Friday, November 6, 2009

Twilight Saga: TwiLite


previous post: Bloody Hell, Let the Comments Begin



  1. marry me justin.

  2. Ahahahahaha

  3. Justin is a goddamn genius. The divine in me acknowledges the divine in you, sir.

  4. I can picture sandra sitting in her room munching on some pringles, reading her twilight book.

    she stops.


    writes the status and goes back to enjoying her book.

    then Justin brings her back down to reality.


  5. Justin I will so do you man !

  6. @JAmes: That’s how it went down in my mind as well, only there was a sigh after she compared Edward Cullen to all other men. Men that likely are not, nor ever were and never shall be, in her life.


  8. ZING!

  9. you sir, are a classy gentleman! you have my blessings <3

  10. Classy.

  11. Justin FTW!!!

  12. I have never and will never read the Twilight books (I refuse to read a book that has ‘twinkling’ fricken vampires in it) and I have never and will never put such a ‘girl’ status up on my facebook.

    I’m guessing she is, what..14? And JAmes–I would say chocolate bonbon’s not pringles. And from what things I have heard of the books and characters, that Edward person sounds like a whiny manipulative person.

    Ugh. I judge people who like that book and wants their lives to be like it.

  13. Hahahahah Justin

  14. Was Justin calling her fat? Justin would be great but he’d have had to know something about the story to reference it.

  15. @Vincent

    Or watch the commercials on TV.

  16. I take it you need to be American to get this one. As I have no idea what this one is about.

  17. Yeah, Sandra, because following you around, watching you sleep, and feeling the urge to kill you is totally the epitome of what manners are all about…

  18. Boom, roasted.

  19. @Tidy: I don’t think you have to be American to enjoy this one… Sandra wishes that all men were like Edward Cullen and Justin wishes that Sandra wouldn’t eat so much.

  20. @EDUB

    But who’s Bella? The only Bella I know of is the cafe owner in Fireman Sam.

    I think I need to watch (read?) Twilight as this is the second time in less than a week that I’ve seen it refrenced on here.

  21. Bella would be a lead character from Twilight. You really don’t need to read the book…the back of the book should be sufficient to keep up with the jokes here.

  22. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

    BURN. How does that taste?

  23. EPIC. Justin ftw.

  24. my gf wants me to style my hair like jacobs.. i’d rather 69 her gran

  25. I’m surprised we’ve got this far before someone has got on the ‘bullying fat people’ high horse. Good good.

    I, for one, thought that was hilarious. Well done Justin.

  26. what the fuck is this Twilight shit?

  27. ^read the comments – its a series of books

  28. SteathBanana=WIN!

  29. I love you, Justin. That’s all.

  30. I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books I hate these books…I never believed in book burning before Twilight.

  31. And we all know good manners = abusive and controlling.

  32. Well, Femanon, it IS written by a Mormon woman.

  33. Hell, I’d say that too. How annoying is it that society is basing their ideas of what a relationship should be like off of a fiction (not to mention horribly written) book. I hope she finds her “Edward Cullen” and he drains the blood right out of her brain.

  34. Sounds like all of the blood has already been drained and replaced with ham and ill-fated hopes.

  35. Edward Cullen is my uncle.

  36. @Megan

    I agree with you completely.

  37. Comment #32 produced a nice belly laugh from me. Stephanie Meyer is about as stable as Anne Rice.

  38. Why is it always fat ugly bitches that dream of make believe romance, or end up becoming nasty lesbians?

  39. @???

    Same reason pimply wimps jerk it to Megan Fox. It’s really not that complex.

  40. Penny Lane is awesome.

  41. Justin fails. There is no such thing as a good Twilight burn.

  42. Sandra probably just killed herself. Not because of the fat comment, but by the fact that she realizes she’ll never find her Edward.

    Poor stupid bitch.

