Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dave Eagers

previous post: MOMentous Occasions



  1. awwww… david… thats so sad

  2. Ben.

    Wait. I can’t be.



  3. I am a failure.

  4. Take comfort that you are not David at least.

  5. What facebook language is that??

  6. CommentsAtLarge

    Perhaps if David would have discovered the letters e, t, o, i, and l earlier Isabella would not have rejected him.

  7. LMAO at David!!!
    In all fairness I’m sure it was Isabella’s fault. Most likely David and Isabella had sex one drunken night and David took it as she “liked him” while Isabella was just drunk and woke up the next morning saying “holly fuck, that was bad”..
    It happens

  8. I feel like I’m in high school all over again, and I don’t like it.

    Why, oh why must people type like that? It makes me cringe and get angry. I will never understand the substitution for numbers for letters, makes no sense to me. I’m moving on.

  9. @CommentsAtLarge, I think it’s not David’s Facebook which has no e’s, t’s, o’s, or i’s, but rather the poster’s language setting.

  10. Feeling pretty bad for David at this point, someone forgot to develop social skills.

    And, this Isabelle chick seems like a real prize to miss out on, too. Why not just crush the guy in public, as opposed to setting things straight privately? This way, dude gets to be a laughing stock in front of all his friends, and now all of us.

    Oh wait, I just re-read the way he spells. He deserves it.

  11. What facebk language is that??

  12. Huh? There is actually a facebook language setting for “retard”?

    Idiocracy, shine on, you crazy diamond.

  13. I’m guessing cupid is right… Although from the sound of David I would guess makeout session and not sex

    and bulldog, i agree 100% No reason for her to call the poor guy out like that… although im not laughing at him, i feel bad

  14. Ouch. That was awkward.

    Fair play to the guy tho, he took it quite well.

    Besides, maybe he meant whipped in the literal sense; there is more of a possibility of that being true judging by Isabella’s reaction…


  15. CommentsAtLarge

    Mal, I saw that Facebook setting but just assumed that it would have done it to everything if it were responsible. If it was the setting, then I revise my prior comment: Perhaps if David wouldn’t have used a setting that makes most people’s brain bleed, Isabella wouldn’t have rejected him.

  16. Aw. I can’t laugh at this :( Poor guy.

    Okay, I know it’s his fault for presuming, but still… :(

  17. That’s not David’s language it’s set to… Whoever submitted this has their language set in “leet,” which in my book is equally lame.

  18. David, while I hate that typing mode, I will say that many men go from lonely to being “whipped” by some girl every day of the week.

    Am I right fellas?

  19. “Leet” is not a language – it’s merely an excuse for computer virgins to feel superior.

  20. So in this language setting, ‘comment’ becomes ‘$p@m’ and ‘like’ becomes ‘<3'. Wow.

    I also feel bad for David but I am just so completely baffled by this language setting that I see his situation as being a small side-order to this super-sized Lameburger combo.

  21. With a riding crop, word?

  22. You people are being way too kind to David. It’s obvious that some big jock pushed him in the hallway and he dropped his books. Being the helpful sort, Isabella instinctively went to help him pick up his things. They both looked up at the same time, and for a second their eyes met. His eyes widened at the sight of her femininity, realizing they were less than 2 feet apart, closer than he had ever been to a girl before. Her eyes widened at the sight of his greasy hair, his beanbag-chair-shaped body, and his face covered in enormous pimples that all seemed to be bursting at once. He dreamily inhaled the scent of her Pert Plus while she queasily inhaled the scent of his 4-day-old body odor and Vesuvius-like pimple eruptions. She quickly muttered something about having to go to the bathroom, and got up and ran away to vomit up the cafeteria chicken fingers she had eaten only an hour before. He stared after her, squatting on the floor with his books in his arms while the essay he was supposed to turn in next period was scattered and torn by hundreds of careless feet rushing to their own classes before the tardy bell.

    Finally, he snapped out of it enough to get to his own class, but he was distracted by the memory of her eyes and the way her hips swayed as she ran down the hall to complete the involuntary expulsion of her federally nutritionally balanced lunch. That night, David had a dream about Isabella, from which he woke sweaty and sticky in his special area. This is when he knew they were destined to be together. He rushed to his old desktop PC, the keyboard filled with the remnants of Cheetos past, logged on to Facebook, noted again (as he always did) that he had no new friend requests, and breathlessly updated his relationship status.

