Friday, September 18, 2009

Bring Proper English Back


previous post: Josh’s Bloody List



  1. Must be a British person.

    and i no thihs becahs most brihtihs ppl lyke tooo tahlk…
    Oh Jesus, I can’t even pretend type like that. Damn you, Great Britian!

  2. Yes we now have a whole generation of fuckwits , terrible really , makes me pine for da gut ol deiz, cwiins englishh

  3. Michael 'Squints' Palledorous

    This is wrong on so many levels. I hope this person never finds a job. Or goes on welfare. Or reproduces.

  4. I had to translate; not only to post, but moreso for myself, lol.

    Tom once went through a bad stage when he thought his life was total shit, and when he looked ahead, he could see nothing, then he looked back and saw his family and a smile started to appear…. He then turned to the right, find his mates were by his side, and the smile grew…. All of a sudden, from God it seems, he met Kirsty, and she took place to the left, now tom knows all he needs and the smile is complete…Thanks to all that pulled me through the bad times and brought the good times back :D

  5. Instant headache material.

    Too cultured for the British. I think he just bought a cheap keyboard, minus the vowels.

  6. Yeah, this sounds like chav-speak. Jesus Fucking Christ. I find it harder to type in retard than proper English.

  7. Bry – even translated it’s absolute drivel lol. But thank you; my headache is receding.

  8. Definitely chav.

  9. @STC Unfortunately, this is what most of Britain’s youth type like.

  10. Hey, I’m a member of that elusive British youth, and I manage to type normally, bar the odd spelling mistake! :P

    This guy is clearly just a moron. Probably British, unfortunately; looks like a textbook chav…

  11. Most, not all :p

  12. seems harder to type like that than to actually use English…but maybe i’m just old and cranky.

  13. I’m not even going to try to decipher this.

  14. Let’s take this to the extreme and assume Tom will, one day, become employed (highly unlikely). He needs a CV, right? Under the “languages” section would he put “English and chav” or “English and shit”?

    Actually cancel the “English”. Oh hell, just let him go on the dole.

  15. @STC @Bry Agree that Tom speaks like an a-hole and types worse, but the translated message (Thanks Bry) ain’t so bad, is it? I went to a church wedding where the groom said during his vows that with God on his right, his family and friends to his left, and his bride in front of him, his life was complete. I’m not religious but thought it was a sweet sentiment. Tom’s just trying to show, in his demented way, his appreciation for his loved ones. I say let him – he’ll need all the support he can get during his welfare days.

  16. Couldn’t he collect garbage or sweep streets?

  17. I have to say, such use of the language takes skill. I know I can’t type like that.

  18. @ESL Kid “During his welfare days” LMAO. Oh, you. You’re right, the sentiment is nice, but if you can’t read it, then it misses the mark!

  19. What an absolute cunt.

  20. And he typed all this guff in via his phone. What a prick.

  21. Those damn Chavs will be the death of us all…

  22. Someone be a dear and KILL IT WITH FIRE.

  23. It took me about 3 minutes, but I managed to read that entire thing the way Tom meant it to be read (I think), and I sounded like a complete and utter MORON.

  24. its like his fingers have a speech impediment

  25. Things like these make me give culling a second thought.

    My cousin “speaks” like this. It makes me cry for Great Britain.

  26. Actually he is probably an Australian as they have no idea how to speak English

  27. It’s like reading Old English.

  28. I don’t know what’s worse, Tom for typing this crap, or Carley for liking it.

  29. *Who’s worse, I meant.

  30. Doubt he’s Australian. Australians don’t put that much thought into how badly they can slay the English language.

    Maybe he read Trainspotting too many times and likes Irvine Welsh’s phonetic/ dialect- based approach to spelling.

    I’m getting tired of these kinds of posts to be honest. These people never have anything interesting to say. Maybe that’s why they type like that, so that others
    will actually read their shit.

  31. Tom is illiterate.

  32. @26 Andy: actually, we Australians can (generally) speak English very well, and our accent is one of the lightest in the world. And we also have one of the best literacy levels in the world, and have the best literacy rate out of any English-speaking country.

  33. @Buddy Christ

    Actually, the Australian accent is thick and heavy, like an old itchy winter coat that your aunt bought you and you don’t really ever want to wear. Let stalk strine!