  43. If I mentioned portion control to my GF, she would kick my ass.

  44. Chris R,
    It’s not her fault that gobbling on your ‘fun sized’ dick isn’t filling and she’s still hungry afterwards.

  45. ROFL! Epic!

  46. i love these kind of blogs! They get everbody so hiped up. hey, just a quick question. Do you believe in the tooth fairy?


    fingers in ears: The tooth faries real, the tooth fairies real, the tooth fairies real, the tooth fairies rel, the tooth fairies REAL!!!

  47. Oh shhhnap!!!! talk about an Epic Fail!!!

    LOL! see, i can be funny.

  48. David Attenborough FTW!


  49. I’ve never read a Twitard book so pardon me, but I don’t get it, does Bella not eat…or…?

  50. Embarrassing admission here….I read the book. After several of my 30something year old friends begged me to because it was just that amazing. (I don’t take their book recommendations any more.) Honestly, if ever I’m praying that a man not only stalk me, but treat me like crap half the time he will publicly acknowledge my existence, I do wish someone would shoot me. But hopefully if they do, they can make a horribly lame fb update about it so it can make it here. The circle would then be complete.

    And as horrible as he is, she’s no better. The whiny little brat anyway…I have no doubt that I second-guessed myself once in a while as a teenager, but for fucksake, “will he like what I’m wearing? I’m not worth his love” boofuckinghoo. Whiny little brat anyway.

  51. just to be clear, I really wanted everyone to realize she was indeed a whiny little brat.


  52. Bella is the whiniest little bitch in all of literature. I made it through 2 and 1/2 books in the series before I just couldn’t take it anymore.

  53. Bella is a whiny little bitch (she does eat though, this guy must have been referring to kirsten stewart from the movie and how thin she is) but i still read every book cos i liked the love story. Bella was a disgrace for all women heroine figures and Edward…I don’t think he had any actualy skills aside from being really really really good looking. It was actually an incredibly shallow book.

  54. Misanrist – maybe because it’s so shallow, it’s so popular :(
    also, if Edward was so good looking in the book, how come they picked a yard ape to play him in the movie? I see at least a dozen guys better looking than that dude every day just walking down the street :P

  55. ^ You do know yard ape is a racial slur towards black people right?

    @15 I’ve seen a few of the commercials and know nothing of her or her weight. She might be that one in the commercial but I don’t know for sure because I never payed too much attention.

  56. why do so many people hate on fat woman? what did they ever do to you? are you all 13? you negative people are lame

  57. @56

    Because they’re all fat. One has a pimple, too.

  58. Edward has great manners, like that time when he chewed a baby out of his wife’s uterus. Remember that? I’m ashamed I remember that.

  59. Yikes. Book spoilers ITT.

  60. Fat women are ugly, and all women should be seen, NOT heard.

  61. ithinkthereforeiam

    @60: fuck you, misogynistic bastard.

  62. ithinkthereforeiam

    I love niggars, and let random guys knock me up so I can have abortions and eat dead bloody baby parts, cause Im a woman, and all women are equally worthless.

  63. And there is a Twilight banner at the bottom. I think Lamebook is trying to say something. Come out of your Twilight closets, you bastards!

  64. really really really ridiculously good looking *makes sour puss face*

    Twilight Zoolander style ftw.

  65. #32 ftw!!!

  66. Why isn’t justin in me this very second?

  67. “Portion control from Edward” might of made more sense – He doesn’t eat at all… Well except for blood

  68. Edward has no manners. I mean seriously, what kind of polite gentleman breaks into your house at night and watches you sleep?

    IMO he’s a fucking douchebag and he should have been burned the minute he was made. Sparkly asshole…

  69. Justin automatically loses by essentially admitting he even knows who the character Bella is.

  70. Wait, so watching women sleep isn’t polite? I always thought it was impolite to have me arrested for that. Looks like my face is red now.

    I think Edward was sort of a pushover. I mean come on, who would let their partner keep on seeing a guy that is trying to get in her pants?