    And now you know the real story.

  23. I can sort of see why Isabella did that. Maybe she thought he was just doing it to spread a rumour so that people’d be like ‘oh, he’s dating Isabella’ rather than… just cos he thought she was into him :(

  24. Wow, Sensible: That explains so much.

    And such a heartwarming story, too. Kudos.

  25. Okay maybe it was a make out session… I tend to get a little carried away with my story telling… especially when my work day is as lame as it is today.

  26. Pussy whipped Bulldog, pussy whipped.

  27. I can just feel the awkward silence. *chirp*chirp*chirp*

  28. Just checking!

  29. if Isabella didn’t call him out in public, it probably would have been half way around high school the next day , ‘oh well why didnt you sayyyyyyyy anything if it weren’t true??’ as to be David’s gf is clearly an embarrassment.

  30. Sensible = win
    I can know go on with my day knowing the real story

  31. Did I hear someone say “riding crop”?!? ;)

  32. You did. Although I prefer to do the whipping as opposed to being whipped, which is why I was concerned.

  33. I’m not sure why people are siding with david over Isabella. Why should she put up with someone publicly announcing they’re in a relationship because he ‘thought’ she liked him, when they’re not.

  34. who cares about sides… Sensible Madness’ story is the only thing worth commenting on… it’s epic, dude!

  35. The lamest thing about that was how the submitted ACTUALLY had his account set on text speak. Lame to the extreme.

  36. Sensible I loved your story!

    Also, I don’t feel bad for David at all. Any asshat that goes around changing their status when they haven’t bothered to have the “in a relationship” talk deserves to be called out on it. The level of his presumption is just creepy. He obviously has a stalker personality who fails to recognize any kind of personal boundaries and deserved to get shot down for it.

  37. MsBuzzkillington

    I agree with Riverside. Why would you want to do that?

  38. Yeah, sorry David. You do the crazy in public, you get called out in public.

    Why would anyone expect anything different?

  39. Poor guy :(

    Come over here David, I’ll comfort you.

  40. Hey slim, I guess David didn’t have the master key, eh?

  41. SomeRandomChick

    Awe. Sad face. I feel badly for him. Not bad enough for a sympathy fuck, but bad none the less. :(

  42. lol… nope… david is still trying to figure out his bike lock

  43. Squish be confuzed. An when I gets confuzed, u no itz a doozy.

    Is der sumthin goin on wit David luv wize? Is dat wat im missin?

  44. Isabella needs to remove David from her friends list before her facebook stock plummets after such an ordeal. Cartman should be able to help with that.

  45. MonkeyCMonkeyDo

    poor David. :(

  46. liketotallycool

    Nerdy guy who dreams about being with her and publicly embarrassing himself? Just bad. very bad. And not just bad for his reputation, it’s a big example for all those people who talk lyk dis & dun use gud gramer (yes I know, grammar)

  47. Gotta admit though, Clarice’s post made me laugh as much as she did at the thought of izzy going out with David.

  48. @Sensible Madness

    If you ever consider publishing a book, say:
    “Facebook – the metaphor for poorly adjusted”,
    “Facebook – the Mecca for socially rejected”
    “101 guide in interpretations of Facebook wall entries”

    I for one, would love to buy it, so give us some heads up…

    rgds and good day

  49. I am going to assume the name of this post is a pun on “Dave Eggers” who is my favorite author ever so I’m gonna give props to whichever admin chose it.

  50. I thought they got rid of “1337″ as a facebook language.

  51. I think Sensible’s account of events leading up to this post sounds very probable. I wonder if he has some personal experience which has given him this insight?

  52. I jizzed my pants when I saw this. David, you’re a legend.

  53. hahahahahahahahahahahhaha
    oh izzy…..you are now internet famous.

  54. Alen001 i too know of this website. It is shit! and you are a tosser.

  55. Wow. I didn’t even know there ever was a 1337 language setting on FB

    omg izzy..u became a celebrity now!
    i know the true story of this thing..and its absolutely ridiculous/HILARIOUS

    i can’t believe his status made it to lamebook

  57. lol

  58. Wolverine, do tell, for the lulz!

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