Monday, November 15, 2010

Beautiful Bios

previous post: Hands Up!

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62 Comments

  1. Listen here bytches Am fyrst an I dnt giv a fck

  2. “I tried to kill her when she was a baby”.
    “I love him to bits”.

    Literally?

  3. It’s the ‘lol’ after admitting you attempted to murder your baby that makes it so special…

  4. Wow! Erm can’t think why the girl in the last one is single, maybe because she tries to kill babies? Men can be so fickle.

  5. Nothing to say but a big, fat, hairy ‘WOW’. Oh, that, and we need to try and get these two together for the sake of all mankind…followed by a quick deposit at a destination from which there is no escape other than self-extermination.

    Christ on a cracker! My faith in humanity just took a 50% nose-dive.

  6. Hey that’s my Bio!!!! Both of them are mine!! ;)

  7. I posted the last one, you’ll all be thrilled to know that the person in question is now pregnant again
    The baby’s due in January, she’s calling it Winter.

  8. For the first one, I was picturing some 15 year old punk white boy wannabe gangsta with his collar popped and hat cocked to one side, until I realized “he” is actually a female lesbian who bangs her dude best friend because he’s a fag anyways… now I’m just confused. And disturbed. WTF.

  9. imma gonna massacre teh bitches cho baggin my bio blud. gettit yea!

  10. I like the little “lol” after she wrote “tried to kill my baby” too. I think her children would be better off if Mommy got hit by a bus tomorrow.

  11. The ghetto bitch ass nyukka misspelled, “listen, here, i, life, a, fight, back, just, cause, beat, captain, army, feel, me, yes, ghetto, big, loud, ass, say, it, how, fuck, fucking, straight, up, always, know, lesbian, dude, best friend, fag, shit, strictly, pleasure, more, lonely, keep, girl, boy..

    Damnit, you guys get my joke. Ones that don’t, I’ll be Wallace in advance. If the ghetto nyukka is going to fuck up 99% of the English language, why not do it right? Why not all of her words? Now she’s just being lazy. I just realized that racial slurs exist for more than to be an asshole. She IS the definition of the racial slur for African-Americans. A Nyukka. I’m afraid to spell it lest I be verbally raped and beaten. Just like if I see someone around my are with barely any teeth, a beat up truck, “cuntry” music blaring, I’m going to outright call them a hick, redneck, hillbilly, family fucker, incestuous insect, mother molester, daddy diddler, sister sucker, brother banger, etc. Sadly, we think those slurs are just there to insult, but then people like this one are born and actually become the definition.

    If I get called a racist, fine. But I feel this way for all groups, races, countries, including my race, group, country.

    Also, you’re not a ho for going both ways hun, but that’s called bisexual. I mean, if you want a dick that bad but want to claim lesbianism, just get a dildo. They’re just as big if not bigger than that fake porn star ones. But people might call you a ho..we wouldn’t want that.

    TL;DR = Skip it, or just read it. I can’t shorten this and still make a clear, valid explanation of opinion.

  12. I’m too gobsmacked to even come up with an interesting comment about the second one.

  13. wtf bytch!

  14. Wow. I think Keona’s driving the bus that’s scheduled to hit bio-#2.

  15. W.O.W spay and neuter your kids, is anyone else not outraged that these people are breeding!!!

  16. tl;dr

  17. @asriel Right you are; you can just think of me as Ms. Crabtree from South Park.

  18. Keona, Or Otto from The Simpsons :)

    I’m sill using anonisgayisgay’s name, and I’m thinking about keeping it forever :)

  19. I love bios that start with “i dun giv a fuk wat u say or do” and then proceed for three paragraphs to vehemently give said fuck.

  20. I like how both these hoes be slipping. Hoe #1 tuff n shyt butt she gotz hur famz to bak hur up 2. The 2nd Hoe just seemed to be slipping in and out of crazy, ever so covertly.

  21. vaginalroundhouse

    My bio:

    Ima kl;asjhdlakshaskjhdalsiuhdak askh daslkd asa slidash diasdaklshdaslashah a sdha hguieweiuay eumnbeb nbaeliub,abeiuajblkjb,h8327983274832749073078423047824097832423

  22. Keona:

    area*

    Thankfully I ran across an older post of yours in which you informed us all that you were somewhere between normal & retarded, otherwise I’d have more to say.

    Hope & Eli’s mom: Please do the world a favor and impale yourself on a sharpened broomstick.

    That is all.

  23. can someone translate bio 1 into english? what the hell is a “beefer”? is she some sort of butcher?

