Thursday, October 15, 2009

Awww… Love Ballads


previous post: Not the Smartest TOOLS



  1. Wow. A true romantic and a great lyricist. Where can I get a piece?

  2. Potential wife beater perhaps?

  3. Hey Nick, your lyrics suck major ass and you should consider throwing yourself out a window. Oh, don’t worry–I just meant that “figuritively”.

  4. oh, figuritively [sic]. i guess by ‘bitch’ he meant ‘love muffin’ and by ‘stitches’ he meant ‘a bucket full of my love’

  5. I want to rape him in the most figurative way possible.

  6. Well, now, doesn’t that just make a person feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
    No. Wait.
    That was the drink I had at lunch.

  7. Actually, it’s not “end up with [stitches]” I have a problem with so much as “your opinions are [as] about as valid as the last bitches” – what the hell is that supposed to be? Is that a line? Is that two lines? How does it scan? Does the first line end with ‘about’. That doesn’t work. That doesn’t exactly… er… fit the mood of the rest of the ‘piece’, does it?

    YOUR oPINions ARE aBOUT as/
    VAlid AS the LAST bitCHES ___ (blank. What goes there).

    Maybe he’s a musical genius. Maybe it’s written in 5/4 or something weird. Seriously; can anyone produce a tune which will fit that line? And what’s with the additional ‘as’ anyway? He doesn’t need it for the metre. Who talks like that? Characters in an Oscar Wilde play. How much distance does the sentence need? ‘As about as’ is twee. ‘Bitches’ is not.

    Maybe… maybe this is the next big thing. Maybe he’s reinventing music.

  8. Something tells me that neither Nick nor his bitches are in the habit of adopting valid opinions.

  9. also, i didn’t know you could end up ‘in’ stitches. maybe ‘with’ stitches. sounds like a desperate attempt to rhyme with bitches.

    then the question is, if you’re already writing the worst possible lyrics ever, why bother trying to force a rhyme? maybe i just answered my own question

  10. That’s got “first dance” music written all over it.

  11. “Litteral” as in litter? Because if songs had smells, old cat dung would be a very good description for this one.

  12. @pb

    1. Nick says “with” stitches.
    2. Having one “in stitches” means to make somebody laugh uncontrollably; it probably would have significantly lightened the tone of Nick’s lyrical content.

  13. lol. awesome, dave.

  14. I’m having major problems with the scansion.

  15. I’ve written a few songs in my time, and that just doesn’t work. I mean, it’d help if we had a tune, or even a vague idea of what genre he’s going for… it kinda works as post garage new wave industrial death hop… well… I say kinda works, I mean that “figuritively”

  16. These lyrics are only good if by “X3″ , he means X-men 3, fantastic movie, hot damn I love cyclops

  17. x3 sucked my dick.

  18. @ Duncan

    Judging by his poor grammar I think what Nick really meant was “bitch’s” – which would help this make a little more sense. But just a little…

    And no, I am not trying to turn this into a grammar post. Just helping out.

  19. Or it could be “last bitches’”, meaning several previous ladies’ opinions. I get the impression Nick is a big hit with the bitches.

  20. I like how Nick has to let us know that he’s writing a song. That’s right, bitches, he’s a song writer and he don’t need your opinions or he’ll poorly threaten you.

  21. Man, I hate people who think they can write music when they can’t even write a coherent sentence.

  22. the keep your fucking mout shut part doesn’t rhyme.

  23. Mind yourself, Aleah. Watch your fucking mouth, bitch, or Nick will figuritively stich you up. (Not litterally, though, don’t worry – he doesn’t want to mess up his mum’s sewing room, where she lets him keep his computer as long as he cleans up the wadded tissues at the end of every, err, songwriting session).

  24. I bet Kanye storms the stage when he receives his first award.

  25. I took it upon myself to record what I believe may have been Nick’s ultimate vision of the song he was in the process of recording, staying true to the post garage new wave industrial death hop genre that this lyrical work of art begs for.

    Truly, a masterpiece of lyricism.

  26. @ T.L.


  27. T.L.
    Or, ‘Nick’, you are a legend!

  28. how the fuck do you think of “better keep quiet before you end up with stitches” figuratively??

    “they’re just lyrics” last time i checked lyrics where a way of expression, so this is what you’ve expressed about yourself, nick nice one

  29. figurative stitches? maybe he meant disfigurative?

  30. @wonkavision

    No, I got that. But that won’t solve the odd number of syllables. ‘Bitches’ and ‘bitch’s’ are both bi-syllabic. As I said he could drop an ‘as’ but that still leaves him with 7 pairs which, as a prime number, is really hard to divide between two lines. So it ends up being one big 14-syllable line.

    I mean… grammar aside he must have some kind of tune in mind, mustn’t he? He must have tried singing it when he thought up the lyrics. Grammatical errors I can accept but how can someone fuck up metre when their writing it to music? Maybe he’s tone deaf? Would that do it?

    @T.L.: as-a yeah, that must be it. That line/two-and-a-half lines still sound(s) weird.

  31. I didn’t want to take credit for Nick’s masterpiece, but Audacity didn’t allow me to put a composer so I just gave him the artist credit. That way BMI won’t have to split the royalty fees when it starts getting radio play.

  32. seriously bitches, you have to read sooofucking more into them than just the fucking surface. these lyrics are fucking deep. fuck.

  33. The next -wannabe- Eminem ladies and gentlemen!

  34. Figuratively.
    Try learning what it means, Nick.
    And how to spell it.

  35. “What made you think you could control me” x3
    What, he couldn’t think of anything else to rhyme with “me” so just had to keep repeating himself?
    etc etc. Not that difficult.

  36. T.L, only 10 people were allowed to download the song. I want to hear it!

  37. Yo fuck you [insert girl's name]

    Wut, jus lyrics!

  38. i really don’t think nick knows the meaning of the word ‘figuratively’.
    that, or he’s deeper than us all.

  39. @ alie

    Given that he can’t spell it right, I’m going to go with your first guess.

  40. I decided to re-write it so that it would sound better for him.

    (Don’t take this literally),
    But why do you think that you control me?
    Selfish bitch, keep your mouth shut.
    Your opinions don’t mean anything anymore,
    Better keep quiet before you end up on the floor.

    Sigh. No. It’s still really shitty. I fail, sorry guys.

  41. Rapidshare is lame, but I didn’t expect more than 10 downloads.

    Megaupload is our friend, I guess.

    Nick Anonymous’ masterpiece, “Stitch a Bitch”.

  42. The song is really twisted o.o
    But his guitar playing is nice n.n

  43. Awesome! Thanks for posting it again. That is probably a way better rendition of those lyrics than what he was going for.

  44. duncan= teh awsomeness

  45. Man, those are simply the best lyrics I have ever read. I really hope he becomes a famous musician!

  46. Can anybody put me in touch with Nick please? I’m looking for someone to compose new original music for my wedding, and I think he really has this romance-&-lyrics thing down to a fine art. And I mean litterally, not figuritively.

  47. addicted to lamebook, please help

  48. haha thanks for making it “with stitches” TL but I think he had a nikelback tune in his head

  49. I liked it :D

    Disclaimer: The above comment may not be entirely true.

    Now I’m lame ;)

  50. Nick,

    You belong in prison.

  51. Is he a scrawny little 13 year old?
    He sounds like a scrawny little 13 year old.

  52. bitch’s*

    I’m not even going to mention the abuse of periods.

  53. He got stitches correct. Three consecutive periods would be called an “ellipsis”. The first one he tried is obviously botched, but the rest are not this “abuse of periods”.

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