Lamesters Archive

Happy Birthday?

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happy-birthday-

Oh Felicia you are definitely one for sweet birthday greetings.  I assume your message was too long to be written with icing on a cake and that’s why you posted it online instead.  Every year my grandmother sends me a birthday card and I gotta tell you, the message is NEVER as good as this!  I can only imagine what wonderful things you will have to say to your own grandchildren some day.

Also, I wish you had mentioned shooting Gandhi into outer space a while ago when he was still alive … because ironically, it’s a little known secret that Gandhi did, in fact, once wish that he could be shot into space before blowing out his 76th birthday candles.

The Internet Always Remenerbers

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the-internet-always-remembers

As history tells us, drinking copious amounts of alcohol plus transferring information from one to another never turns out well…most of the time. The same holds true for status updates. Hannah, cut your losses and fill the void with a pepperoni pizza.

Mood Swingin’

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bipolar1

Hey Ahmed, if the unfortunate happens and Elaine DOES become a Period Ghost, can I recommend a romantic tune?  It’s perfect for those nights when you cuddle up with that special ghost after a nice, hot blood shower.

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Boring As Heel

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Boring As Heel

Everyone in my family loves Aunt Cloe. However, I don’t. She lives up north just a few hours away from New York city and you can pretty much count on her calling the family at least three times a week. She’ll talk about the time her cat Belgian brought in a field mouse … or recap the “delightful” conversation she had with the sacker at her local grocery store. The point I’m trying to make here is that she talks. A LOT. Thankfully, we have the option of hanging up the phone by “accident” when her verbal diarhea begins. Unfortunately, we all lack this beautiful gift when it comes to Facebook. Joan, do you think anyone wants to read some pointless tirade that you and your underage friends have regarding shoes? NO! Do we honestly care if your hormone-raging body can or can’t fall into step with this year’s latest fashion trends? NO!  So please save your girl talk for this evening’s nail painting session and do us the favor of not wasting our own precious time. Thank you.

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Lamesy Pamesy Wamesy

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Lamesy Pamesy Wamesy

Lamester Review:

When reading someone’s post we often don’t realize what’s going on around their computer. They may have popcorn cooking in the microwave. Maybe they’re watching another episode of CSI while listening to the latest Nickelback album. Or in this case, they may be spending time with their beloved pet. Here we see Destiny wishing her best friend a happy birthday. She’s currently speaking to her about her financial issues on the phone (which she will soon discover once she views her Facebook page). Destiny is also anxiously awaiting this afternoon in which she and “Harry” will ride in a “Mexicano Mobilleee”. But what we’re not seeing, being the quiet internet observer, is that Ballsac Sacajaweaa is perched upon her keyboard watching his beloved owner type her love and devotion to “Harry.” You see, Ballsac is the name of her hamster who does in fact have a very pronounced scrotum. So pronounced mind you, that it lays quietly on the caps lock key – its owner oblivious in her current state of loving bliss.

What?

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what

Lamester Review:

It’s not uncommon that many of us forget what the “www” stands for at the beginning of a web address. To refresh your memory it means, “World Wide Web”. That’s right. The Internet is accessible WORLD WIDE. To the far reaches of our beloved planet, the Internet has sunk its claws deep into any patch of land it finds. And here, it has found Jasmine.  Most likely, you and I will never run into Jasmine. Her exact location probably could not be discovered even by Google Earth. You see, she lives in a world that fantasies are made of. In fact, if you were to peruse her friends list on Facebook, you’d find that they are all animals. Yes, she lives with Mr. Cat. She takes a daily stroll with Mrs. Wolf and she buys groceries from Mr. Cow. To post on Facebook that someone has tried to steal her baby egg, may in fact seem lame to readers like you and I. But for Jasmine, it’s just another day spending time on her social networking.