Thursday, October 29, 2009

Caring Chris

caring-chris

previous post: Keep Your Status in Your Pants

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100 Comments

  1. sweet/caring/loving/total/fucking/nutjob

  2. Buffalo Bill also liked the feeling of skin on skin.

  3. Wow, guy sounds like a nutter butter!
    Also, just discovered this site yesterday, LOVE IT!

  4. POF is a gong show sometimes. I know some girls on there and they’ve let me see some of the emails they get and…it’s not pretty.

  5. Up until now I have been a silent reader.. this guy has pretty much made me post a comment because he is simply insane – its almost asif its a really poor joke found on a tasteless website. Well done Chris – do humanity a favour and put yourself up for a Darwin Award.

  6. eww creepy, wonder why he can’t see it for himself?!

  7. FUBAR

  8. what a weirdo creep. i went on three date with guys from POF and two were complete freaks like this dude. total stalkers. NEXT!

  9. @ erika

    what are you some desperate loser?

  10. 101 g1 boz

  11. @erika
    Hrm…. you didn’t learn the first time…
    Hrm…. you didn’t learn the second time…
    Hrm…. wonder what the odds are of your next date…

    But anyhow – this guy is pure romance to the core.

  12. @ erika

    What about the third guy? Why does he get next-ed?! No fair!

    (Or were those three dates with two guys?)

  13. First!

  14. hahahahha. Jinx Danny.

  15. @ erika

    hahahahaahaha LOSER

  16. It’s always the guys who talk about how caring and nice they are that turn out to be complete lunatics.

  17. I met my BF on POF…

  18. This reminds me of an ex-friend of mine.
    Ugh. Memories.

  19. Tha fuck is POF?

  20. wow. that’s a little scary.

  21. @ KingNeckbeard – POF is “Plenty Of Fish”. It’s a free online dating site/meat market.

  22. Lucky you Clarice. “Quid pro quo, Clarice. Quid pro quo…”

  23. @5 Unfortunately, I believe he has to die in some humorous way for him to quality for a Darwin Award, but I think hes well on his way to it.

  24. POF = plentyoffish.com

    I’ve never been, but I’ve heard people talk about it.

    I hate people that post their sexual preferences on dating sites, or even their romantic preferences.

    “I like kissing for hours and cuddling into the night.”

    “I like the feeling of skin on skin.”

    “I want to disembowel you in front of your dog.”

    Save something for date 2 or 3.

  25. @ Anisaki (23). Darwin awards are often awarded to those who render incapable of breeding, too.apabable of breeding, too.

  26. @ me, my comment boxes have gone wonky!

  27. @Clarise you must be ugly as shit

  28. In my experience, the ones who are the craziest are also the ones who are most convinced they are just “nice, caring guys”.

    I went out on a horrible first date with a creeper like that once. Afterwards, he texted me and said “I want to kiss you all over”. Ew! Did I not make it clear that I was miserable? Did I not shoot down your sad attempt at a goodnight kiss? What makes you think I WANT you to kiss me all over?

    If I hadn’t already decided not to see him again, that text certainly would have solidified it.

  29. I love how he disses POF girls in the second sentence. He’s caring, mature, a great catch…and he’ll totally wear your face.

  30. “and she said that she was an animal lover, so i cut off a cat’s head and gave it to her as a present. some girls are just weird…”

  31. “i am a sweet/loving/caring guy…” Isn’t that what all serial killers say before they hack you to bits?

  32. “i prefer skin on skin, but if you wanted me to wear a condom, i would”

    pfft, clearly he’s talking about lambskin condoms vs. latex. he’s just being a sweet/caring/loving guy because he knows lots of ladies have latex allergies. apparently this girl doesn’t, which is why he’s going to jerk off into the hole he cuts into her chest cavity.

  33. I am not ugly as shit !!
    Boz… you’re probly ugly as shit !!

    i can hear the lambs screaming !!

  34. #30:

    Awesome.

  35. @sheesh: LOL that sounds like a part taken out of the book American Psycho

  36. @clarice

    word you 8nt ugly? I’m on P.O.F you tryin to hook up l8r?

