Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Quips

previous post: Let’s be Frank



  1. STEVER!

  2. To be serious for once, I must say I am freaking thrilled that this movie has finally been released. I was driven for the first time ever to hide a friend’s posts on Facebook by two weeks of idiotic & frequent status updates such as “6 days, 14 hours to go!” that I finally figured out was a countdown to the midnight showing of Twilight. For the love of IHOP, pop in a DVD of something good like Citizen Kane or Rear Window and watch that. Grace Kelly FTW.

  3. ahahaha this post is amazing! those “twihards” (ridiculous name!) make intelligent women of the world look bad.

    #1 is win.

  4. Look at all these sinners, worshiping their satanic pop-culture icons.

    Perhaps the Twilight fans of the world should consider ANOTHER super natural “bad ass” aka Lucifer aka Beelzebub aka Satan aka the Devil. Hanging with dark spirits is halfway down the road to damnation

  5. Ladies, quick tip. Taking me out to see Eclipse is tantamount to stabbing a tramp to death on the way back from a meal out and stealing all his change.

    We’ll still be going back to mine, I’ll just have lost all respect for you. Don’t worry, I’m not picky.

  6. Ladies?
    Where’d you go…?

  7. Well it seems I’m all good, dan_fargis. I don’t like dark spirits. When I’m hanging, it’s always with vodka.

  8. And here I thought I was going to Hell.

  9. Melancholy43920

    aaaand the epic fail award goes to Barbara.

  10. The loser kind of eclipse. Nice.

  11. CommentsAtLarge


    Yeah, I thought we were carpooling ;)

  12. krasivaya_devushka

    Twilight = boring.
    I don’t understand why some girls like that Edward dude and think he’s the hottest guy ever.
    He just looks…..average and…like he didn’t take a shower for 3 days with that hair.

  13. krasivaya_devushka

    Dan, you cannot be serious!
    Every comment you make is about religion. Give it a rest; no one really cares as this is the wrong site for you to discuss that. Ever thought of it that way?

  14. dirtylittlepretty

    three things.
    1) Dan…shut the fuck up, pretty please.
    2) all lame today
    3) Tyleena?? Christ!

  15. Comments, ditch the bourbon, and we still can. We’ll head somewhere more temperate.

  16. I honestly have no idea what Barbara is saying.

  17. Dan your childish and pathetic attempts at trolling are boringly transparent and unoriginal.
    You have yet to impress me with anything you have said.

    On a brighter note…I can’t wait to see Eclipse! Love the books, love the movies. Its my guilty pleasure.

  18. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    I for one am actually starting to enjoy Dan fargis’ posts, It must be some kind of malteaser-like thing.

    If it helps you guys, think of Dan as one of those really old guys that always starts a sentence with ‘Back in my day kids didn’t …’
    Don’t worry guys, at least we know he doesn’t have a pool .

  19. dan_fargis_is_ugly

    Didn’t think it was possible for someone to seem more unintelligent than the Twilight freaks, but Barbara managed to get that job done.

  20. @slippyslappy – Oh geez… I thought Dan was sort of kidding.

    And I really hope the second part of your post is a joke, because… well, Stephenie Meyer and her “books” are the biggest joke of the decade.

  21. Bourbon and ‘lacs word, bourbon and ‘lacs. In fact, you can hop in the back.

    Other then that, i REFUSE to believe that someone was capable of creating a sparkly vampire. I hope you rot in limbo. Hell is too fucking awesome for the likes of you, and I don’t want to risk being on the same level either. That would be torture unto itself.

    Also, Happy Canada Day everyone!

  22. Krazy Eyez Killa

    My favourite twilight moment was when I lifted a ceiling tile up and hid a co-workers book up there. True story.

  23. I agree with Jerry, my take on it is that saying Eclipse is the best one of the 3 is like saying that lung cancer is the best kind of cancer to get.

    Also yeah, wtf is Barbara even saying?

  24. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    Happy Canada day Nuff

  25. Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Twilight rants are getting a bit old, but I love “Sparkle-Douche” so much I might just change my name to it.

