually reached through G-spot play.

    So just to be clear, everybody (male and female) can potentially cum through ass play. So Emily shouldn’t knock it til she tries it. like Paranoid Android said “Who DOESN’T like a pink dildo up their ass? Eh? Eh?”

  74. Legalize it!

  75. Allen and Emily are both assholes and the world is better off without people like them. Unfortunately people like them reproduce so this is not possible. Case closed.

  76. ahaha, couldn’t get past the “doormat whale” comment :D

  77. Heh heh heh

    Fat people.

  78. Did her incorrect usage of a semicolon bother anybody else? That is seriously my biggest problem with this post. Allen’s an ass, Emily is dense, and all you girls that are pining for Allen after Emily’s excellent review; can go for it.

  79. Semicolon? Where?

    I assume you are referring to the COLONS and brackets?

    ( “:” is a colon. “;” is a semicolon)

    :) is a smiley. Have you seriously never seen one before???

    Agreed, though: Allen is an ass, and Emily is dense for taking this long to get out of the relationship. 5th time this month? REALLY????

  80. ok “: )” with no space is a smiley. Lamebook automatically converts them into actual simley faces. Facebook doesn’t.

  81. Oh Rockerchick88, you just showed the entire world of Lamebook how ignorant you are. What is that famous quote? Oh that’s right: “Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt”. I even incorrectly used the semicolon in my post to really get the point across. Have you seriously never seen a semicolon used correctly before?

    The phrase, “So any of you ladies that want to fuck his probably diseased ass”, is not a complete sentence. A semicolon after that fragment is not correct. The phrase, “go for it”, is a complete sentence if you are of the mind that there is an implied “You” before the “go”. If you removed the semicolon and instead used a verb such as “can”, that would be acceptable. I changed it up a bit and tried to make it really evident by using the “can” in my sentence with the semicolon.

    Oh yes: :) or : ), I don’t give a fuck. I’m not smiling.

  82. Rocker: Laurel was talking about the semi-colon found in the following sentence, by Emily: “So any of you ladies that want to fuck his probably diseased ass; go for it…”

    Laurel: Just an FYI–punctuation marks go inside the quotation marks. So, if you’re quoting something, “Like This,” the comma or period go before the ending quotation mark. :)

    And, well, there are more things about commas, but I’m lazy with the explaining. So. :D

  83. Rhy, I don’t think Rocker needed further explanation; I felt I covered it adequately. Also, there are a few schools of thought on the use of punctuation within quotations marks, and my usage is correct if you understand that I’m leaving her punctuation out on purpose and just using the “virgin” words. With regard to the famous quote, the period should be inside the quotation marks; I’m not quite sure how it snuck its way out.

    Also, my usage of commas is correct if you understand that the quoted material is a nonrestrictive clause and is not essential to the meaning of the sentence. In that sense, the clause itself should be set apart with both beginning and ending commas outside the quotation marks. There are two schools of thought on that also (the other being the thought that no commas are neccesary at all), and I was taught the one I demonstrate. I have had many debates on whether or not the commas are acceptable or appropriate in terms of setting off quoted material that is interjected in a sentence, but I prefer the way it reads when it is written the way I wrote it.

    Of course, I have issues with your use of commas (excessive), but Lamebook isn’t the place for a debate such as this. Rocker was just out of luck from the get-go.

  84. Ahem, didn’t* and quotation*

  85. Gtfo, laureltx. This isn’t English class.

  86. Ok, so I misunderstood what you were referring to, not the end of the world, thanks for clearing that up. No need to have a bitch fit.

    @Rhynera: Thanks for clearing that up! Genuinely appreciated :)

    @lauren tx: sorry I misunderstood what you were referring to. Now please calm down. Seriously, wasn’t attacking you, was just curious. Thought you were referring to the overuse of smilies. I did also agree with you on your main point… so relax!

  87. Seriously Laurel, did that need to escalate that fast? Calm down, it was obviously not an attack on your pride and English skillz. If there was a lamebook for lame comments under lamebook posts, I feel your responses would be there… and I know you don’t want that. Let’s keep this a nice and funny environment, yeah?

  88. Dude, she thought that you didn’t understand what a smiley was and that you were all mad about colons and brackets being misused to make them.

    Honest mistake !

    Aren’t we all supposed to be laughing our asses of at the stupidity of the cretins that post this crap on Facebook as opposed to wailing on each other in the lamebook comments?

    Hell, we’re all part of a team here ! If we don’t start trying to get along this place will be no different from Facebook !
    Then there will be some kinda ‘thelamestoflamebook.com’ !

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