  37. i’m now on pof too, if this freak-nugget can get girls to talk to him on msn i can definitely get some life partners out of it. i’m way more caring/sweet/loving/gentle/thoughtful than he is

  38. “Hi, my name is Chris! Wanna fuck without a condom? What? You don’t think that’s an appropriate introduction?? NOBODY LOVES ME!! Call NINE-WAAAH-WAAHH!!

  39. @Ms.Terri hahaha

    This dude is going to end up on some sort of register if he’s not careful.

  40. It puts the lotion in its skin or it gets the hose again.

  41. @40
    HAHAHAH!
    Gooodddddbyyyeee hoorrssesss!
    Would you fuck me?
    I’d fuck me.
    I’d fuck me real hard.

  42. “So what do you do for a living?”
    “I’m a phil… philan…fullonrapist”

  43. @foolishwolf

    Dude, don’t mock me like that. That hurts.

  44. concerned citizen

    ahaha @foolishwolf

    great use of always sunny. classic.

  45. I bet Chris’s hobbies include gluing small animals together and throwing his own shit at the elderly. That’s one of the creepiest posts I’ve read on this site.

  46. I actually am able to see this guys profile and it should all be on lamebook. Actually he doesn’t enjoy gluing animals together he enjoys…

    -I’M A SEXUAL GUY, I LOVE SEX {2+ times a day or more if my gf wants it}
    -I HATE CONDOMS I PREFER THE NATURAL FEEL “SKIN ON SKIN” I KNOW WHEN TO PULL IT OUT (NEVER GOTTEN A GIRL PREGNANT BEFORE) (IF I DO, I WILL NOT CHICKEN OUT, I’LL DO MY DUTY)
    -I’M ONLY WILLING TO WAIT 2.5-3.5 WEEKS (“or less if the girl really wants it”), NO LONGER, TO HAVE SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP… CUZ MOST OF MY RELATIONSHIP END AFTER A MONTH (GIRLS LEAVE ME FOR OTHER GUYS ALL THE TIME)
    -I’M AN EXCELLENT KISSER
    -I LOVE TO SHOWER WITH MY PARTNER
    -I LOVE TO CUDDLE WITH AND WITHOUT CLOTHES ON
    -I HAVE NEVER HURT OR USED A GIRL AND WON’T START NOW
    -I LIKE ALL KINDS OF MUSIC: INCLUDING COUNTRY
    -IF I HAD GIRLFRIEND, I’D TAKE HER OUT FOR CANDLE LIT DINNER OR MAKE CANDLE LIT DINNERS, CUDDLE IN FRONT OF A MOVIE WITH HER (MY HANDS MIGHT SLOWLY GO UP HER SHIRT), GIVE HER FULL BODY MASSAGES, SHARE SOME ICE CREAM, WATCH THE SUN RISE AND SUNSET WITH HER, SHOW UP ON RANDOM DAYS AT HER WORK/SCHOOL BEARING GIFTS, AND ANYTHING ELSE ROMANTIC THAT I CAN THINK OF.

  47. @ Oliebear
    OH MY GOD!!!! This dude sounds like a serial killer. You’d have to be a tad mental to put that on the net! Sounds to me like he’s been reading too much Sweet Valley High…

  48. Well, I’m certainly glad he wrote that all in caps, or I’d never know just how important these things are.

    So… sex twice a day without a condom, huh? Yeah, sounds like a fantastic idea. Thumbs up! With these preferences, if he’s never gotten a woman pregnant it’s only because he’s had the lack of opportunity to actually have that much unprotected sex.

    Kudos to him for making it clear and public why women should reject him immediately. Sometimes you actually have to date these weirdos to know they’re insane.

  49. “MOST OF MY RELATIONSHIP END AFTER A MONTH (GIRLS LEAVE ME FOR OTHER GUYS ALL THE TIME)”

    By the fuck! lol I wonder why!

  50. Is this my ex-boyfriend?

  51. If that’s his actual about me this is tragic.

    “I’m an amazing lover, kisser, everything you want in a relationship”
    “Girls break up with me after a month because I’m shit”

    I hope he gets genital warts and they scar, because he sounds like a moron

  52. what’s more romantic than a serial killer showing up at your work/school on random days bearing gifts? or cuddling in front of a movie while his tentacles are slowly moving up your shirt? this guy sounds like a keeper to me.