  26. CommentsAtLarge


    Right then, Vodka it is. As far as more temperate, it’s a good time of year here in Southern California. Come on out, we’ll do our part to keep up the American-Austrailian realtions.

  27. ARGHH… more Twilight. My cousin ordered her tickets ahead of time so she was sure to see the midnight showing. I just don’t get it at all. Robert Pattinson looks too sickly for my tastes.

  28. The tween girls who read this crap and scream to each other in long lines about how dreamy the sparkly vampires are while they wait to sit in a movie theater for 90 minutes having age-inappropriate thoughts about the actors don’t bother me. This is, essentially, what being a tween girl is all about: Getting overly excited about utter trash that’s been shaped by legions of marketers specifically to appeal to their hormone-addled brains. Tiger Beat magazine and Justin Bieber survive on this very phenomenon.

    No, they don’t bother me. They’re annoying, but I get where they’re coming from and I forgive them knowing that eventually they’ll grow out of it and be utterly humiliated by how worked up they got over such tripe.

    The ones who really make me weep for humanity are those girls’ mothers who are reading those same books, waiting in those same lines, and having those same age-inappropriate (for entirely different reasons) fantasies about those same actors.

  29. Thanks Dukey!

    No way Super Nintendo Chalmers, that name is far too awesome!

  30. Derek made me giggle.

  31. Sensible Madness, it’s amazing how well you can make sense out of all this madness. I applaud you and always look forward to your posts.

  32. My cousin is one of those age inappropriate mothers… way too old to be so into the whole damn thing.

  33. I agree with Sensible Madness, my next door neighbour has had her midnight Eclipse tickets booked for weeks, and she’s in her thirties. I find that far scarier than any bunch of 13 year olds in their Team t-shirts.

  34. The fact that only one person has named Fargis a troll as of yet is saddening.

  35. Team Buffy? Bullocks and shitacki mushrooms! Anybody with a gram of sense would go for Team Dracula.

    Twilight sucks. Whatever happened to vampires and werewolves that terrified us and gave us nightmares AND MADE CHILDREN WET THEIR BEDS?

  36. Dan probably went to Jesus Camp. You should watch the documentary. I still have yet to see it myself, but I sure want to.
    He reminds me also of the show Moral Oral (Orel?)

  37. @ I am not here- I’m blaming Angela Sommer-Bodenburg. She’s written a series of books for children from the late seventies which involve vampire children befriending a human boy. I used to read them as a kid, and I wanted a vampire best friend too.

  38. @Dan_fargis Beelzebub =/= Satan

  39. I watched the first movie ONLY because I had an early crush on Robert Pattinson the actor (not Edward…Robert), but then after watching it I wanted to know what happened next so then I got caught up in the books. But all the hype, teenage drama, and crazed fans that surround these movies makes me not want to watch them at all. I’m just so sick of hearing about it and seeing clips of the movie over and over. And to think that they are gonna stretch the last movie (Breaking Dawn) into two films just seems like overkill to me. And even Volvo keeps replaying their Eclipse car commercials trying to get involved in the money-maker that is Twilight…I’m just so over it all.

  40. BTW, if you want a good vampire movie watch the Lost Boys with Kiefer Sutherland…I have seen it countless times and still scares and entertains me as much at 25 as it did when I first watched it as a child :)

  41. Yes, what Sensible Madness said!

    Those “retarted” moms are the same ones who have Muppets on their checks, insist that Lady GaGa does make good music, and let teen daughters shop at Victoria’s Secret because they want to be “friends” with the kid.

  42. @southerngirl

    ‘Lost Boys’ sucks wind wind compared to ‘Near Dark’ which came out in the same year. God bless Jenny Wright. As for ‘Twighlight’ …..that sucks a pure methane fart compared to ‘Lost Boys’. So you have a good point.