  34. Okay, I can buy the argument for the high literacy rate in Australia… but the accent “is one of the lightest in the world”? Really? I mean, I realize that Paul Hogan is a tad exaggerated, but still.

  35. I’m an English teacher in an inner city comprehensive and I would like to apologise. It’s all my fault. Are McDonalds hiring?

  36. Duz yerz want fryz wi’ dat, innit ?

  37. I stopped trying to figure out what he was trying to say after the second line.

  38. I’m Australian, and i’ve never typed like that in my life, although i knew how to translate it, it still gave me a headache!!!

    im very capable of speaking English

    i’d just like to add, i have the way our accent is exaggerated! LOL!

  39. ** HATE


  40. Strine is like chalk scraping down a black board.

  41. i like this…dunno why it’s on lamebook. it’s cool.

  42. @Boz (are you the real Boz?) what I mean is that the Australian accent is very flat, which is why Australian actors can very easily imitate other accents. We are training our “accent muscle” to talk with an accent, rather than say an American who has to “untrain” that muscle.

    Well that’s what the husband of a speech therapist told me so yeah…. Oh and in regards to Paul Hogan, I do not know one Australian that has said “throw a shrimp on the barbie”, as we call them prawns.

  43. @Buddy Christ

    Yes. I don’t think the Australian accent is “flat”, whatever that means. You clip your vowels (not as much as Saff Ifirikinns though) and nasalise things that were not designed by god nor man to be nasalised. Maybe people from country X will naturally assume that country X has the best accent. Or in your case, the most adaptable accent.

    In other news, I’m actually related to some Australians, and my god they’re stupid. Really, really dense. I’m not holding them up as a representative of the entire country, though. You’re welcome.

  44. I submitted this and can confirm he is English

  45. It’s like a secret code…. only a really shit one. (but still takes me a while to work out…)

  46. @Keyser Soze…..hahahahaha safe.

  47. He could have saved us all the headache and just typed “Thanks All”… it would’ve taken just as much effort as that hot mess did.

  48. Thanks for translating, Bry!

  49. question: what is a chav

    also fuck carley, no one should encourage such behavior

  50. @Boz

    I agree that people from country X will assume that they have the best accent. And I would suggest that like all English-speaking countries, there are quite a few different Australian accents, some of them being impossible to understand. And yes I know there are some very dense Australians (just as there are dense people in every country), I know plenty of them, and they make me ashamed that they live on the same over-sized island as me. But we have the best beaches.

    Thank you Boz, for having an argument completely unrelated to the post with me, it was very enriching.

  51. It’s who I am. It’s how I roll.

  52. It’s actually a semi sweet (if cheesy) message.
    But the writing… I can just see Tom as some long, lanky git with skin full of pimples, and a face as ugly as sin.
    Kirsty is most likely fat, mousey and underage.

  53. Fuck me, if it were not for the translation above i wouldn’t have been able to read this….

  54. @oilydoily:

  55. @ STC I agree headache material indeed.

  56. @jelly – you won’t be suprised to learn you are not far wrong

  57. fck yr lf

  58. @Steve – It’s as though their image speaks to me through his prose…
    I would also like to hypothesise that Carley is illiterate – nobody who could read would “like” this.

  59. @Buddy Christ & @Boz
    A sensible and reasoned debate chaps, however may I throw APD into the mix. As an Englishman living in the country in NSW I have to put up with people with Antipodian Pronunciation Disorder all the time. Why does everybody respond with a question?

  60. Can we put Tom on Josh’s Bloody List??

  61. Toms now working in my pet shop so u can all fuck ureselves but i can confirm his birds dumped him so “e’s bak n da sht”

  62. I bet the toucan do better than Tom

  63. @Too Soon?

    It’s even worse in California. Everyone inflects upwards at the end of EVERY SENTENCE.

    “So, I was like at this store? And we were shopping? And we got this totally cool pair of shoes?” etc.

  64. @Jane Not so fast! I speak a language with phonetic approach to spelling (so there’s really no spelling at all) and I still find it hard to understand this guy.

  65. kil mi nao.

  66. Tom, you’re a prick, go to school.

  67. When you all say ‘British’ i think you should clarify – and say ‘English’.
    By the way, I don’t know if I’m still classed as ‘youth’ as I’m 20 and there’s no way I’d ever type like that. Ever.