  24. Dukey Smoothy Buns

    1. Number seven on my list of things I probably wont see today “7.Gay cross- gender friends with benefits”

    2. I love the idea of a “decent man” who is somehow messed up in the head enough to want to be with her.

  25. @Today’s_Loser Thank you, I was going to correct that, but I didn’t want to waste a comment by just saying, “area*.”

    We all have opinions, and I respect whatever you were going to say. Yes, I have some issues with my brain+ body. Mommy decided to take alcohol, smoking, and prescription pills all nine months with me and my half-brother. It’s to be expected that I’m not going to be a hundred percent on the ball. *shrugs* I was just stating my honest opinion, even if it might be considered racist. I *did* try to stick humour in there with the redneck nicknames.

  26. I don’t give a fuck about #1

    But #2… Wow. I pity the children

  27. these both made me laugh. almost as much as i laughed at keona’s white middle class anguish at using the word n*gger.

    did you really just try to argue that calling a black person a n*gger is basically the same as calling a toothless country music fan a hick? really?

  28. upon reading the revelation that keona’s mommy was, in fact, a crackwhore, i feel i should retract the comment about her being middle class. apologies. the rest of the comment still stands.

  29. @vincent It’s the same basic, albeit extremely basic, idea in principle. It’s a derogatory slur. Whether it be racial, or just towards a certain group of people that look a certain way, dress a certain way, speak a certain way, being from a certain area, or country, or what have you. Like thinking all Germans are Nazis, or all Muslims are terrorists. Californians get crap for “being” stuck up rich bitches. My point *should* have been clear.

    But you’re a troll, and I’m not responding anymore after this. I’d be feeding you.

  30. dandelionsrdeadly

    I am just wondering what qualifies #2 to have custody of the other children? Especially since she still does not have the first child, is she still a danger to Hope? I guess we all know how a violent unstable person is typically only that way with one person. Kind of how spouse abusers only abuse one spouse not them all, right??
    As for the first illiterate poster well this is why sterilization should be legal. Well I guess that could go for both of these fine ladies.

  31. vincent, you crack(whore) me up. Every. Single. Time.

  32. Damn, I must feed you this once, and only once, so enjoy this snack. I AM middle class. I don’t see what relevance it has to my comment what monetary background I’m from. Also, not street drugs. Prescription means from the doctor. She had mental (obviously) and physical ailments that required pills. When I had posted that awhile back about myself, someone said she should have had an abortion.

    I kind of agree, this pain that all that has caused makes it seem the more merciful route. However, then I wouldn’t be alive, and that would just plain blow. I’m both bitter and grateful. I only ask that you be respectful, as she’s deceased now. Turns out, being nearly constantly drunk for a week straight with barely any sleep combined with Adderall isn’t good. No one give any condolences. It was two years ago, and I’m fine, trust me.

  33. I’m a lesbian, but I like to have sex with men, they have something women don’t. The guy I have sex with is gay, so that means I’m still a lesbian right?

    No, that means you’re bisexual, but I’m pretty sure that word is too long for your limited vocabulary, so sure, you’re a lesbian. A hard-ass fighting lesbian who thinks it’s awesome to hit people, will you be my best friend?

    I tried to kill her-lol.

    Fantastic! E-Harmony has a whole line up of men that want to date someone who attempts murder on their own children! It’s actually one of their interview questions now, “Have you ever tried to kill your kids?”, they have a special group just for people like you!

    Holy shit, my brain hurts.

  34. I swear, the Grammar in the first and second is so horrible, I thought they were from the same people.

  35. keona, that is a touching story, and i didn’t mean to be disrespectful. in real life, i would probably make you a cup of tea and give you a big hug (and maybe even a sympathy fingerbang).

    however, this being the lamebook comments section, i’m just going to point and laugh. and you wouldn’t want it any other way, right?

  36. I wish someone would kill the lady in the second one-lol.

  37. No, pointing and laughing *is* the best way to go around here. Obviously better than people like MEG, or trolls. You’re an alright troll…as I said in a previous post, you’re the first tolerable and intelligent troll I’ve met thus far.

    You would have to take up the sympathy fingerbang offer with my pride. She might break for you. Or she might shit on your head.

    You know, on #2, perhaps her son really is a little monkey. She hasn’t found a decent man because she’s been too busy fucking primates. I wouldn’t put it past to to banana herself whilst monkeying around with some ape.

  38. Vincent I picture u as a fat computer geek who’s only friend is his mommy….grow some balls & suck them

  39. I wonder what race the author of the first bio belongs to

  40. keona – i’ve not been here long enough to get the meg/frodo references, but i appreciate the gesture. you seem like good sport, despite the FAS.

    icedcoffee – you’re going to have to give me something more to work with that that. now get to the back of the queue.