  43. Sigh. ‘Twilight’.

  44. I read the Twilight novels before the movies were released and found them pretty entertaining, but the movies are really disappointing – I didn’t even bother watching new moon after seeing the trailer. The movies are soap operas that cater to tween fan girls cos that’s who brings in the money. Southerngirl is right about the fans, I really don’t want to be associated with them. And I’m a guy so it’s even worse :/

  45. BTW, after watching so much 24 I don’t think I can see Kiefer Sutherland as anyone but Jack Bauer, lol.

  46. @totalpixie
    Sure, we can blame her!

    Wait a minute…that sounded familiar, so I looked up the author. I’ve never read any of the books, but The Little Vampire came out as a film when I was in junior high, and I saw it then and thought it was kind of good. Um…BUT THAT’S DIFFERENT! The vampire family there doesn’t like being vampires because vampires are freaking terrifying to humans, and they all end up dying as vampires and coming back as humans in the end!

    Can we compromise and blame the people who forgot the whole “turning into humans because they don’t like being terrifying” ending?

  47. Jack Bauer is Kiefer Sutherland.

    Lol @ BNortyBNoggin. I just imagined you facepalming at that, and crying a bit inside because you spelled the movie that shall not be named wrong.

  48. @slippysloppy – ironic that you’d call someone childish and then go see Twilight. It’s quite delicious actually.

  49. @ I am not here…welllll the books weren’t like that..the family were kinda evil, and Rudolph and Anna had to like, keep their relationship with the human boy Tony a secret so their vampire family didn’t eat him.

    I think maybe they changed the film so all the vampires were ‘good guys’ instead. But I’m sure I remember one particularly memorable scene with vampire cows.

  50. @totalpixie

    Hm, now that you said that, I think the family was evil in the movie, too. Yep, that sounds about right, and I vaguely remember Rudolph trying to hide the boy, and then freaking out because he thought Anna was going to kill him, but she didn’t (I might’ve made that up). Even in books and movies where vampires befriend humans, vampires are freaking scary. The vampire cows were in the film…it was an odd scene.

  51. “Anyone who likes something I don’t is a moron!”

    That’s what I read, at least.

  52. Whenever I hear the title “twilight” it makes me go PISS! SHIT! ASS! like the tourettes guy. And anit kidding!

  53. @iloveyoink
    me too, and where’s yoink?

    STFU already! you’re such a ‘penus’

  54. @ I am not here, I can’t remember the film too well…the vampire cows were pretty much the only thing that stuck in my head. The books were awesome though, I’m feeling rather nostalgic now.

  55. I own all the twilight books (Christmas present), and have read them all a couple of times. They’re no worse than any chick lit, easy to read, requiring no thought, good for a quick read (I love books, and always have one in hand, but sometimes you need something easier).
    The films are shocking. I say films, I was talked into watching one and was horrified. I refuse to watch the others, simply because reviews have said she is the best actor of the three, which does not bode well at all.

    I find it amusing however that it is fashionable to bash twilight, when Harry Potter is revered above all else.

    BritishHobo – how about I take you to see Predators, or The Tournament instead?

  56. @BNortyBNoggin…I may have to check that out. Most movies don’t scare or entertain me at all anymore, but Lost Boys was just one that stood out for me. Probably because when you watch something when you’re young it sticks with you :)

  57. Vampire film? Interview with the Vampire is the best. The only problem I have with it is Brad Pitt has looked better (I know he’s a vampire, but that’s no excuse). To some, Kiefer may forever be Jack Bauer, but for me, Brad will forever be JD from Thelma and Louise with the best abs EVER.

  58. Mukunoku, yoink is away getting his shaft polished by his girlfriend for a long night of boinking. Duhhh. Iloveyoink isn’t even on the same boat as me.

  59. yeah nuff i was now home an nakered im qwite lucky my gf dunt like twilite

  60. The time wasted bashing Twilight is as lame and moronic as the time spent obsessing about it.

  61. krasivaya_devushka

    Look at you all nerds readin’ & all.
    Lol just joking. :D

    I watched the first Twilight movie when it came out on DVD, and yeaaaah, in my opinion, it sucked! I couldn’t believe there was so much hype over that.

