Thursday, August 23, 2012

Lamebooker Challenge: Lost in Translation

Help us translate this submission into English.
Whoever has the best translation wins 10 internets!

Find out the winner of the previous Lamebooker Challenge here!

Find out the winner of this challenge after the jump!

Votes have been tallied! Congratulations nakedsnail! You’ve won with the following translation:

Meet your new obsession: Kayleigh, also known as “Kaely” or “Breezy”.

Keep your mouth closed unless an opportunity of a male member presents itself to you. Do not listen to rumours but judge my actions for yourself.

I am currently single; although many things trouble me, I do not have a boyfriend to worry about.

Would you like to go on a date with me? Sorry, but I’m out of your league and have a reputation to uphold.

I am amazed by the fact that many of my actions are unpredictable. I may be small, but I have won a few fights, probably because I am not worried if I get hurt.

It irritates me when other people slander my name, I can tell when people are lying and it makes me angry. If you have a problem with me, I would rather you addressed the issue to my face instead of talking behind my back.

I can guarantee that you are a woman of ill repute, and I will punch you extremely hard for no reason. I smoke marijuana but I do not take any other drugs. I have been known to experience extreme mood swings, psychopathic and stalkerish tendencies.

My words and actions may shock you, but when I am happy, you will smile too – I have that effect on people. I am an imbecile, and utter such idiocies you will never be able to wipe from your memory. I drink too much and usually end up in a pile of vomit (hopefully my own) at the end of a night out.

I frequently make fun of others, but if you do not appreciate bullying then you should stay away from my social media page.

I am a misogynist and feel threatened by others of the same sex. Women are cruel and do not uphold a good reputation. I also have trust issues, and prefer my own company for fear of getting hurt. I am emotionally stunted and cannot handle any situation that requires empathy.

I do not care what other people think of me, as long as they do think about me. I am not dependent on anybody and fear emotional intimacy. You cannot make an impression on my life. When people say mean things about me, I am not insulted, but entertained. If you try to take advantage of me, you will be making a mistake, because I am an expert in taking what I want and delivering cutting remarks.

I have cultural identity and self esteem issues. When I am in a relationship, I submit completely to a man, but before you approach me I would advise that you find out more about me, as I have been in trouble with the police many times.

Whether or not I have been good or bad to you, I will stay in your memory for these rest of your life; I am unique, crazy, and mean, and will leave you questioning your sanity.

I was born in 1994, am writing this in 2010, and reserve the right to ownership of this autobiography.

previous post: Complicated

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89 Comments

  1. Acquaint yourself with your most recent infatuation; Kaely.
    I am oft referred to by the allonym “K Breezy”. That is my preferred moniker. Please refrain from putting my name into your mouth, as it is not a penis. Vehemently disregard what you have harkened upon, and rather, behold what it is that you see with thine own eyes.
    At present, I am unwed. I have one less than five-score issues, not one of which involves the male reproductive organs. Would you be so inclined as to verify the confidence, style, and perhaps arrogance belonging to me? However, verification may be unnecessary, as the level of the forementioned

  2. Hi, I’m a young lass and still trying to find my identity in a world that is so fucking hard to fit into. I’ve found writing to be a good medium to express my feelings and just because I don’t conform to standard spelling gives you no right what-so-fucking-ever to judge me. Most importantly, whether or not I’ve found my own identity, I am honest, I am most definitely my own person and I will not bow down to the hypocritical degenerates we are all forced to deal with from day to day.

  3. Acquaint yourself with your most recent infatuation; Kaely.
    I am oft referred to by the allonym “K Breezy”. That is my preferred moniker. Please refrain from putting my name into your mouth, as it is not a penis. Vehemently disregard what you have harkened upon, and rather, behold what it is that you see with thine own eyes.

    At present, I am unwed. I have one less than five-score issues, not one of which involves the male reproductive organs. Would you be so inclined as to verify the confidence, style, and perhaps arrogance belonging to me? However, verification may be unnecessary, as the level of the aforementioned attributes I possess are extremely palatable, and upon inspection you will find that there be no blemish on my self, nor my reputation.
    All that is required of me to proclaim is, “Be damned, Gucci!”.