    Also, not suspicious at all that his previous gfs have mysteriously disappeared after about a month or so.

  53. Patrick, I thought Paul Allen was handling the Chris account

  54. “ANYTHING ELSE ROMANTIC THAT I CAN THINK OF”
    like carving your name into my balls while i piss on your corpse.

  55. A moment of sheer panic; his POF profile was in all caps, and obviously more compelling than mine.

  56. Chris: “I like to dissect girls. Have I told you that I’m utterly insane?”

  57. The only time I ever tried internet dating I saw three penis’s (or is that penii?) within ten minutes and not a single face. What does that say about me? Should I put some clothes on next time I use my webcam?

  58. k though hes not a rapist or serial killer, he is creepy as fuck

  59. Thesaurapist 13(F)

    “(GIRLS LEAVE ME FOR OTHER GUYS ALL THE TIME)”
    (Specifically, Mr Dirtnap and Mr Bagintheriver)

  60. I never laughed so hard at internetjokes. First the utter
    Hannibal/Clarice brilliance, then Bateman references. Genius.

    I must say do, that this guys seems more of the stalker type than the former two. I can see him carving her initials in his chest. Seems a bit like the guy who internet-stalked me for a while.

    Well, giddy, I have to go and return some videotapes.

  61. Who wouldn’t want a sweet/caring/loving sociopath?

  62. His profile pick should be him chasing a chick completely naked and screaming while holding a chainsaw

  63. Chris is pretty damn cu-ree-py *shudders*

  64. @Oliebear:
    Oh. My. God.
    I just read his about me. Is that for real?!
    While Chris is a creep, Samantha’s friend is pretty damn stupid for talking to him really!

  65. #32 is just genious.

    although i have to say the comments on this post are just top notch.

  66. MeghanSuperstarO'Malley

    Well, um yeah POF dating, regrettable. I found a high school English teacher that was on POF and he tried to sneak move into my house after 2 week. After 2 months he was talking marriage so I had to brake-up with him. I’ve been getting texts and fb harassment galore. I have to respect that this little creeper had the decency to put all his icky out there right off the bat. I wish the English teacher had provided me that self-screening service.

  67. I bet all his ex-girlfriends are now lampshades

  68. “I love the feeling of skin on skin… your skin, lying on top of mine as I wear it as a leotard, freshly peeled off your body… So romantic, I almost feel as if I am INSIDE of you…”

  69. @68 jelly
    *snorts with laughter*

  70. By the fuck, this thread is awesome! What a way to start the day. (Sorry, I’m not even going to try to add to the hilarity, just woke up. But thanks everyone.):)

  71. dang. hahaha like, this guy is a walking epic fail.

  72. Can anyone imagine actually waking up to a voicemail of the sort that Chris says he left for this girl?

    “Hey, ____. I got your message on MSN last night about the whole skin-on-skin thing, and…well…I just want to let you know that if you would prefer, I would be okay with wearing a condom. Y’know, even though I have never gotten a girl pregnant. Ever. I mean…I do know when to pull out, and I have been known to have unprotected sex twice a day. But I care about you, ____, and I would gladly sheath my penis if that’s what you wanted. You could even have some of my ice cream. I’m sweet, caring, and loving like that.

    “So…um…is your back door unlocked? Oh hey, I guess it is. Well, I’ll hopefully be seeing you soon! If not, though — wait, hold on. Since when do you have a dog? Jeez, this thing is annoying, huh? *POW* Okay, umm…where was I?

    “Hmm…I guess it doesn’t look like you’re here. Umm… Wow, it looks so much different when you’re actually standing in here than it does from outside your window! Weird. Anyway, I just wanted to call you back about your message, and hopefully you’ll be up for a shower or something a little later on. See ya!”

    *Swoon!*

  73. @danny: dude, you nailed it right there.

    i really don’t get it with some dudes and creeping out girls. it’s pretty easy not to creep out girls.

    step 1) think of some creep you know

    step 2) do not emulate them.

    taaa daaaaa!

  74. oh man, i know the person who submitted this and we have actually spent hours laughing at this guy’s page. this is only one of the several gems he posts regularly. he creeps me out like crazy.

    i have a feeling he’s about to get big on the intrawebs.

