Lamesters Archive

No.

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no

Lamester Review:

When I was in high school we didn’t have social networking sites like Facebook.  And every day I thank God for that because if I had had access to everyone’s personal shit and a public profile of my own while those hormones were surging through my body, it wouldn’t have been pretty.  So no, I wasn’t on Facebook in high school, but I WAS aware enough to know what was considered “cool” and “not cool.”  Here are a few examples.

Getting caught spray painting your girlfriend’s name on the side of the school:  Cool.  Getting caught with a backpack full of inhalers and acne cream:  Not Cool.

Rigging your locker to immediately open when you smash your fist into it like the Fonz:  Cool.  Accidentally shitting your pants while holding your head back to dump the remaining Cheetos crumbs out of the bag and into your mouth:  Not Cool.

Letting a girl sit shotgun during one of your drag races and having a sign at the finish line that asks the girl to homecoming:  Cool.  Arranging digital crops (wtf?) from some lame-ass online video game and taking a screen shot of it to ask a girl to homecoming:  Not cool.

Bang!

lamester

Bang

Lamester Review:

As I sit on the edge of this glorious canyon with coffee in hand, I can’t help but think back to the early days of our wonderful country.  America.  The land of the free. The home of the brave.  I can only hope that the ghosts of our forefathers are in a public library somewhere today, searching through Facebook, only to stumble upon this snapshot of such a familiar scene:  An American flag, a field where perhaps a war was once fought, and a sturdy, reliable cannon … being air-fucked by a drunk sorority girl.

Smokin’ Dopes

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dopes

“Hey bitch! This weekend rocked!  I got smashed at Jimmy’s house and let’s just say the backdoor was unlocked ;) LOL!”

Ah shit, I just sent that text to my mom.

Happy Birthday?

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happy-birthday-

Oh Felicia you are definitely one for sweet birthday greetings.  I assume your message was too long to be written with icing on a cake and that’s why you posted it online instead.  Every year my grandmother sends me a birthday card and I gotta tell you, the message is NEVER as good as this!  I can only imagine what wonderful things you will have to say to your own grandchildren some day.

Also, I wish you had mentioned shooting Gandhi into outer space a while ago when he was still alive … because ironically, it’s a little known secret that Gandhi did, in fact, once wish that he could be shot into space before blowing out his 76th birthday candles.

The Internet Always Remenerbers

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the-internet-always-remembers

As history tells us, drinking copious amounts of alcohol plus transferring information from one to another never turns out well…most of the time. The same holds true for status updates. Hannah, cut your losses and fill the void with a pepperoni pizza.

Mood Swingin’

lamester

bipolar1

Hey Ahmed, if the unfortunate happens and Elaine DOES become a Period Ghost, can I recommend a romantic tune?  It’s perfect for those nights when you cuddle up with that special ghost after a nice, hot blood shower.

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