    I am the monarch of unpredictable circumstance. Though my stature may be lacking, I bear no insufficiency in brawn. The truly madcap nature belonging to me promotes unaided sufficiency. In instances wherein others speak ill, I am of an abhorred countenance. Due to the fact that yonder location bears the odor of a feline, I must say, good sir, “May a breachment of your unmentionable areas befall you!”.

    Do you have anything you wish to mention concerning me? Huzzah! Be free to profess it! Do not merely soliloquize, but take action! At all times, you bear resemblance to women of the evening, and I shall strike down upon you in a fashion more severe than the plant materials I set aflame. I am not one to partake in other substances. Perhaps I have lied, for I do partake in other substances now and again. Such substances include those that compel me to arrive at your gate and declare, “Good evening, and how are you this beautiful night?”. It is these very same substances that have at one point or another encouraged me to pick up arms, causing great alarm and frightened dismay, while yielding criea of, “No! This is very rude indeed!”.

    I find myself to be in full support of the production, harvesting, and utilization of plants- particularly those of the female cannabis variety. I am indisputably the most brazen of all. If you be a man of wagers, profit may be made in placing your fortune on the side of confidence in my smile’s ability to afflict others. My moments of absentmindedness, attributed to the hue of my hair, rival those of myth and legend, and my libatious celebrations are in every instance carried out to an extreme. I adore a good jest, and if you find that you do not share my love, than I must inquire- Why is it that you are on my page? I kindly request that you leave at once.

    I am a misogynist. I profess this title proudly because I am of the belief that they [women], in their entirety, are unwelcome purveyors of slander. There be not a single person I give credence to. When it comes to my avocations, I am of a mind to remain solitary, especially on roads. I despise dramatics, so if you be a playwright or actor, cease and desist when in my presence. You may disagree with my sentiments, but whether it be adoration in your heart, or malice, thoughts of me shall remain. You have my assurance that you shall not be the one to build me up or tear me down.

    I have profound affection for those who find they cannot show affection for me- for those people provide me with amusement, from the rising of the sun until it’s setting in the west. Fool me, you say? I shall fool with greater conviction. Sabotage my business arrangements? No! I will simply forget about the affair and handle business pursuits with more vigor. I think you will find that this ivory skinned lady is accommodating and accepting, and she’ll never be false to you. It would be in your best interest to contact me at once. Before you speak with me directly, perhaps some other means of communication may be employed, so you may learn what you can about me prior to meeting. You have my word of honor that I am of a negative demeanor, and memories of me shall not idly fall, whether they be fond or recalled with ill-regard. It is undisputed fact that in this world exists only one of me; a petite, young lady who’s sanity is questionable, yet who maintains the ability to leave one awestruck.

    This autobiographical work, begun in 1994 and completed in 2010, is under strict ownership of Kaely.

  4. ^dunno what to say about this one. tl;dr doesn’t begin to do that crap justice.

  5. but, fucking hell, crusty, old son!
    spot on.

  6. … (rubs eyes. looks again) … (sighs and moves on)

  7. Translation: “I do anal.”

  8. MsAnneThrope you are quite clearly a moron, so get off your high horse and stop comparing light hearted mockery to child abuse. The girl in question may have been 16 when she wrote this, (and i believe that’s old enough to know better) but she’s 18 now so technically there are not even any ‘children’ involved.
    Since you were so eager to accuse lamebook commenters of child abuse and didn’t even read the text itself you may not have noticed that the post is anonymous so I fail to see how anyone is being bullied.
    Pretty sure the FBI don’t give a shit so stop referring to these vague ‘laws’ to try and back up your trolling.

