Monday, April 19, 2010

Didn’t Make the Cut

previous post: disgRACE



  1. oh my god.

  2. Second!

  3. lol, Matt’s an idiot.

  4. Dumbass. . . .

  5. liketotallycool

    Wow! One of Matt’s friends is worth adding. The question is who…

  6. I’m just kinda shocked that he says he’s a gentle person..yet, all she did was give him a glare and he wanted to stab her in the jugular? It’s not like she tore him a new one, or suspended him, or fired him or wrote him up…I wonder what would happen if someone made fun of his mama…

  7. There’s a lesson here, which is WHEN THE FUCK WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN?

    Granted, it’s a vague lesson, but hell, it’s true. Don’t post your angry shit on Facebook and get all pissy when there’s consequences. Facebook isn’t some fucking imaginary dream world where you can say anything you like to someone’s face and think that nothing’ll happen. It’s just like real life. Except on the internet. And with more people standing around shouting ‘LOOK AT ME, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND WE FUCKED LAST NIGHT! BE JEALOUS!’

    Also I’ve never heard of the name Alysa before. Not with just 1 l and 1 s. Ah, Lamebook, always showing me new names I’m not all that interested in.

  8. “I’m a very gentle person” hmm, a very gentle person who wants to stab people in their neck. brilliant.

  9. im very gentle also… until the clothes come off… then i be stabbin bitches anywhere I can… and if an old chic thats got a smokers hole in her neck, well id stab that bitch in the jugular… thats probably what he meant

  10. Matt’s an idiot.

    I love how David knows of three places hiring right off the bat. Holly was no help. What a bitch ;)

  11. Ugh. Accept ≠ Except.

  12. @slimjayz – ohhh i see! he probably was just talking about stabbin’ bitches in THAT way. I get it now, thanks for clearing that up. i thought he was being violent now i see he was just venting his sexual feelings :)

  13. BringYourOwnSun

    @slimjayz I’m pretty certain your take of Matt’s thinking process is correct. Of course, that means he was fired for sexual harassment though.

  14. Slimjayz….sometimes…I wonder if you’re on a sexual deviant list somewhere…..

  15. I can totally relate to Matt in this scenario… I showed up at a place I used to work at, insulted the boss, and STILL ordered food (when I completely MISSED my shift)… and afterward, I got fired, and I…

    Hang by, that wasn’t ME, that was ME living vicariously THROUGH Matt…

    …. damn, I wished I worked at McDonalds, and had “friends” that kicked me in the nuts everytime I turned my back…

    Wanna be my friend Matt?

  16. MagnificentBastard

    He hated working for her, he should be so damned HAPPY right now! Also, second/third/fourthing the whole putting yorurage on a public social site scenario. When has it actually accomplished something good?

  17. MagnificentBastard

    * your rage

  18. It’s times like these i’ve never been happier to be completely unemployable. Too much drama for my liking this whole ‘job’ malarkey.

  19. Mat was idiotic but it was preety bad of one of his friends to go telling his boss. But then you always get brown nosing colleagues in the workplace and he should have known that.

  20. @frankie… not that i know of… its not my fault that I have the highest sex drive of anyone i know… but i have excellent self control… if i cant find a place to jerk or the wife isnt around then I just tuck it in my waistband until it suficates my boner… i seriously have popped wood 10 minutes after sex and 5 minutes after jerking and had to do it again… i let a lot of my sexual frustrations out on the internet so as to not get myself on any sexual deviant lists…

    remember, its the quite ones you have to worry about… malteaser probably breaks into peoples homes and rapes their pets… his neighbors will say he was always so quite and was laughed at everything and that they would never expect that out of him

  21. Matt was a dork for not calling into work for his schedule when he lost it. Then to get all frumpy about the crusty his boss gave him when he showed up at the place to eat. THEN to rip on her on Facebook.

    When will you folks learn, Facebook is mainstream. Everyone can see it. Don’t air your laundry or bear your soul, or do *anything* that can come and bite you in the butt later.


  22. After slim’s comment: Is that going to make malteaser lose fans now… or make more?

  23. I know what you’re saying slim. If the wind blows the wrong way, or even if I sit wrong on the city bus. I’m at full salute. The waist band trick doesn’t always work for me though. I have even found myself pinching the tip of it. Of course sometimes that makes it worse.