    I think I just admitted too much knowledge of Twilight. FML.

  71. so i don’t understand why people love/hate these books so much… when twilight first came out i read it, disliked it but didn’t voice my opinion on the subject every where i go.
    Let the whinny tweens want their edward, wouldn’t that be an easier way for guys to know the girl is crazy. And the people who hate it so much, chill no one makes you read at all, much less twilight. SO grow up and let it go.

  72. and not only fat girls read/are in love with edward. At my school there are fat girls who read it but also very slim pretty girls, who are just as nutters about the book as the fat girls.

  73. @Jo You’re at the wrong site if you don’t want people to comment on things…that’s about half of the point. Someone posts something lame and relatively anonymous people make commentary. That’s how it goes. No one is saying that all Twilight fans are fat, simply that the post at hand refers to potential weight problems.

  74. The part the bothers me most about Twilight (yes I’m still ranting about Twilight) is not the tween/teen set that obsesses. That is nothing new. It’s the grown-ass women. The grown-ass MARRIED women who obsess about this. I have a friend whose mother (in her 50′s) has a poster of this Edward douche above her bed. And she’s MARRIED!!!

  75. I thought we stopped hanging posters of pop culture celebrities after age 12? Let me guess, she has it hanging next to the torn out page of JTT from her Tiger Beat?

  76. @12 Megan – You win. I feel exactly the same way. I judge you if you like Twilight. Sorry.

    …Wait. No, I’m not sorry. I love judging you if you like Twilight.

  77. Brilliant! I have a banner ad for a company called at the bottom of this post. I can see all the tubby munters getting really frustrated reading this post and thread, then clicking on the ‘just-eat’ fast-food delivery banner to comfort themselves.

    My missus has just watched the twilight dvd. Should I be very worried…?

  78. Everyone who even attempted twilight should die. The amount of people who have read twilight have convinced me that most if not all girls are really dumb. Thank god for people like justin.

  79. Justin know’s Twilight? LMAO

  80. Fuck you Sandra … spreading your Twilight beliefs

  81. why is there no pictures of BLACK HOT COCK in this site? i want to see some pussyfag white slave whores getting mastered and dominated by STRONG MONSTER BLACK COCKS THAT ARE HUGE THICK AND VERY FAT. I WANT TO SEE BLACK COCK FUCK TINY WHITE TEENS SLOWLY TO GET THEIR PUSSIES WATER AND JUICE white pussy cum so that black fat nigga cock can fuck it FAST AND DEEP. then i want to see some SLUT WHORE WHITE OR ASIAN HOE LICK BLACK BALLS WHILE BLACK MONSTER ABDOMINAL BLACK MAN COCK RESTS ON THEIR WHOLE FACES

  82. Sorry Francois, you spammer you. Unfortunately, this isn’t a porn site.

    Good luck in your search though!

  83. After I saw the preview for the New Moon movie I just about puked on my laptop. After reading some really great werewolf novels (Kelley Armstrong, Robert Mccammon etc.)I just can’t imagine ever reading a Twilight book or seeing any of the movies. They are definitely geared towards impressionable, daydreaming teens. Twinkle, twinkle, great big barf!

  84. i don’t care what your justification is. if you read twilight and you are over the age of 12, you’re retarded. justin is full of win, and sandra is full of self-loathing, blubber, and probably a twilight dildo.

    (yes, they make twilight dildos – )

  85. Sorry, no one likes blacks in the real world except fat women with No self esteem.

  86. @FrancoisV
    Holy fuck, you almost formed a full proper sentence…almost.
    Im proud of you!

  87. The entire current 13-16 year old male population of the world will possibly have their entire lives blighted by the fact that they will never live up to the “perfection” of a character from a book series that was popular during their formative sexual years.
    Sucks to be them.

  88. I am loving all of this Twilight slagging. I’d also like to add to the excellent comments/criticisms above that it is BORING and stupid. What does everyone think of Renesmee, the most irritating child ever created in fiction?