  9. Meet your new obsession, Kaely.
    Also know as Cunt, that’s my namesake. Unless it happens to be a phalas then please refrain from putting it in your mouth.
    Disregard what you may have heard and acknowledge what you see for I am currently single. I have a few issues but can confirm that I am neither transsexual or a hermaphrodite.
    You’re curios as to my attire, that is understandable, believe me that is now a stain or typo, this happens to be knock-off Gucci.
    I am principally haphazard and, despite my small stature, I am rather tough. Team player I am certainly not.
    I despise those who pontificate negatively about me, the putrid stench of Vagina, and that painted man yonder.
    I respectfully request that those who would like to discuss do so with decorum, remembering that actions speak louder than words.
    Those whom take up said offer could be deemed a lower class citizen whom I shall strike with a force equal to a cloud of decal smoke.
    Let me lay out a scenario:
    – I’m strongly opposed to any drugs other than “the chronic”
    – I retract my last point
    – I often answer the door with my firearm in situe, safety first
    – I’m a huge fan of Gordon Gecko
    – I’m terrible entertaining at parties
    – My smile just might be as contagious as my STD ridden body
    – I sometimes have lapses in common sense, these are well renowned
    – At most soiree’s I drink and drug to excess
    – I have a sense of humour and have no time for those who lack one
    – I’m some what of a misogynist and ever so slightly paranoid
    – I’m not one for drama and would prefer if people didn’t air their dirty laundry in public
    – Marmite, despite your point of view it make one ponder
    – I am fairly resilient and industrious
    – I’m friendly, approachable and memorable
    – You can’t have the rainbow without the rain
    – I am truly unique, spontaneous and sure to leave a lasting impression.

    I wrote this memoir in 2010, and am now 18. All rights reserved.

  10. So she wrote in when she was sixteen and technically a child. So? She’s eighteen now. I look back at the things I did when I was sixteen and I’d like to punch myself in the face, and I sure wouldn’t be able to defend it if people decided now to make fun of something I did then. Nobody is “cyberbullying” anyone, and there’s certainly no “abuse” going on. And if I had to guess, based solely on the name Kaely and this block of ridiculousness, I would bet that she is the kind of chick who went out of her way to make life, REAL life, absolutely miserable for the people in her school she deemed “losers” or “nerds” or “fat” or “ugly.” The type of people who are victimized and bullied for real don’t typically write this kind of drivel, but those who are so full of themselves and more than willing to do their best and go to extreme, cruel lengths to make others miserable sure as fuck do.

    Someone who is, or was, undoubtedly a bully for real doesn’t generate sympathy from me because some strangers she doesn’t and will never know made fun of her behind her back, in a way she’ll probably never even learn about, because she decided to broadcast to the entire internet world that she thinks she’s some tough hard bitch with a learning disability.

  11. Translation:

    Meet the biggest idiot on the street, Kaely.
    I’m a preschool dropout because I’m the dumbest fucking cunt on the block. I suck dick for crack and take it up the ass. I’m a worthless waste of air and should probably go play in traffic. I hope someone reads this realizing how stupid I am and ends my misery. I’ll never achieve anything other than helping doctors track every STD known to man and then some on a single person. I hate my life, and I won’t ever become anything more than a ghetto fabulous piece of shit worthless hoe who sucks dick for drugs. Please end me.

  12. Translation:

    I’m a stupid hoe, I’m a I’m a stupid hoe.

    That is all.

  13. Hi,I never went to school.

  14. #60;- just because you are involved in a crime, and declare yourself innocent, doesn’t change the fucking facts.
    so calm the fuck down. what you did was illegal. end of story. ignorance of the law is no defense in a court of law.

    why am I even wasting my fucking breath with you? you’re a fucking onion. a vegetable.

  15. “… I look back at the things I did when I was sixteen and I’d like to punch myself in the face, and I sure wouldn’t be able to defend it if people decided now to make fun of something I did then…
    —————————————————————

    I submit that you’re a fucking coward if you don’t come through on this, onionbreath.
    go on, I fucking dare you to put some testicles behind your bland-faced coward’s statement.
    then I can write a ‘funneh’ about how you should take it up the arse for pocket money.
    dude, it’ll be a fucking riot.

  16. who let msannthrope loose on the internet? what a fucking joke. takes one half-ass glance at the block of clusterfuck text and surmises Kaely is “obviously” black, gives a brilliant psychoanalytical diagnosis for Kaely’s disorder as being caused by “centuries” of racial profiling, suppression, and skin-color-based stereotyping, and then has this laughable, bloated and sadly misguided sense of authority with which he (she? it?) attempts to speak legalese and incite fear amongst the posters for “internet crimes against a child”.

    I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER

  17. ^ I refuse to read a full fucking paragraph that blatantly has no soul.

  18. Whore.

  19. I think red head is simply fucking burning.

    did anyone get a scalp count?