  41. 26 & 27 Vincent: All that pent-up anger is going to give you a brain aneurysm one day. Please Youtube it.

    @24 … Keona; Much classier response than I expected. I would shake your hand, but that whole ‘greasy chicken finger lickin’ Justin Beiber’s mom’ thing kind of squiggs me out. ;) lol

  42. shaking my head at that run-on sentence in the first bio.

  43. @40 *bows* Yes, it does seem surprising that someone with my past be anything above a drooling, giggling vegetable. I think I was either lucky, or..determined? Hm. Not sure. My memory is so bad I can barely remember important things from the day before..sometimes earlier the same day, yet I can spell and use Grammar fairly well.

    My jokes are hit and miss. Mostly, they suck. Thanks for the compliment about being classy. I have anger issues and have snapped on here, looking like a crazed idiot. But I try to control it. You can shake my hand, I wash the handshake one well. :D Sorry about the squigging of you, but she is a MILF. Also, a mother I’d like to beat afterwards for producing such an ugly, talentless daughter.

  44. Keona, you don’t have to have the last say every single time. Let go.

  45. I’m not trying to. It’s called replying. But I’ll stop, just for you. Because your name has the word poop in it.

    Or you could just, you know, not read it.

  46. I think even if you wanted to stop you couldn’t

  47. Pay attention everyone! I don’t care what you say or what you do. I’m a beefer for life and I have never lost a quarrel in my life. I have a rather large family to help me with such things, after all, just because you have won against the captain does not mean you are going to beat the army. Do you feel me? Yes, I’m a ghetto, big, loud girl too. I’m going to say it how it I see it. Don’t bother with that lying nonsense and beating around the blooming bush. I’m going to say whatever is on my mind. I know I look good so boys and girls, stop telling me I look good. I will always know I look good and nothing you say will change that! I’m a lesbian, but I will engage in relations with a male because you know males have something females don’t have. That doesn’t mean I’m promiscuous or anything so don’t judge me. I only have intercourse with my best friend and he’s a homosexual so that doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s strictly pleasure and nothing more. When he’s lonely, he calls me and when I am, I call him. That’s that. I’m a real bottom girl and I will always keep it real.

    Still makes no sense after I attempted to translate it.

  48. this is why i support abortion

  49. haha, saw this on srsly.. http://seriouslysorry.com/apology/1274 .. GO LAMEBOOK!

  50. just because you beat the captain does not mean you beat the army….I think that’s a sun tzu quote isn’t it?

  51. if it’s strictly pleasure and nothing more for the gay guy she’s banging, i’m guessing she takes it in the ass.

    that’s it.

  52. I would love to know what #2 looks like. I imagine her to be a skinny white trash bitch who is all used up at such a young age.

  53. @52
    I see I’m not the only one getting a hard one based on your valuptuous description of her…it’s getting me all hot and bothered.

  54. I love that you can stick a lol on the end of any statement and it apparently ceases to be awful and horrifying! I tried to kill my baby lol… I fucked a dog lol… I am going to blow up a bus lol. It’s brilliant!

  55. I think you’re only a racist if you actually kill them. Otherwise it’s just an engaging conversation.

    Didn’t read all the first one. He’s obviously a whiny little bitch with a small dick, so why should I try to decipher what he has to say? He’s probably dead by now, anyway. (Masturbation/chip clip mishap?)

    I love the girl, though! I’d like to teach her how to improperly use a wire hanger. And that’s on the living children. I want my city’s sidewalks to be clean in twelve years. Look toward the future!

  56. (Also, why is fucking a dog so awful and horrifying if it costs extra?)

  57. The girl in post two is right up my street!

    Imagine a girl who bumps off all my unwanted offspring rather than leaving the fucking dirty work to me for a change.

  58. last week i ran over two dogs, lolol.
    and one time, i stabbed a little girl, roflmao.

  59. I fucked Keona once lol.

  60. @59 So, it was YOU that slipped me the Roofie! God damnit..

  61. According to urbandictonary.com A Beefer is: A person who is fat, socially awkward, extremely unathletic, and permanently smells like a mixture of body odor and farts. The central wardrobe items in every beefer’s closet are tapered sweat pants, novelty t-shirts, flannel and jean jackets. Beefers typically sweat 8-10 times more than their non-beefer counterparts, and have armpit stains within 30 minutes of showing and dressing in the morning. Easily identifiable by their dirt staches, horrid breath and die-hard love for the game of hockey. Only males can be classified as a beefer.

    I had to look it up. Yummy!

  62. Beef == fight, beefer == fighter.

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