  62. @ Word..It took me a long time to like Interview with the Vampire, it was drastically different than the book. I’m a purist like that though. I don’t mind when movies cut some parts out, cuz you never can get something exactly the same way, but I hate it when they completely change the story.

    Which is one of reasons I like the Twilight movies. The books are mindlessly entertaining. Not much different from the Harry Potter series which I also enjoy (though they certainly don’t compare in storytelling wonder to HP) but they are also an easy relaxing read. The movies are the same for TV.

    @Dan Fargus, The best you can come up with is saying you find it ironic I called you childish and like Twilight? I realize you have no sense of humor, but do you also have so little sense? Anyone that enjoys a children’s book must be a child? If that’s true then guess what all the wackjobs are out there who read the bible? The biggest book for children of all time.

    That was so lame I’m not even insulted, just entertained. And I hope you do find it delish…just don’t enjoy it so much that you masturbate to it. That’s a SIN you know.

  63. If you really want to cash in on the movie that shall not be named, is to make a Porno o… Why did my phone just auto-capitalize porno? Back on track now; of it. Bitches be buying that shit like it’s the new must-have dildo fresh out the factory. Hell, it will even come WITH a dildo! For the guys too, because you know they’ll be batting for team edwuardo and jacko. There will even be a gay scene for that special niche, and Bella gets r… I’m just gonna stop before someone steals this multi-billion dollar idea.

    BTW, you are lucky for that yoink. Almost finished work! Got ma’ booze waitin’ in the trunk!

  64. i am lucky wiv my gf ina lota ways nuff an ur at werk late i got werk in tha mornin to shud relly be asleep but its to hot an fans to noysey annoin

  65. an nuff i wud totaly wach that virson of twilite looooooool

  66. I wish I was your “gf”, yoink. ):

  67. It’s only 5:45pm where I’m at. Just sucks that I’m working ona stat holiday. Oh well, time and a half. Bling bling, dolla dolla, lol. We’ve been getting pretty decent temperatures here yoink, rained a bit today though but no heat bad enough to make sleeping difficult. That sucks.

  68. loooooooool y iloveyoink?

  69. slippyslappy, yes, Interview is definitely a film that’s appreciated with subsequent viewings, and I’m with you on the purity thing, most books are adapted very badly. Best film adaptation ever is The Godfather. At the end of the day, the book doesn’t really matter as the film and its sequel are perfection (I disregard the 3rd one).

  70. ye nuff i hate bein to hot its alrite if ya cold u can warm up but in the hot weaver u can do nuffink

  71. Because you’re beautiful, yoink. Dat’s y. Init.

  72. That python might break you in two iloveyoink.
    And thanks for the support yoink! It will include a bonus DVD with bloopers too like edwuardo getting glitter in his eyes and botching about not being able to see.

  73. lol i anit butiful im jus standard init lol

  74. yeah nuff but i stil dont see wimen wachin it they neva wana wach porn

  75. nuff, 4th July holiday weekend, hey? Lucky you. It’s ee’s birthday on the 4th. I think that’s quite fitting really.

  76. Ask wordpervert how much porn she watches yoink.

  77. wordpervert how much porn ya wach? she a she? iv neva met a fem tthat waches it gf sais its made for men

  78. nuff, I was watching Zombie Strippers this morning. Not exactly porn, but good for laughs and fake boobs.

  79. wow u strate wordperv?

  80. My fair share.

  81. wow thats awsum i neva get my gf tho she sais shed make sum but she woodnt wach any i relly dunt get that?

  82. Yes yoink, but I like boobs.

  83. boobs are awsum i wish men had boobs id play wiv em all the tyme if i had em

  84. Girls can like porn, tell your girlfriend it anit a sin.

  85. krasivaya_devushka

    hahaha where is this conversation going?

  86. I’ve been known to grab my own throughout the day, yoink.

  87. yeh but she sais it dunt do nuffin for her word :(

  88. fink id walk round cuppin em loooool

  89. There’s some good stuff out there, yoink. Start with some soft porn, a bit of girl on girl action or something. Ease her into it.