  20. We got any resident window lickers that can dribble on the inferno to help cool this mofo down?

  21. Hi,
    Please call me K-breezy as I do not like the name my parents chose for me. Please refrain from saying my name, disregard what you have heard and know what it is you are looking at. I am currently single, but that does not mean I have a problem finding a gentleman suitor. My wardrobe is impeccable. If you
    have an issue with me or my life choices, please let me know so we can have a conversation regarding the issue. If we are not able to come to a resolution I will not hesitate to use violence. I like to join my friends for some cocktails,
    but sometimes I drink excessively. I have a wonderful sense of humor but if you do not enjoy my particular brand of humor feel free to ignore my profile page. I do not take pleasure in being in the company of other women. In my opinion they are
    hypocritical and disingenuous. I have trust issues, so I do not involve myself in other individuals affairs and vice-versa. I consider myself a “street hustler” and I try to
    conduct myself as I believe a “street hustler” would, when dealing with associates, rivals, and anyone who may wish ill will upon me.
    Sincerely,
    K-breezy

  22. @Misannethrope
    I’m guessing you are quite young IRL. It would probably explain why your put downs are so bad. What Red Head said.

    “what you did was illegal. end of story. ignorance of the law is no defense in a court of law.”
    LMAO. this is the comments section of lamebook not a court of law.

  23. ^fuck off, you stupid scrote.
    I ignored you the first time because you’re not worth my time.
    you’re still not. so shut up now.

  24. She’s clearly singing out 99 Problems by Jay-Z and adding “swag” because it’s the hip word. She’s obviously just YOLOing, you guys..

  25. haha MsAnneThrope.. Scrote is a funny word.

  26. “I am Kaely. I am a whore. YOLOSWAG.”
    I may be paraphrasing, of course.

  27. ^your mother is a whore.
    ha, look at me – paraphrasing, too.

  28. This post gave me cancer.

  29. The long translations gave me old age.

  30. @MsAnneThrope If you’re so butt-hurt about this post, you should just do us a favor and delete your Lamebook account. It’s a site tailored to laughing at the things people put on Facebook.
    Otherwise, shut up.

  31. ^go fuck yourself, you stupid obese mongoloid.

  32. what a great thread, hey guys?!

    lots of thick-skulled knuckle-dragging heroes, hiding like cowards behind net anonymity, who think it is so terrifically amusing to slander and abuse a child.

    hope you’re all proud of yourselves. you should all be ‘neuthered’ (sic).

  33. Hi, my name is Kaely. I was going to tell a tale, disheartening at its most optimistic turns, filled with incest, neglect, oppression and prejudice; much to my dismay, my ShiFt kEy Is oN th3 fritz, So I LEaVe yOu W1tH thiS. THosE Wh0 kNow mE be$t WiLl be AbLe To INfer coMpLetEly mY inTeNti0ns.
    -Th3 baDDest BitCH KAely

  34. Lol. MsAnneThorpe, not only are you a hypocrite (you too have an anonymous account and are bitching at anyone who opposes you – maybe even other 16 year olds?), but you admitted to only glancing at the text, and then assumed this girl was colored by the way she wrote. Can I call you a racist too? I will. But I’m also going to pretend that you don’t exist because I’m fairly certain that you’re clinically insane.

  35. ^That’s a rather rash assumption to be making of a ‘nonymous misanthrope over the world wide web isn’t it faggy boy? Aren’t you worried someone might give you a virus? I hear that’s how people get them, you know, post’n stupid shit in a thread with other infected users. I’m not bitching at you, I’m just making sure you’re safe and protects yourself from cstd’s

  36. This is the daughter of that chick from Malibu’s Most Wanted!!! (The fat white one, you know Jamie Kennedy)

  37. Hi I’m Kaaely and I am bat shit crazy. I provided this informative profile in hopes that you know to avoid me at all costs and understand any interaction with me will result in frustration and disappointment. tootles

  38. Man, some of the shit that was posted here just makes my head fucking spin. And my comments were nothing compared to that which made it through, however, they are still awaiting moderation. That’s cuz I called out the a d m i n on responding. Too funny.
    F you all.

  39. … I could actually feel my brain matter dying as I read this.

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