When I was in high school we didn’t have social networking sites like Facebook. And every day I thank God for that because if I had had access to everyone’s personal shit and a public profile of my own while those hormones were surging through my body, it wouldn’t have been pretty. So no, I wasn’t on Facebook in high school, but I WAS aware enough to know what was considered “cool” and “not cool.” Here are a few examples.
Getting caught spray painting your girlfriend’s name on the side of the school: Cool. Getting caught with a backpack full of inhalers and acne cream: Not Cool.
Rigging your locker to immediately open when you smash your fist into it like the Fonz: Cool. Accidentally shitting your pants while holding your head back to dump the remaining Cheetos crumbs out of the bag and into your mouth: Not Cool.
Letting a girl sit shotgun during one of your drag races and having a sign at the finish line that asks the girl to homecoming: Cool. Arranging digital crops (wtf?) from some lame-ass online video game and taking a screen shot of it to ask a girl to homecoming: Not cool.
As I sit on the edge of this glorious canyon with coffee in hand, I can’t help but think back to the early days of our wonderful country. America. The land of the free. The home of the brave. I can only hope that the ghosts of our forefathers are in a public library somewhere today, searching through Facebook, only to stumble upon this snapshot of such a familiar scene: An American flag, a field where perhaps a war was once fought, and a sturdy, reliable cannon … being air-fucked by a drunk sorority girl.