  75. @nuts
    Hahahaha
    I think you’d be surprised how many men haven’t be privvy to that absolute gem. Maybe they should make it mandatory teaching in schools world over.

  76. @ nuts

    step 3) repeat as necessary

    step 4) profit!

  77. I gotta say, between @Boz’s comments and this post – this Lamebook post made my night.

  78. Favorite.

  79. Okay, I admit I have a POF account (I met my boyfriend there) and there are some decent guys but plenty of weirdos. One man offered to pay me money if I had sex with him involving swiss cheese (?) and another asked me for a polygamist relationship and I would recieve money for my services.. maybe I look like a prostitute? Im not sure.

  80. The creepiest guy I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing is on POF. He likes to think of himself as humorous, intelligent, and enlightened, but in reality he’s controlling, obsessive, got borderline personality disorder, and is in fact borderline psychotic. I would NOT be surprised if 4 out of the 5 guys there are as maladjusted as he and Chris are, and it sounds like you landed the 5th guy (who’d be sane and decent), Danielle.

  81. ok…not only did this girl give her msn to this guy, she gave him her cellphone number too??? Why? She read his profile, knew what a creep he was and still gave out a bunch of information…

  82. @ 80

    Actually, that sounds more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder than Borderline Personality Disorder to me. And I’d go into more detail but I’m pretty sure I’ll bore you…basically, Borderlines will eventually grow out of it AND they view people as PEOPLE, as opposed to Narcissists that NEVER grow out of it and view people as tools.

    Or lampshades.

  83. @ Firkules

    Man, I was really hoping you were going to finish that thought with a, “she was practically ASKING to be raped or murdered!”

  84. hilarious

  85. Man i love guys like that , makes the rest of us look like perfect gentlemen :-)

    Way to go chris, keep up the good work

  86. @Father sha
    Don’t try to act as a gentleman …

  87. Please – someone has to put his name here so that we can all look at this bloke’s profile!

    Come on, you owe it to the world!

  88. This dude is seriously effed

  89. Agree @ ernie.

  90. I totally died at Ms. Terry and the Nine-waah-waah.

  91. http://www.myspace.com/mechanicalmuse

    Bet that’s him. If it is, I’ve got a LOT of stories for you.

  92. “GIRLS LEAVE ME FOR OTHER GUYS ALL THE TIME”
    No shit buddy boy! I’m surprised they last a day! But the creepiest part:

    “SHOW UP ON RANDOM DAYS AT HER WORK/SCHOOL BEARING GIFTS”

    No. Just no. That’s not romantic, it’s bizarre and desperate.

  93. @ Eve

    Evidence?/Go on…

  94. After I posted the first comment, I made a point to check and see if the asshole had a facebook–and he does. It’s private right now–and if that’s him, for obvious reasons. I dated him a couple of years ago, for about six weeks. He’s a drug addict, and has attempted to rape at least three girls, one of them being myself. He had my schedule memorized to the point that he’d know the exact minute I’d be stepping through the front door. I’d literally have one foot in the house and my phone would be going off. He thinks he’s a genius–he’s just a weirdo. Last girl he dated around here was the kid sister of a good friend of mine. They worked together, and she had their boss inform him that if he spoke to her again at work, he’d be fired, and that if he called or sent another text, she’d be filing for a restraining order.

    Before we dated, I’d known him for several years, so you’d figure at that point you’d know someone pretty well, right? Nope. The six weeks we spent together gave me a look inside his mind. I knew as soon as I read the part of the profile that was posted in the comments that it was probably him. I figured I’d let you know he’s just as bad as you predict, if not worse.

  95. @Eve – that’s scary. Is attempted rape a criminal offence in your state? If so, someone should nail him for it. These types of creeps nearly always escalate to something even worse.

    *shudder*

  96. That’s so Ted Bundy of him

  97. @ Eve
    The guy that you posted for myspace isn’t caring chris. I used to work with this guy. I had him on facebook.

  98. POF profile? More like POOF…

  99. POF forums are a gold mine of Chris’. FN HILARIOUS

  100. Sounds like something someone I dated would’ve complained about.

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