  89. Twilight sucks. Honestly Edward is a pansy anyway, I prefer real men myself :) Especially one that isn’t forever pulling away, following me around like a puppy dog, pulling away, puppy dog, pulling away, puppy dog…”oh shit I kissed you! ahhhh!!!”…more pulling away…”MARRY ME!”…wtf.

    And yes OOBL, but I’d rather not refer to the Twilight series as ‘fiction’, more like ‘poorly written fan fiction’.

  90. #42 PMSL
    I agree with Dee that Penny Lane is awesome.

    AND we got a whole 52 comments before someone got pissed about slamming fat people. Impressive.

  91. I meant 56! Fuck. It’s late and it’s hot. My brain has melted.
    Also, I can’t type for shit.

  92. Fuck you dolphin, fuck you whale, and FUCK you commenter 56 called, ‘Doesn’t Matter.” I hate you.

  93. win
    made me laugh forcibky
    i bet that all the girls winging are fat bitches anyways
    just because no one can see you behind a keyboard dosnt mean you can complain about those hating males that just dont understand

  94. *forcibly

  95. I predict Sandra will never, ever find a boyfriend.

  96. I want to take a melon scoop and remove the part of my brain that has to do with Twilight…people I know who read the books, Faux-Vampires that take cues from pop culture, Hot Topic, etcetera ad nausem.

    Seriously–books are escapism, I agree. But living your life about them is schizoid…

  97. oh yeah manners like this;
    “I love my girlfriend because her blood smells so darn delicious.”
    what a wonderful relationship.

  98. I fucking hate Twilight and I fucking hate all the girls that change their fucking names on myspace and facebook to ‘Mrs Edward Cullen’ or some shitburger variation of their own name, like ‘Betty Cullen’. Fucking morons – he’s a fictional piece of shit. Someone should burn all the books and DVD’s in a large bonfire along with the vast collection of High School Musical crap.

  99. #98 you read my thoughts

    fuck twilight and DEFINITELY FUCK HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and all that disney shit… fkin vampires with glitter…

  100. hahahahah damn i hope shes a big girl so it really hurts lol.

  101. Even though her face is blurred out I can tell she is probably fat.

  102. edward is how old, 100 something? and he’s what, a virgin?!? once i got to that part in the book i had to stop. it seems the only people who truly believe love like edward’s exist and those who have yet to read any form of literature other than what hot topic and seventeen vomits at them.

  103. Wow silverblink, you really read far into the book before stopping.

  104. It’s a book?

  105. I find the Twilight books creepy.

    I mean, Edward is obviously a dirty old man with control issues.

    He keeps tabs on her. He’s ridiculously older than the girl. He tells her where she can and can’t go.

    If this was a real guy and not a vampire her friends would all be giving her numbers for a woman’s shelter.

  106. my girl asked me to be more like edward
    i told her vampiress are not real
    then i told her to make me a sandwich

  107. I laughed until it hurt, and then I laughed some more.

  108. I want to start a bromance with Justin so that his pwnliness rubs off on me somehow, then I can be almost as cool as Boz (the real one, not the imposters).

  109. Thanks Tristan, I appreciate it when people recognize me over my impostors.

  110. @56

    You’re fat.

  111. Chicks who dig Twilight are, statistically, 87.7% more likely to take a cock up the ass in order to protect their vaginal virginity.

  112. @103 i worked in a bookstore where parents were asking me if the series was appropriate for their 10 year old. i was also taking two young adult literature classes….lets just say i didn’t have a choice.