  24. oh buses are the worst! sometimes its tough to adjust without people noticing… i mean when its soft you can move it around with tugs here or there, or a hand in your pocket… but when its at wordpervert readiness it takes a lot of adjusting

    either way I have to adjust… i either have a boner or my balls sag and i sit on them… but i wont switch off boxers cuz I like my freedom

  25. @Slim…with a sex drive like that…it’s a shame for the rest of us you’re already married. *sigh* Makes me glad I’m a girl, though..when we have high sex drives like that, there are vibrating panties that help us do the trick where ever, whenever…
    Also…you could quite possibly be right about Malteaser. My neighbors let thier obnoxious, angry dogs into my yard all the time. “It’s the country”, she says, so apparently that means that property lines mean nothing…maybe I should have him over for the weekend, see if a girl can get a hand….

  26. I adjust either way. I mean if not, they are just going to sit there and stare the whole time while trying to act like they’re not. It’s kinda hard to hide with the way I dress.

    I learned a long time ago to sit down slowly. Boxers can really mess you up.

    I would have to say that the wooden church pews are the worst. They block the blood flow quite well. It doesn’t help that the girl in the front row of the choir is the preachers daughter and she a hot little devil!

  27. Oh my god slim, word is going to be so happy that you gave her some sexual credit! Man oh man, do I love that word. I love you too, remember that one time… with the banana! Ahh, sweet memories.

  28. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    Matt you semtard, you missed work then showed up anyway, you’re melodramatic enough that a justified evil glare makes you feel like shit, you have friends that suggest prayer will help human mistakes, other friends that further erode your wavering self esteem by suggesting you ought work at subway @ walmart, and when you threaten people you misspell parts of the human anatomy. If you ask me what you should do next you should go postal and get all stab happy on that bitch, let off some steam, no one will suspect you’re THAT dumb, it’s like double jeopardy right…?

  29. I hate it when Facebook affects people’s real life because some overbearing boss or co-worker snooped around and turned you in or whatnot. Public info or not, what you do not on the clock is your business. Disagree all you want.

    That being said, when I worked retail years ago I NEVER freakin’ understood people like Matt ever. What the hell else do you have going on that you can’t sit down and memorize what time you have to be at work for a week or so? How do you become so disorganized that you lose one piece of paper that is as important as your work schedule? I guess if you can do all that, you can get fired for a Facebook posting. Oh well.

  30. All I have to say is….pwnt.

  31. DivineMonkeyTrigger

    …tcha, it really is the quiet ones you got to keep an eye on. But if you unpack the acronym “lol” you’ll see malteaser is laughing out loudly, hence not being that quiet, just kind of illiterate, I assume.
    Naturally if my home and it’s animal contents were broken and entered I’d still suspect malteaser though ;-)

  32. Props to Spicy Boughner…great reply :clap,clap,clap:

  33. @frankie… if i was a chic I would never leave the shower

    @eenerbl… awww, you get plenty of sex cred… i just havent seen you around much lately… and of course I remember the banana… i thought of you the other night when I was searching porn and found a chic masterbating with a banana, lol

  34. I would still love malteaser, though Slim is as always the awesomest(yes I am aware that that is not really a word).

  35. Aww, thanks slim. Yeah, I’ve been busy, work stuff, family stuff, plan ol’ stuff. I do however think of you whenever I pick some nanners from my back yard.

  36. you know…making comments like I want to stab her in the jugular should be taken as a joke when you see it on FB. People constantly make comments like that for effect. If I took half the shit I read on FB seriously I’d have a mental breakdown.

  37. I only threaten grievous bodily harm over Twitter. I find that the limit they set on character provides better deniability.

  38. @ #10: You made me LOL.

    Matt didn’t say he was GOING to stab her in the jugular; he said he’d RATHER. Sounds like Boss lady was just looking for a reason to fire him.

    Matt sounds like an idiot all around, though. If you know you lost your schedule, wouldn’t you think, “Hmm, there might be a possibility I’m supposed to work today. Perhaps I should call before going in to SHOP.”?

  39. No matter how you look at, you just can’t take those threats lightly these days. You don’t know who is mentally deranged enough to act things out. Matt may have been joking, but he is still a dumb ass for saying it.

    He’s a bigger dumb ass for going in on his day off. The only time I go in to work on my days off, is to pick up my check; or knock off a quickie with a co-worker.