  90. Happy Canada Day to you too, Nuff! =)

    I submitted the third post! Though when submitting, I thought it was too lame for lamebook…but oh well!

    @ melpomene
    Though Harry Potter is a young adult’s book and some are fanatics about it, at least the writing is fluid, has depth, and character development. It’s QUALITY writing (and quality movies, acting, etc.) VS. Twilight: No character development (at least past Edward’s physical appearance lol), and the movies are really, really bad. I tried watching one once. I had to then quarantine the room I was in, it was that bad.

  91. And Yoink, I’m a straight woman and I like porn. Good times, man.

  92. yoink, my hands naturally gravitate to the chest area. It can be mine, or some other female in my vicinity. Never had any complaints.

  93. yeah mite try word but dont get y she sed she wil make sum but not wach any isnt makin it werse than wachin? an bry wow so do a lot of fems like it?

  94. dunt blame ya they feel nice an the skins nice textya

  95. nuff, apologies, you’re Canadian. Happy Canada day instead.

  96. I’m with word and bry, I’m a straight woman and I enjoy my fair share of porn too.

  97. yoink, you should call her bluff about making porn, see if she’s really up for it.

  98. Yoink porn is the best. Many girls get off on it. My guess is she is just uncomfortable about watching it with you. I especially believe that since she said she’d make a porn but not watch one.

    I agree you just have to ease her into it. Maybe leave a dvd or two at her house accidentally on purpose or something.

    On a side note, soft core porn is not girl on girl action. Soft core porn starts out with major romantic and sensual story lines. With lots of fore play.

    Personally, I’m into guy porn, the harder and nastier the better.

  99. @ Word, I didn’t know that the Godfather WAS a book! Hmm interesting!

  100. guy porn like guy on guy?? yeah fink i will cal her bluff but dunt wana push my luck wiv her to much looool she prety good bowt most fings

  101. slippy, I agree with you on most things, but girls together is pretty soft for mine, it is basically foreplay, unless there’s some major equipment in the mix, then it gets interesting.

  102. slippy, by Mario Puzo.

  103. Most girl on girl is quite soft and most girls I know don’t mind a bit of girl on girl action (even if they won’t always admit it)

  104. word, how old are you? ballpark figure..?

    (you don’t sound like too much of a ‘lady’ to be offended by that question ;-) )

  105. really you guys? i hate girl on girl action. Its boring. I like a guy in the mix.

    Yoink, I don’t mean guy on guy porn. I guess I think of guy porn as the really hard nasty porn vs girl porn which is all soft with too many props and not enough roughness, cheesy music, and plot lines that take up more of the movie than the sex does.

    Word, I suppose some girl on girl can be pretty soft. Or maybe it just seems that way because they don’t have dicks haha

    But I think soft core porn has an actual definition…hold on, I’m gonna check.

  106. slippyslappy likes belladonna. ;-)

  107. Softcore pornography, also known as Soft Porn, is a form of filmic or photographic pornography or erotica that is less sexually explicit than hardcore pornography.

    hmmm this is not what I had in mind. I suppose I think soft core porn is simply “nicer sex” vs hard core which is dirtier, raunchier and much “meaner” sex.

  108. Not offended, alord. Ballpark? Nowhere near just coming out of school, and nowhere near retirement. That ballpark enough for you?

  109. :-)

    you’re one of the very very few people on here that i actually try to imagine sitting at your computer typing your messages.


    soup, sensiblemadness, hobo, yoink the others.

  110. @ Alord…you’re probably not wrong.

  111. alord, not creepy. I imagine only a few myself. I used to imagine you, and I’ve seen you now, and I’m not disappointed. I don’t think you would be either. I’d like to think so anyway.

  112. maybe word looks like belladonna….?

  113. whatever you look like, word, that’s one sexy come-on.

  114. alord, well thanks. Re Belladonna: same hair colour/length, but nothing fake here. It’s the real deal.