  68. @Boz

    Awww, I’d always liked reading your posts until you lowered your usual standards and decided to insult the entire Australian population.

    We have our fair share of idiots, just like any country (most of them are in parliament). I’m sure even the USA and UK don’t have a higher proportion of idiots, despite the imported crap we see on TV here giving us the impression that they do.

    Oddly enough… I’m married to an American who says he was glad to leave all the idiots behind when he moved to Australia. I guess everyone has their own opinion, educated or not :-)

    C’mon Boz, leave off the nationality insults and just stick to your usually intelligent posts.

  69. holy fucking shit. i stopped guessin’ after the second line.

  70. @David (reply 27), That’s EXACTLY what came through my mind… Jeez!

  71. someone quick poke a hole in his head and drain out the stupid

  72. Enough with the Aussie-bashing already (which is old hat anyway as it comes from Deep Jealousy and Resentment on account of sunburnt country, sweeping plains, ragged mountain ranges, far horizons, jewel sea, et al). AS IF all the English were paragons of pronunciation and enunciation!

    “Why can’t the English learn to speak?” – Henry Higgins

  73. How can Carley like this shit?
    Tom is a wanker.

  74. Ohmy. That took a lot of brain power to decipher. Hahahaha x]

  75. Oh my god. It actually is like trying to read old English. My generation scares me

  76. Oh, shit, my nose is bleeding.
    Oh. No, it’s just my brain seeping out through my nostrils.

  77. New law.. Anyone who talks/types etc like this will be shot on sight.

  78. the ahrdest part about reading something like this is that you spend so much time trying to decipher it, and afterwards, when readng the comments about it, real words like ‘New law’ don’t seem to make any sense until you turn off your ‘dickhead internet speech’ filter…

  79. Well at least he spelled God right even though he didn’t capitalize it… Dickhead!!

  80. God fucking damn it, WHY the HELL does half the population on the internet write like that? Honestly, It hurts my brain trying to understand what the hell they’re saying

  81. i believe i’m short a few brain cells now. but congratulations, kristy. your future children with tom will probably be great scholars.

  82. my bad… kirsty. all of the bad spelling and improper grammar has rendered me dyslexic.

  83. For those who are taking a swip at the Aussies, myself included, I’d like to point out that you would actually be referring to bogans, or equivalent to chavs. The two actually speak alike. Bogans live in Austraya by the way

  84. So fucking embarassed to be Australian right now.

  85. stop being mean to us Aussies, and it is Bogans that talk like retards :D

  86. @who wants cake: I’m 24 & I wouldn’t have been able to understand a word of this had @Bry not reposted it in as proper English as possible. I think age & attitude are irrelevant here.

  87. Michael J. deManincor

    Is that Ebonic’s?

  88. This would've been sweet ...

    if it had been understandable. o~o;

  89. The fact that I could actually understand that scares me.

  90. I love how people automatically assume that because it’s terrible English, it must a Brit…

  91. I think that if it’s terrible English, it’s more likely an American than a Brit.

  92. I’m British, and sometimes I feel like an anomaly, what with being able to speak and write coherently. Sadly, there are a lot of people like Tom here. However, his typing seems more like “text speak” than any kind of regional slang.

  93. Aw come on, we aren’t THAT bad at spelling are we….??

    Actually, I take that back. *is reading her conversations on facebook and msn*

    Laura *RUSAN RULET* : hey!
    Me: Hey! darling, it’s spelt “russian roulette”. might save you blushes :P
    Laura *RUSAN RULET* : YA i No. bt i dnt cear lol :P u no me! lmoa.

    *sighs* I don’t know why I bother.

  94. That’s a mackem or a mag. 5 bucks says so.

  95. blatantly a mackem… i like how someone i assume to be american hates mackems [or even knows what one is] too!!

  96. dorty mackems

  97. @ #5: Almost there, now work on your punctuation.

  98. my head hurts……

  99. Its the fucking Beatles

    Why are you assuming this twat is a Brit? He could just as easily be an American. Stop being such a bunch of hypocrites. Britain may have it’s fair share of idiots, but you’re not exactly a nation of geniuses either now are you? ;)

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