  40. @HeSaidWhat, agreed. My ex-roommate posted something on facebook about how she was going to kill me (after she had deleted me when she was angry) and I definitely screen shotted it. She said something about how she was going to bury me somewhere nobody would ever find me?? It was only days after a college student in Sacramento was beated to death by his roommate with a baseball bat (brutal) so I knew that the treat wouldn’t be taken lightly (since we’re also college students). I ended up not doing anything about it because I ended up moving out the next month since she was majorly psycho, but I was tempted.

    Nonetheless, at least Matt wasn’t FRIENDS with his boss on facebook like the other person who posted crap about their boss on facebook and ended up getting fired. It was a bitch move on his friend’s part, unless his friend is also a co-worker, in which case I guess I could see why they’d feel obligated to inform the boss.

  41. who post everything that happens on their life in facebook? Dumbass!

  42. I like Jamie just for laughing at him.

  43. @hesaidwhat: Matt didnt know he was working that day.

    Still, he could have call to make sure he was not working on that day. People are just lazy nowadays, they want everything handed to them. There is always that one “goody-good-good” employee that fucks it up for everyone else. That one employee that kissess the bosses ass and always thinks that someone wants their job. That happen to me once, I wrote on piece of paper that “I hate this job and that this company should go to hell.” Also on this piece of paper I was practicing my signature. The funny thing was that this paper fell off my pocket and some a-hole gave it to my boss.

  44. @hawktorn

    I feel ya, bub. Was it in crayon? I write all my diatribes in Burnt Umber. Those people just don’t understand that free spirits like us just can’t color within the lines. We need to be free…to…practice…writing…our…own…name. Yeah.

  45. I said beated. I’m retarded. Beaten*

  46. @ hawktorn: I realize this, I even gave him that credit in my comment. With that being said, who in their right mind would risk being told ” I’m glad you showed up, We’re short and we need you to fill in.”

  47. @ Shelby: You did the right thing. You just can’t take threats with a grain of sand these days. Who knows what is lurking behind that little black door in your mind that say “DO NOT OPEN!” People open that door all the time.

  48. The places they’re talking about are in Erie, PA. Hmmm, maybe I should watch out and not glare at anyone who could be named Matt.

  49. slim, just letting you know I had to go and sort myself out after all your white hot comments.

    I feel much better now considering I missed out on one last quickie yesterday prior to flying home.

    ee, I fuckin’ hate that we keep missing each other, I’m at my wits end with frustration on that one.

    Finally, any place that’s called Joe Roots Grill HAS to be a place I need to visit, if not for the food, but because I just love the word ROOT.

  50. The most I say on fb about my job is it either sucked or it was a good night. I work customer service, it usually sucks. If people ask, they usually text me whats wrong and I tell them. I don’t make threats towards anyone on fb.

  51. i love malteaser too

    I’d still love malteaser, rape or no rape.

  52. I’m going to bet it was Holly who told Matt’s boss. No sympathy, just a note to make her feel less guilty. She may as well have just said “man up!”

  53. What part of ‘Hey, I’ll go into work even though I don’t know when I’m working and buy some food, thereby exposing myself to a possible thrashing by my boss, who is no doubt going to be pissed off if i AM working today, and then i’ll post about it on facebook, even though it’s probably going to be an extremely bad idea’ made sense to Matt?

  54. @ #51 love malt: I’m banking on the fact he has you brainwashed by now. Either that or he has a massive cock.

  55. lol

    Also, I’m neither illiterate nor a raper of pets :O

  56. I’m not a “he” either…. sorry to kill your dreams 8)

  57. You’re keeping my dream alive malt.



  59. The Salmon Mousse

    Lamebook seems to have quite alot of females, which confuses me as you don’t get females on the internet. Something must be wrong at Sandwich making HQ :(

  60. @ Salmon

    Oh dear…. A name like “Salmon Mousse” tends to infer that either you yourself are a culinary queen (female or gay) and thus familiar with the inner mechanisms of “Sandwich Making” or that you are truly knowledgable about the nuances of the colour spectrum (English spelling, btw), knowing the difference between “salmon” and just plain orange/peach, which would also infer the you yourself are something other than male.

    I figured I’d make the above assumption based on cliches, since you seem so prone to do the same.