  115. but that’s not belladonna’s strength anyway. her strength’s in how….. accommodating she is. and that’s important. a guy needs to feel welcome!

  116. I’ll lay down the welcome mat for you any time.

  117. By the way, your song is excellent.

  118. i think i just shuddered. i’m an old romantic.

    whenever you see this scenario on tv, the sexy velvety voice is actually a fat 50yr-old with a fag on and three noisy young kids screaming and running round the tr ailer.
    i watch and slap my face in frustration, decry the naivety of said telephoning callow youth &c &c

    but now i’m actually in it, i mean really IN it, the milk and honey, all of it… i feel like a kid in love.


  119. i think i just shuddered. i’m an old romantic.

    whenever you see this scenario on tv, the sexy velvety voice is actually a fat 50yr-old with a f a g* on and three noisy young kids screaming and running round the tr ailer.
    i watch and slap my face in frustration, decry the naivety of said telephoning callow youth &c &c

    but now i’m actually in it, i mean really IN it, the milk and honey, all of it… i feel like a kid in love.


    *this was moderated. in english it means cigarette, not that word which rhymes with duomosexual.

  120. alord, omit the middle paragraph, and that’s me back at you. It’s been that way for a while. I’ve just never told you… until now.

    The jig is up.

  121. ah well. the jig was good while it lasted.

    by that i mean i had sufficient time to crack one off before you disabused me of my dreamy notions. :D

  122. oh god. now i get it. you mean you think I’M a 50yr old internet perv/truck driver/ supermarket checkout man who lives with his decrepit old mother, and clicks a mousepad with one hand whilst scratching his balls slash eating a pot noodle or similar microwave meal with the other who masquerades as a sexy attractive young rock star?


    you wish that were true. it’d be easier for you to handle. ;)

  123. clicks a mousepad!!?!

    i’m baked. we’re all baked in that video. i would ask if you could tell, but insults and intelligence don’t mix well.

    sweet dreams. good night to one, and all.

  124. I think you too tired to get my meaning. We’ll save it for another time. Bye for now.

  125. I’m absolutely shit-faced, but this conversation between everybody made me laugh my drunken ass off

  126. It’s funny how it all starts about the original post and gradually starts to be about yoink and whoever yoink has going with him! Love it. Good job yoink! Intentional or not.

  127. I am astounded that other people know who Belladonna is… I don’t feel like such a porno whacked girl now… word, I do stand in astonishment. I am blasted and for anyone who read the earlier posts, you know why. Regardless, I love porn. I am going to go watch some now. See y’all in the morning :D

  128. god i hate twilight

  129. I’m sad in that my BOYFRIEND actually keeps saying ‘I’m going to drag you to see the new twilight movie’ and I keep replying with ‘Eugh, can’t I stay in and play call of duty?’
    I hate you stephenie meyer.

  130. It’s ok amtrak. I had a boyfriend once who dragged me to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

    I dragged him to see Episode 3 of Star Wars (yeah, it was obviously a while back), and I should have known that I needed to end it when he asked me if there had been an Episode 1 and 2.

    Although, in his defense, Episodes 1 and 2 were pretty lame, considering.

  131. Hahah guinevere! Being a geeky girlfriend is amazing!
    Having a chick-flick boyfriend kind of sucks :(

    Although, I’m trying to convince mine that Harry Potter is worth much more than Twilight. He thinks ‘Harry Potter sucks’ even though he hasn’t read it. I think he’s a twi-hard 15 year girl at heart!

  132. Right, well you two have weird boyfriends…
    AND Twilight sucks.
    I’m glad we’ve cleared this up!

  133. Eh Twilight = crap. I want a real vampire movie where they didn’t give a shit about your feelings, they just wanted to suck your blood :)
    In the Lost Boys, they had to stay in a cave because they couldn’t go into the light. In Twilight they go to fucking high school! WTF

  134. Oh dan_fargis you’ve out done yourself, “satanic pop-culture icons” is perfect.

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