  113. jeez… you people are dramatic.. it’s actually quite funny to compare you people whining about disliking Twilight and the people whining about liking it.. ;)

  114. To all of you twilight haters: Its not real, get lives instead of moaning! Losers

  115. And to all you twilight lovers: It’s not real, get lives instead of moaning! Losers

    Fixed that up for you EB

  116. I’m afraid that nowhere in my comment did I imply that I love twilight

  117. I plan on reading Twilight thoroughly so I can defend my hate. YES my hate is ignorant because I haven’t read it. I don’t need to eat a piece of shit to know it will make me vomit. But it will make me more educated on how to explain to shit eaters that what they are eating is indeed crap.

  118. What would be funny is if you liked it.

  119. What IS it with fat chicks and Twilight.


  121. I mean I get that the whole trend is starting to get old, but shouldn’t people at least be happy that kids are reading and attempting to educate themselves, at least they will end up being smart fat chicks, ones that you will eventually call boss, and kiss their fat asses while you beg to keep your minimum wage job because you never took the time to open a book, not even one that has a grade 5 reading level… I dont think someones weight reallllyyyy has much to do with their reading preferences, when did this research take place? really when?

  122. In general, it’s good that kids are reading. However, the issue here isn’t that they’re poorly written or that the vampires sparkle – if that was all that was wrong with the books, I’d take the “At least kids are reading” stance, too.

    The problem is that not only do the idealised, romanticised leads give girls completely unrealistic expectations for relationships (just as porn gives boys unrealistic expectations for sex), these guys who every teenage girl are “SOOOO in love with!” also display creepy, manipulative, and potentially abusive traits. Seriously, go find a checklist of warning signs for future abuse, and try applying it to Edward or Jacob, then ask yourself if you’d want your daughter or sister or best girl friend dating that kind of guy. THAT is what’s wrong with Twilight.

  123. God forbid Teenage girls should have standards.

  124. @jenna: But they’re not healthy standards. The kind of behavior romanticized in the books– “I want to kill you, but I won’t, because I love you… You mean EVERYTHING to me… etc.”– and the sense of ownership on the part of the male lead over the female lead are behaviors that, in real life, would indicate a potentially abusive relationship. I used to volunteer at a women’s shelter and the kinds of cultural ideas that let women think abusive behavior in their husbands’/boyfriends’ is normal or acceptable (or even desirable and manly!) when it’s, well, abusive, is NOT harmless.

  125. oh, jesus christ. it’s a storybook vampire, not the wifebeater-clad, drunken, one-armed drummer of def leppard. calm fucking down.

    the issue here is less that Edward is some creepy, postmortem, much-hotter Ike Turner waiting to jump out of the coffin and give Bella a black eye. the issue is that if Twilight is a reminder of a cultural subtext that makes girls think it’s okay to be a possession to a man, or to accept abusive, creepy behavior from a man, then we have a lot more to worry about. like commercials and other forms of advertising, books they’re reading in school, and for god’s sakes, guess-the-flabby-female-celebrity-ass on the cover of the enquirer.

    i think it makes much more sense to teach our girls how to have high standards and expectations, a realistic self-view, and how to separate fantasy from reality. then we won’t need people taking the piss out of good, fun novels.

  126. reeedins fer suxers

    Amber, yes, but those books are not good.

  127. I LOLed.

  128. Perfect!!

  129. ….sneaking in your house to watch you sleep? yeah, men should learn manners from edward. twilight is so stupid.

  130. twilight is the reason that the abusive jock men like edward and jacob get all the ladies and the nice caring men like MJ are being ignored and called names. twilight can kiss my ass.

  131. Greyhero wishes that all the Twilight fangirls would figure out that Edward is a STALKER, and the relationship between him and Bella is the most unhealthy “romantic” relationship in all of fiction!

    Also? Vampires DO NOT SPARKLE!

  132. I work at a library after school and I’m seriously tempted to take the Twishite books we have and hide them. In a hole. In Timbuktu.

  133. @Najma Please do so, and replace them with the Harry potter books! That would easily do my year, THANKS!(:

  134. I just hate the “real vampires don’t sparkle” argument. Why? Because there are no such things as vampires- sparkly or otherwise.

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