    Tsk tsk…

  61. I want to know what kind of “friend” would turn poor Matt in. That’s who I would stab, the fucker who told his boss. Lamebook is driven by lame Fb stuff but really it’s lame “friends” who post the lame stuff to Lamebook.

    I like Malt too but I miss turtle boy.

  62. It’s not like the boss really needed the FB posting reason to fire Matt – and in seeing Matt’s warped slew on reality (getting offended when HE fubar’d work) – we could probably easily and just as safely assume he’s full of crap and got fired for … not showing up to work.

  63. The Salmon Mousse

    Or option three, it just means I’v watched Monty Python’s Meaning of Life ;) . I’d say the colour Salmon was more pink then orange or peach, though I’m not quite sure how knowing a colour exists implies that I’m homosexual.

    Anyway, I made a lame (unfunny) joke at the expense of woman kind; I apologies if you were offended. Next time I’l make a joke about men to balances the scales a little.

  64. The Salmon Mousse

    apologise even* I’m on a typo roll today.

    Anyway, if what Matt says is true, the ironic thing if he *had* prayed for his boss, instead of threatening to “stab her”, he might still have a job. God moves in mysterious ways….

  65. @Spicy Boughner:
    I agree that when you are “off the clock” you should be free to do what you want(within the law) without fear of repercussions from work. However, the whole point is Matt was meant to be on the clock. He was scheduled to work and did not show up. That alone would be reason enough to get fired.

    Moreover, he threatened a manager. Whether he was joking or not, no manager would like an employee who would happily dole out joking death threats.

    I do agree, that the friend who dobbed him in was an asshole.

  66. @malteaser

    I don’t know why, based strictly on “lol”, that I always thought you were male.

    I don’t know what to think, now.

  67. There are a lot of female posters on this site , a lot more then on any other humour site.

    But (and i have used this argument once before long time ago) experience has painfully taught me that almost half of the ‘women’ on the internet are in fact men.

    So maybe malteaser is something in between, a transcendent genderless creature sent to this sad world to teach us the meaning of Laughing out Loud and Lots of Love

    So whatever you may be Malt , my allegiance is yours.

  68. @Father Sha

    I feel fairly certain that the reason there are so many women on lamebook is… well… because of me.

    No need to agree (nor deny) this fact, as my delusion is set in a section of my brain that refuses to see reason (or the color orange).

  69. Mcowles , why would i deny that fact. We all know it is your hardcore masculinity that brings all the girls to the yard

  70. Chinchillazilla

    *bats eyelashes at mcowles*

  71. It’s already working Mcowles, You hire me for your PR and your johnson will be doing overtime !

  72. @Father Sha

    and I’m like, it’s better than yours.


    I thought you put “bat eyelashes”. I enjoyed my misread. A little too much. Now I’m sad :( .

  73. @Father Sha

    Oh, my johnson already has a steady gig. I wouldn’t want to risk it by moonlighting for the overtime that you mentioned. I’ll throw all my epoon your way, if you want, though. :)

  74. word, I as well am frustrated!

  75. i love malteaser too

    Can I get some love here for actually getting malteaser to divulge more info than those lols that we all love?

  76. @mcowles

    I could try to bat them at you if you want. Or have eyelashes reminiscent of small flying mammals. Whatever.

  77. @salmon mousse – Apology accepted. I guess I wasn’t really offended, just jumping on a soap box. I’m off now. Also, I was countering your cliche with one of my own, not necessarily implying you are gay. Anyone who watches – and loves – good ol’ Monty deserves respect in my book! So…. Respect! :-)

  78. Are we sure that Malt even means LOL and not LOL?

  79. @malteaser

    My dreams are still alive cheers!

  80. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I was just about to say that Malteaser is a “she” turns out SHE beat me to it. Now if I can get her to beat something else for me then we will be all good.

  81. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    and yes @ I love malt you do get some love cos I figured malteaser was a chick after i saw her post where she said
    ” OMG I have a fan <3 " this is something only a chick would say IMO. although she could be one of those hermaphrodite chicks with dicks.

  82. This guy lives in Erie PA, friggin hilarious.

  83. Wow, I thought I’d be the only one to make the Erie connection. I know too many Matts with blue icons :X

  84. ohhh gee.
    i died a little inside.

    -Gods investment in you (His son!) was SO great, he could never abandon you!-

  85. Only inside? Bummer.

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