Thursday, December 24, 2009

Keep ‘Em Private

KeepEmPrivate1

KeepEmPrivate2

KeepEmPrivate3

KeepEmPrivate4

previous post: Christina’s a Bitch

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36 Comments

  1. second?

  2. Marks never had sex, he’s only repeating what he read in magazines.

  3. I had a friend do the same thing that Paul did the other day. I couldn’t stop laughing at him writhing in pain. It’s always funny when it happens to someone else…

  4. Paul and Gretchen are disgusting. And Paul… weell, just ‘auch!’

  5. I wish my FB friends would be so open. I am always asking myself about their poot-poots but nobody ever mentions it.

  6. Me (#2) is right. Mark is a virgin who doesn’t have a pool.

  7. but he does have a point with his third one

  8. @ 5. SeeBea LOLOLOLOLOL

  9. i m out of here for a lil while … seasons greetings fellow lamers …

  10. @Greatchen, I will do you very fast and very hard…Merry Christmas!

  11. @Antarctic Circle #6
    A pool, like the one Frodo has?

    The second Paul case, didn’t know that was possible. Too saggy perhaps?
    And I like how “6 people like this”.

    The first Paul….. is gay.

  12. @freezit4: My husband after his vasectomy (like a week after) accidentally sat on his balls. I seriously belly laughed. He called me a horrible bitch but he laughed too. Bc a man sitting on their balls is comedy. Whether his own or hearing about someone else doing it.

  13. Gretchen probably uses the word “fluff” instead of “fart”. I never understood that. There is nothing “fluffy” about farts, not even the light and airy ones.

  14. Maybe her poot poot wouldn’t hurt so much if she kept pee pees out of it!

  15. @freezit4 – Exactly like Frodo’s! That post still tickles me. I’ve really got to stop laughing about it.

  16. I’m 32 and my balls still don’t sag enough to actually sit on one of them. Given this, I’d say Paul is around 85 years old…this would explain both his lack of a filter on what he shares with other people, and also his ability to correctly use to and too.

  17. Omg poor pancaked nad… Oh how I laughed…

  18. @Sensible – Congratulations on your testes, too bad about your brain. Paul actually did use the word ‘too’ correctly. You can sit down ‘to’ dinner (noun), and you can sit down ‘too’ quickly (adjective) but you cannot sit down ‘to’ quickly.

  19. Dear Mark,

    Although your words were interesting, please don’t write them as if they come from all men. Write them “coming” (hoohoo!) from you. Not every man is the same.

    Although I have yet to find a man who does not agree with you on #3, so I’ll you have that one.

  20. @YepYouAreLame, I think Sensible Madness was being ironic.

    He actually meant that he uses ‘too’ and ‘to’ correctly, and that’s one of the reasons why he’s ‘around 85 years old’.

  21. What Zrot said. The fact that he uses those words correctly indicates he’s not the usual 12 year old imbecile that makes it on to this site.

  22. poot poot, lmfao!!

    and yes nut sitting is funny as hell glad mine dont hang low

  23. Dear Mark,

    I am in a position to tell you that your #3 tip, well, isn’t exactly fun should that junk get into a lady’s eyes. Trust me on this one. So unless you have good aim, don’t try it. I suggest practicing on your own face a few times first.

    Hugs and kisses, Stanselmdoc

  24. Ahhhhhhhhhh, that makes sense. My irony detector must be broken. Thanks.

  25. In my husbands defense they were quite swollen. Not to the almost comical proportions of the first few days after but still pretty bad. I also am not married to a 85 year old. That will be all Merry Christmas. :)

  26. Paul I totally feel your pain! I just did that sitting down at the computer just now. Na just kidding, I LOLed for real though!

    @Sensible Madness: Maybe Paul gets no action. Thus allows for saggy nads and the ability to be able to pancake them.

    @Nublet: I’d prefer the breast rather than the face. You found a male that disagrees with number 3. Bravo.

    Merry Xmas too all!

  27. @Insane: He said “If that’s too porn-y for you, let him come on your chest instead.” Breasts are on the chest unless the female is over 60 or so, so you’re still not disagreeing. Unless you’re into knee-knockers. Forgive me if that’s your thing.

  28. Hmmm, sex therapy and lovin’ advice from Dr Mark; is it uncharitable of me at Christmas time to wish for Mark to be brutally sodomized by several carriages full of large prison-bent thugs who “love the express train 90% of the time”?
    I guess it might be a little OTT to go laying all that jackhammering on his virgin poot poot . . .

    Poot Poot. Baby Jesus! I bet Gretchen is one of those twee cutesy-kitty types on the surface, but likes ‘#3′ more than most, and has sexual proclivities so far outside Mark’s experience (i.e. furtively reading Mom’s back issues of Cosmopolitan) that he would barely recognise them as sex at all.

    And the whole #3 thing, is that not one of the most disrespectful and misogynistic things in regular porn? What’s the attraction in going from any accommodating feminine orifice, to finishing yourself off with a hand-job? With the added risk of temporarily blinding your partner – of whom, few have ever expressed a predilection for it either. If they had, they’d have probably just pulled a shut-eyed duckface and put me off my stroke anyway.
    Just seems a bit pointless and unrealistic.
    Having said that, I’d probably help hold Mark’s eyes open for Paul from Oxford . . .

    Pah! Humbug! I’m off to sit on my nuts!

  29. It’s really not that misogynistic. Or am I the only girl that finds it a bit hot? &it’s not any more unrealistic than running out of money when the pizza guy comes… Or am I the only girl that that happens to?

  30. Mark’s post is an article from the website TheFrisky.com, “The 10 Things Women Forget to Do During Sex.” (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-10-things-women-forget-to-do-during-sex)

  31. And that article was written by a woman.

  32. Paul, I feel for you, brother.
    That shit just hurts so bad.
    That is all.

  33. Augh, my husband is always adjusting himself, saying his nuts are stuck to his leg. To quote Elaine Benes, “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”

  34. @Nublet: Ok well let’s replace the word ‘breast’ with ‘tits’. “I’d prefer to come all over her fucking tits rather than her face!”. Does that read a little better for you??? What’s wrong with the knee-knockers? Insane doesn’t discriminate!

  35. @Dee-Lite: I agree with Elaine. One of the best insults my husband ever said about another driver was “That old guy shouldnt be on the road! His face has more wrinkles then my balls!” Years later and it still makes me giggle.

  36. internetignorance

    Doooooooo

    your balls hang low,
    do they wobble to and fro?

    Can you tie them in a HOLLY HELL that hurts

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